some things don't resurrect...

but that doesn't mean we don't live in the resurrection.

to celebrate good friday, me and my friend meghan have this "tradition" of going down to wrigleyville and having cheap great food and $5 martinis. on our way back from the city, my car started making this very awful noise. saturday morning, as i'm pulling out of my driveway to go to work, the sound got way too intense so i asked my roommate jen to take me to work. as i'm trying to pull the car into the parking lot my car decides that it's not going anywhere anymore.

i told my friends at work and my friend sean helped me name the sound - it was a "flapping" sound. my friend rich from work came over to look at my car and - to make it short - he pronounced it dead on sunday, march 27th, at about 1pm. my car of 10 years is no more.

here's the conundrum of emotions...

the practical aspect of it all - the "oh my gosh, i don't have a car!" piece that would be so logical to confront - not there... i'm living day by day and after a 4th winter in a row when my car brakes down, suddenly the finding a ride doesn't seem overwhelming - still a bitch, not overwhelming.

i also am very aware that it is just a car. yes, there's money involved and all that jazz - but that in itself, not daunting.

the piece that's messing with me is that this has been my car for 10 YEARS!!!! my parents gave me this car my first year of college. in this car i have 6 years of college memories worth, the many productions it transported props for, the many times i napped in it or changed in it or had a meal in it because i was on the go. the many laughters of my friends from college - some who i still talk to and some who i don't. it's almost as if their memory would be vanished with the vehicle. there were my first years of "official" ministry in that car. the many leader's meeting, the many giving rides to students, the many great conversations had with the students, the many times i saw them get a new glimpse of god while going somewhere, the many tough and hard conversations with many people... there was life with my friends from puerto rico - road trips of 2 hours and us getting ready early in the morning, all the beach trips, all the guys i've pseudo-dated... the actual saving of $$$$ so i could ship my car from puerto rico to algonquin, il... the past four years in illinois - in many ways my car at the beginning and not so early on served as a refuge of a familiar place in the midst of different sorroundings... and then... the memories started all over again... the many friends from church and school/seminary... driving around roseville, mn with my friend beth wondering why so many houses had such huge flags, random sundays with my friend meghan, skipping chapel in order to go to caribou, random trips to the city, to the "beach" in evanston, in wilmette, in st. joseph, mi, taking radom retreats in exciting naperville - lending my car to friends when they needed a larger vehicle - the many times ministry with my new students up here happened inside the two-door vehicle... it's been an integral part of my life...

this is all coinciding with probably one of the suckiest months of all time...

and add to this that as excited as i am to move to denver and can't wait to start this new chapter of my life, the reality of it all has started to sink in... i am leaving in less than 10 weeks. i'm leaving a place that slowly but surely has become home. i'm leaving behind some people that are home, people that have shared with me in the biggest and fastest transformation i've experienced since being in my mother's womb. i already miss them and i'm still with them. it's not pre-grieving. it's full on healthy and appropriate grieving. and it sucks.

so in many ways the piece of metal that's sitting outdoors as i type this is a simple representation of a complex stage of my life. given the circumstances, i'm where i need to be, so in that sense, i'm doing great. what that includes is that i'm in a constant stage of grieving. i laugh, i cry, i mostly cry... and even though some things, like my car, won't resurrect (in fact actually "die" on the day that we celebrate jesus' resurrection), and even though it feels like at times our souls won't resurrect themselves, i know the resurrection follows. i've experienced it. i can't wait til it comes around.

i'm just not there yet.