a new year

today officially starts the celebration of my birthday. i believe that birthdays should be celbrated for a whole month - my celebrations usually dwindle around valentine's day. i "blame" my mom for treating our birthdays growing up as national holidays... i believe mine still is and everyone around me celebrating a birthday should be treated likewise!

having my birthday so close to the beginning of the year has also meant that my yeras are well defined in that sense - it's easy to go back when i was little and say, "1982, i was four, i remember my first cabbage patch kid"...

growing older, i can go back and say, "1996, i was 18, first year where i allowed myself to be myself." or, "2001, i was 23, the year of the uprooting." "2004, i was 26, the year i officially became an adult, emotionally."

2006...

so many things have happened this year. if you've been near me, you've seen it, no need to recount. those of you far away that got the stories have collectivelly said, " you've had one really rough year..." those of you far away and that we haven't been able to catch up... well, the stories are too many and some of them too painful to send into cyberspace - we can find a way to sit down and catch up...

i can truly say that 2006 was the year when victimization of myself sounded like the best option and i fought my ass off to not fall into it... i believe i succeded with flying colors... it was the year when it was very easy to believe that there was something wrong with me because everytime i turned around somebody else was out of my life without me even realizing it. it was the year - and this is the most painful of it all - when solitude became seriously painful because whenever i went on to take care of myself and meet with god in solitude i would come back to find someone gone - and i allowed this pattern to pull me away from the one thing that gives me the most life. i was afraid to meet with god because it probably meant that someone was tangibly dissapearing.

it was also a year of reconnecting with some ideologies from my past that i had forgotten. i saw myself in a new light, a new light that really has been there all along. it was the year were a handful of my friends and i were able to sit across from each other and with glances and tears we were able to say, "we're in this together," while blowing up that which we had known. stronger bonds, stronger lives overall...

it was a year of redefinition - of home, life, work, identity...

i'll look back and say, "2006, i was 28, it was the year when innocense turned into hope."

ps - thanks to all of you who followed up on me regarding my previous post... the aftermath of suicide is a bitch! just remember that if the thought even crosses your mind!