it is still so surreal...

i never was really close to laurie. i met her when she was a junior or senior in high school. i wasn't one of her direct leaders in the student ministry, but there was still that relationship, that smile, that hug - even after a year in mexico whenever she saw me she would find me and hug me and say hi. still she was one of "my students" - you have many students that are "your" student when you decide to do this ministry. and my experience is not so "individual". many of laurie's acquantances felt like truly her friends - that was laurie.

and her death has hit me like a ton of bricks. i can't start to imagine what her close friends are experiencing, her fiancee, her family. i don't know the whole story, i've only collected bits and pieces - and i can't quite put together what would drive anyone to such an extreme decision and take their own life. yet at the same time, chances are if i were in her place, circumstances, train of thougth, emotional weight, who am i to say i would've chosen differently?

one of the thoughts that sticks to my mind is the reality of incarnating with each other. being in and with each other's joys and sufferings. i've experienced that in what has been probably the longest four days i can remember. the community coming together has been powerful. what if we lived like this 24/7? maybe we won't have even an opportunity to breath into the lie that we are alone.