embracing new realities

sometimes life doesn't turn out the way you plan it.

it is interesting to note that you had some desires and expectations after the fact of them not being met. it leaves you feeling naked, vulnerable, and abandoned. sort of "adam and eve's fig leaves" if you will...

that's when you have a choice - you can either moan and groan about how unfair life is and take the oh so well traveled and known victim route, or you can embrace your new reality. the first one is my default. the second one gets easier and easier with time - still hard nonetheless.

so i've been embracing my new reality - in the past couple of months life has done a 180 turn on me. in the shock of it, i felt the victimization. today was a clear cut moment in embracing this new part.

enter the trinity.

well, not really "enter". it's always been there.

enter my awareness of the trinity.

there's no way i can accept the trinity's love and embrace if i don't accept, love, and embrace myself. in the midst of the chaos the water are settling, the mud and pebbles are visible and not as fierce as when the current swipes them away. there's awakened desire and the feeling of living in the first point of view, not vicariously.

it does feel like i'm a baby learning to walk all over again... baby steps... baby steps... fully knowing that i will fall flat on my face, maybe scrape my knee, definitely a little more crying... and i will get up and try again.

i guess this is what we call full on grieving and the glimmer of hope is finally visible - like a good friend of mine calls it, the "rocket fuel".