goodbye chicago

the truck is packed and ready to go.

last night i spend it alone at my place. it is officially no longer my home but an empty space.

i'll spend tonight at the moorhouse's and set of to drive tomorrow.

i'll spend today with people that i love.

i've been driving around saying goodbye to the sights and sounds.

i'll miss chi-town.

i'll miss you friends.

grieving? what?

ok, so it's in full blown swing.

it's good and it tears my heart apart.

it's good for me. i'm learning to take every moment one at a time. seriously. i don't really know what tomorrow will look like. i really don't.

one moment at a time.

the apprentice

so kendra won.

this was one that went to the task itself, and in this case i agree with the decision made.

tana's anger got a little sketchy during the live board room... i didn't know what to do with her.

but the biggest congratulations goes to donald trump and the producers of the show for learning from their mistakes. see, an hour long show was more than enough. no more three hour long finales. and please, no more regis phelbin.

more power to kendra playing in a boy's world. bring it on!!

GARAGE SALE!!!

we're selling all our stuff!!!! almost...

come over to our place this saturday and sunday and buy stuff from us. seriously, do so. we need the $$ to pay for gas for the truck.

330 E Russell St. Barrington


ALSO...

next wednesday, may 25th, the peeps at work are throwing a goodbye thing for me. feel free to drop by anytime from 7-9pm at Gianni's, the italian restaurant at the shops of kildeer right across my starbucks in deer park. would love to see you swing by.

only two weeks...

i've been really angry the past few days... now i'm starting to get sad...

it's all part of the grieving process...

i'm alive.

a great week in reality tv!

AMERICAN IDOL

so glad that scott is gone!! truth is that if it would be based on tuesday's performance, anthony should've been the one gone. but simon said it best - he's had more escapes than huddini. now, if we could only switch around some people and bring back nadia instead of anthony, then we would be on for a competition that really would have no losers. here's my "forecast" for the idols...

vonzell - she should win since she's covers the whole persona of "american idol". she might not be the strongest vocalist (though she's great) but she works the stage like no other - she's a diva!! she could work it for a long time as the american idol.

bo - he needs to leave the competition... he's too good to be competing in this thing!

carrie - she will go to the end maybe. she'll become the next shania twain or faith hill - country singer with cross overs every now and then.

anthony - sweetie, you're gone next week.


THE APPRENTICE

talking of people that fall through the cracks... about time craig was gone. i have no idea how he made it so far...

now, two female remain, one from the booksmart and one from the streetsmarts.

we could talk about how this was rigged in order to have one from each team at the end, how it was rigged to have a woman be the next apprentice, etc, etc, etc. let's just celebrate that a woman will be the next apprentice!!

as for a forecast... i don't know, too close to tell. tana has something about her that's assertive and kick ass. kendra has a fire within her. we will definetly need to see next week.

there is a sense of comfort in what is familiar...

and random enough there's a sense of comfort in the unknown, the unexpected.

there's a little adventure and mischieve that adds a sense of wonderment.

even though we wonder what the hell we're doing.

even though i wonder what the hell i'm doing.

yet another instance of just being.

not over-analizing.

not connecting all the dots at once.

just being.

it's freaking may 2nd!!!!

my life as i know it will be over in four weeks...

i don't know what to do with myself.

redefining life

doug scott, a friend who used to work for axis and who is a GENIUS, just got back from traveling the world for a year. he put his memoirs together into a movie that i just saw again tonight.

there's a lot to internalize... it's like you went with him and yet you can't begin to comprehend where he went.

all i know is that i have a new "favorite movie". a movie that makes me want to rediscover my life and redefine who i want to live - all under the scope of love.

more thoughts to come.

when someone you love is loved well.

today i joined my friend beth at a retreat she was having for the coaches and small group leaders she leads. the topic of the retreat was "leaning into love". when she told me about it, i said that i would love to be there and she made the arrangements for it to happen. i know how hard she and her team worked at it and how excited she was that more and more people were showing up...

the day was beautiful and the experience amazing.

at the end of the day, the phrases you heard across the room and directly to beth were along the lines of, "you are the perfect leader for our ministry. god's love for you and your love for god has transformed us. thank you."

now that's powerful.

i met beth about 5 years ago as i was trying to figure out if moving to chicago was what i wanted to do. knowing that she would be moving at the same time that i was made it feel like i already had friends up here. and i wasn't wrong. she and her family have become my "surrogate" family, and for that i'm so grateful.

and one of the best feelings in the world is when you witness someone you love being loved by those she loves and leads.

i'm so thankful i took part of today.

