when tv just gets too close to reality...

what do you do when you just spent about 2 hrs crying basically non-stop because you were watching tv? and not so much tv, but you watched the same show twice because it landed too close to home? well, it basically landed at home...

for the past two hours i saw a glimpse of what my life could potentially be, or perhaps is without my knowledge... i saw all the different roads i could choose to react, all of them making every single bit of sense on why i would choose each one. i could just sit there and not say anything... i could be sorrounded by people and yet feel the loneliest anyone could ever feel... i could turn to vices, i could reach out for help... i could potentially do something to hurt those whom i love the most... and who cares if i do, it's already been done to me so why bother...

it is not so much the actions or the circumstances that are the most painful - it's the hiding. i have no tolerance for lies. i grew up with too many and i refuse to live in such fear anymore. i've mostly been succesful at it. but i can't help it when something knocks the wind out of my lungs or hits me on the back of the head leaving me almost unconscious, or at best, with a serious case of whiplash...

there are some things i don't want to deal with, mostly because i'm not quite sure of their reality. i'm not one to live in the "what if's?" of life. but when i see something that blantantly reminds me of the "what if's?" of long gone i can't help but dwell in them, even if it is for two hours watching the same thing over and over again.

two weeks ago when i saw the preview for this show i knew that i didn't want to watch it by myself. i completely forgot what it was about until i started watching it. you would think i would've turn the tv off, but no, i watched it twice. it's saved on TiVo until i delete it. don't know if it's one of my dumbest ideas ever or the potential for some cathartic cleansing of self... perhaps a bit of both...

it feels too late to call anyone... here's the cyber-vomit... maybe some nyquil is in order 'cause i'm not quite sure if i'll fall asleep on my own.

in the meantime i'll just redirect my anger towards this. some people are fucking idiots!!!!