idealism and cynicism

my friend nick wrote a series of articles: ON EMERGENCE, PARTS 1, 2, AND 3. through them he speaks to the notions of the future of the church, the reality of the church, the part that god plays in it, the part that we play in it, among other things. he points out the relationship between idealism and cynicism - and i can only claim that this resonates way too well within me.

for years cynicism, and i'll add contempt and self-deprecation, were my drugs of choice. and for a great chunk of those years they were my shield, my coping mechanism, i would not be here today if it weren't for their at-the-time saving grace. no one taught me how to truly be myself, so in the process slamming on others and myself was the best way to go through life and not get hurt. and it worked too, holy shit, did it work...

a few years ago the reality of this self-destructive pattern sunk in. i had a choice. i could keep living out of that place or i could say, "thank you and good bye." i consciously chose the latter, which just led to a transformational process of daily choosing the latter, and at times (of course still today!) choosing the former. and even when i choose what for years was the "default", whether consciously or unconsciously, the turn around is quite simple because i know that's not who i want to be. notice how i use the word "simple", not "easy".

at that time i got in touch with my idealistic self as well. the reason why so many boundaries and shields were up was because there's a beautiful idealistic little girl in me, who believes in people, who believes in hope, who believes in the trinity - and when the belief was threatened or at times shattered stuffing it all away seems like the safest choice.

i can't do that anymore. believe me, i've tried. everytime i try to "protect" my soul jumps out and says, "not anymore - because that's not who you are."

in a world were cynicism, blameshifting, and all those "power tools" are the norm, now i feel alone. i've faced this question many times, and in the past few days, it's been louder and louder - will i be ok if it is just god and me from now on? and my gut screams "YES!" there's no doubt within me. and then life happens, and you feel like you're the only one living like this, and push comes to shoves and i wonder, "would i really be ok if it's just god and me." right now the person of the trinity that makes the most sense to me is jesus, so at the top of my lungs i'm screaming, "jesus be there! i'm in!"

i believe in a world where god is loving every single person on the face of the earth - me, the homeless at the shelter a few blocks away from me, george w. bush, saddam hussein, bin ladin - loving us all the same. i believe in the human capacity of experiencing that love and once that happens having no choice but to acknowledge where it came from and then having the choice of living out of that LOVE or ignoring it and going about like nothing had happened. i believe in the necessity of others in my life to be god's face for me, to lovingly reflect to me what they see in me, who they see in me, and to show me where god is in me. i believe that i am that to other people. i believe that you can be madly in love with god. i am. i believe that every circumstance in our lives can be used for the furthering of THE relationship. i believe that if every individual was intentional about being in god the possibilities for our lives would be endless.

the possibilities for our lives, for our communities, for our churches, for our countries, for our CHURCH, for the world, are endless.

maybe i'm being to simplistic and naive. but when the complications of life are in our faces, when the shit hits the fan, i believe it all goes back to the core of "do i KNOW that i am loved by god?" if i'm living out of that place, i can only be love to others.

as i write this tears are flowing, no end in sight. i'm done with god's name being bastardized. i'm done with the petty discussions and grievances. all i know is that i truly, truly, truly just want to be in him, in constant communion. and my "idealism" leads me to believe that deep down that's what humanity wants. it might take different forms yet that's the core. and i'm done being angry for no real reason, i'm done pointing fingers, i'm done with making the problem someone else's.

this is how i chose to live, even if at times it really feels like it's just god and me. i can only hope and trust that others will meet me there.

trinity, i will be ok if it's just you and me.