THE SHANIA TWAIN SONG!!!!

re: previous post

"love the way you love me" was the song on the radio as i drove home from the grocery store... i do know almost the whole thing...

and so do you...

random ranting about culture

ok, here's a few things that i'm feeling about tv and the such... very random... you've been forwarned...

AMERICAN IDOL

what the crap is the scott guy still doing there?!?!?!? america, learn to recognize talent and vote for them.... it's almost like i need to vote for everyone BUT the person that sucked... they should change the premise... at least til he's gone, we need to be voting not for the best, but for the person who needs to be casted out... and what's up with vonzell being in the bottom three?!??!!? she is not my favorite AND i agree that every week she gets better, just like nikko, except that we won't be able to see where he could go because america chose to keep someone who gets worst and worst every week. and what's up with nadia being in the bottom three for two weeks in a row?!?! in the words of napoleon, "GOOOOHHH!!! IDIOT!!!!!!"

SHANIA TWAIN

i was driving home from the grocery store last night (thank you moorhouses for your vehicle!) and one of shania's song was on the radio - i really can't remember which one right now. i started singing along... i was impressed at how much of the song i knew by heart. i've never considered myself a shania twain fan. and then it dawned on me: i secretly love shania twain... and so does everyone else!!!! i don't think many people will admit to it. i don't think i still would, just like how i keep telling everyone i don't watch the apprentice anymore because it's dumb but secretly await thursday nights!! but when one of her songs comes up on the radio - everyone in the car will sing along, you will have a difficult time changing the station, both men and women!!! and if you've ever helped plan a wedding - even if you don't really consider it, one of her songs pops into your mind as a possible song to play during it. face it, we all love shania twain and her humble origins in canada as she lost her parents and raised her family basically on her own (thanks E! and VH1!!!)

THE OFFICE - THE SILENT NARRATOR

i LOVE the new show on nbc "the office". the boss is not intentionally an asshole, he just happens to be one! part of the genius is it's documentary style. and i love the documentary style!! from christopher guest to scrubs, where jd is the only one aware of the camera, to arrested development where the narrator has a third point of view and no interaction (LOVE ron howard!) here's the twist of the office. the narrator is the camera... they never say anything - and they are all aware of their presence. from pam saying this week, "oh, would you like for me to repeat the messeages that i told you early for them" as she compicously looks at the camera to the awkardness of well timed silent pauses... the show is pure genius. i was a little apprehensive after the pilot. i thought it was funny but didn't really see the potential of this lasting for seasons... but as a former member of cube farm now i know there's so much more from where that came from... if you haven't seen this show, think of it as the movie office space meeting the show arrested development... pure genius.

I STILL AM IN LOVE WITH JON STEWART!!!!

that's really all i have to say about this one - very intellectually and sexually attracted.

that's all i have for now... i'll keep ranting later...

it just makes sense

i got back from denver yesterday, about 36 hours after i was supposed to. missing a flight by 3 minutes, only flight available next day at 6am, that being delayed for three hours, "el" train delayed as well... seriously, i should've driven home :-D

we found an apartment!! it is official, we're moving may 31st!!! it's extremely exciting and nerve rocking and sad all at the same time. i will miss my friends here, i will miss barrington (not their police department, they suck!!!), i will miss chicago. did i mention my friends?

the best part of it all is that in the midst of the tornado (to use this past weekend's analogy) there's so much peace. this next steps feels good. it just makes sense.

i can't describe it. it just does.

so, the next 8 weeks are all about being with my friends!!!

drained.

sometimes it feels like the world is crashing on top of you and you have no choice but to let it fall and feel the weight. well, you might have the choice but not the energy. i recieved some news that pierced my heart. i'm looking forward to the train and plane ride as i go to denver tomorrow. i might just be that person that comes undone. that person that everyone stares at but no one dares ask what's going on. i'll be ok. i'm on the lookout for jesus to show up.

sometimes it feels like the world is crashing on top of you and you have no choice but to let it fall and feel the weight. you might have the choice but not the energy. i recieved some news that pierced my heart. i'm looking forward to the train and plane ride as i go to denver tomorrow. i might just be that person that comes undone. that person that everyone stares at but no one dares ask what's going on. i'll be ok. i'm on the lookout for jesus to show up.

car is no more.

i gave it to c.a.r.s. at willow creek. i cried. i took ten pictures of it. no, really, i took ten pictures of it.

i had a horrible interaction with the barrington police department who were not willing to give me a 16 hour extension on the towing of my car from the streets. seriously, who has the balls to not be that compassionate? i usually don't go to this place, but i think that if we were not in a rental situation or my last name would've been jones instead of berrios-torres, there would have been no problem with my car on the road. sad.

it looks like in order to be able to work i'm going to have to transfer to the starbucks in downtown barrington. now i'm grieving my friends at my starbucks. what i thought was going to be a two month before good bye might be a week.

grieving. no fun.

ps - c.a.r.s. is not able to lend me a car because of insurance. i figured out that much. it still sucks for me.

inviting the world into possibility

if it's truly about relationality, and i believe life is, then ben zander is my best friend.

here's the possibility i would love to invite people into.

i'm thinking of donating my car to c.a.r.s., a ministry at willow creek where they repair cars and give them to families who need them. if they have the energy and funding to fix it, more power to them. if they want to use the parts for other cars, awesome. it makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside to know that what is a piece of crap to me could actually solve many problems for someone else... call it car "reincarnation" of some sort.

and from this i would get my car towed from the street without having to pay for it and a nice write off for this year's taxes and i don't have to deal with someone to sell the car to, how much they want to pay, how much it's worth, etc. quite frankly, i don't have the energy for it and i'm downright clueless in these matters.

here's the second part of the possibility i would love to dwell in. c.a.r.s. could lend me or rent me at a very low cost a car for the next two months - in the meantime while i move to denver. before moving i would return the car. i don't know if they do that, but that's what i would love to happen.

once i get to denver i'll be in the downtown area and hopefully within walking distance from work (give it up for starbucks in every corner of populated u.s.). there's public transportation, all the people that i know that live out there are in the same area and i won't technically need a car. that it would be nice to have one, why yes of course. but we'll deal with that one over there.

so, if you pray about this sort of stuff, remember me in the next few days or so. if you are in the process of trying to figure out what god's providence is all about, then mention it when you talk to the trinity. if you believe in kharma, wish that this would be mine. and you can join me as i surrender my desires to the god who loves me more than i could ever comprehend.

i soon need to go away for a full day, maybe an overnight, and get away from this reality to enter the deeper reality. thank you trinity for the deeper reality and thank you matrix for the metaphore.

some things don't resurrect...

but that doesn't mean we don't live in the resurrection.

to celebrate good friday, me and my friend meghan have this "tradition" of going down to wrigleyville and having cheap great food and $5 martinis. on our way back from the city, my car started making this very awful noise. saturday morning, as i'm pulling out of my driveway to go to work, the sound got way too intense so i asked my roommate jen to take me to work. as i'm trying to pull the car into the parking lot my car decides that it's not going anywhere anymore.

i told my friends at work and my friend sean helped me name the sound - it was a "flapping" sound. my friend rich from work came over to look at my car and - to make it short - he pronounced it dead on sunday, march 27th, at about 1pm. my car of 10 years is no more.

here's the conundrum of emotions...

the practical aspect of it all - the "oh my gosh, i don't have a car!" piece that would be so logical to confront - not there... i'm living day by day and after a 4th winter in a row when my car brakes down, suddenly the finding a ride doesn't seem overwhelming - still a bitch, not overwhelming.

i also am very aware that it is just a car. yes, there's money involved and all that jazz - but that in itself, not daunting.

the piece that's messing with me is that this has been my car for 10 YEARS!!!! my parents gave me this car my first year of college. in this car i have 6 years of college memories worth, the many productions it transported props for, the many times i napped in it or changed in it or had a meal in it because i was on the go. the many laughters of my friends from college - some who i still talk to and some who i don't. it's almost as if their memory would be vanished with the vehicle. there were my first years of "official" ministry in that car. the many leader's meeting, the many giving rides to students, the many great conversations had with the students, the many times i saw them get a new glimpse of god while going somewhere, the many tough and hard conversations with many people... there was life with my friends from puerto rico - road trips of 2 hours and us getting ready early in the morning, all the beach trips, all the guys i've pseudo-dated... the actual saving of $$$$ so i could ship my car from puerto rico to algonquin, il... the past four years in illinois - in many ways my car at the beginning and not so early on served as a refuge of a familiar place in the midst of different sorroundings... and then... the memories started all over again... the many friends from church and school/seminary... driving around roseville, mn with my friend beth wondering why so many houses had such huge flags, random sundays with my friend meghan, skipping chapel in order to go to caribou, random trips to the city, to the "beach" in evanston, in wilmette, in st. joseph, mi, taking radom retreats in exciting naperville - lending my car to friends when they needed a larger vehicle - the many times ministry with my new students up here happened inside the two-door vehicle... it's been an integral part of my life...

this is all coinciding with probably one of the suckiest months of all time...

and add to this that as excited as i am to move to denver and can't wait to start this new chapter of my life, the reality of it all has started to sink in... i am leaving in less than 10 weeks. i'm leaving a place that slowly but surely has become home. i'm leaving behind some people that are home, people that have shared with me in the biggest and fastest transformation i've experienced since being in my mother's womb. i already miss them and i'm still with them. it's not pre-grieving. it's full on healthy and appropriate grieving. and it sucks.

so in many ways the piece of metal that's sitting outdoors as i type this is a simple representation of a complex stage of my life. given the circumstances, i'm where i need to be, so in that sense, i'm doing great. what that includes is that i'm in a constant stage of grieving. i laugh, i cry, i mostly cry... and even though some things, like my car, won't resurrect (in fact actually "die" on the day that we celebrate jesus' resurrection), and even though it feels like at times our souls won't resurrect themselves, i know the resurrection follows. i've experienced it. i can't wait til it comes around.

i'm just not there yet.

i'm tired...

i've been opening the store almost every morning. tomorrow i'm off...

looking forward to spending the day with the jesus.

march is done, it's fired!!!

i don't get it... i don't fucking get it...

i just came back from the funeral home. my friend alysun's dad passed away last wednesday. he had ms.

i met alysun when she was a junior in high school. i used to be her leader at the student ministry in willow. we used to go to the streamwood games, to the plays, to hang out with friends that they wanted me to meet.

all through the time i've known alysun her dad was bed ridden - in many ways, this has been a relief.

and it sucks ass!!!! i really never met her dad. yet walking through the room and looking at the pictures i could tell that he led a full life.

there was the wedding picture - he was wearing jeans and a long sleeved shirt, her mom was wearing a white pantsuit with a spaghetti strap flowy white tank and flowers in her hair. references to the beatles where everywhere. and his pictures with alysun said more than words would ever be able to. you could totally see that she was his pride and joy.

as the years went by you could see him deteriorating. the most beautiful pictures where the ones that ripped my gut appart and made me angry. there was alysun getting ready to go to a school dance with her date, and they are standing next to the bed her dad was lying in. there's a picture of all the crazy kids from streamwood high that i know and love, hanging out at alysun's place - and they are hanging out with her dad in his room. and there's a picture of alysun's high school graduation - and they were able to bring her dad in his bed.

it was beautiful and painful - no one deserves to have this as part of their life.

i love alysun. my heart breaks with hers.

this month is done. it's fired. no need for anything else to happen.

i'm looking forward to comfort food tonight. and looking forward to more hiding in jesus - i don't know how else to push through.