for those of you who asked...

here's the english translation of the "no puedo abortar" piece... please remember that there's ALWAYS something lost in the translation...
July 26

I CAN’T ABORT

“today I had the difficult task of being a young man’s companions while in another place his girlfriend was having an abortion. some might say, “but pastor, how could you?!” first of all, I’m his friend and sister. i’m not here to judge anyone. he needed me. while he tried his best to hold back his tears i could only be with him without saying a word... waiting for him to understand – no matter what happens – i love him... and i’m with him. this made me think of a story my grandma told me one time. how she gave birth to a dead baby. she felt it cold in her womb and she had to give birth to it knowing that it was dead...

“in a weird way I feel envy in both instances... there’s within me an agony, a pain, a heart and mind that i can’t abort... i envy the young woman that will emotionally forever remember what she had inside... she’s free... she has nothing growing inside of her... while i... i have an agony and hurt that’s about to be 8 months old and is not showing any signs of wanting to come out... i envy my grandma who with pain and anguish pushed and gave birth to the dead... while no matter how hard i push and scream and press on i can’t release this cadaver that every day grows like an alien – until almost taking all over my insides... and people get angry and scared when I say I don’t want this anymore... i can’t take it anymore... like the full term lady who’s crazy to get the creature out of her system... i’ve got less strength than the dead inside of me... and it grows... it takes over... and my skin is about to burst and my life is slipping away... i can’t abort... there’s no knife or suction device that can remove this. the thing is that this inside of me can’t be aborted. how i wish that it could come out through my mouth... but there aren’t any words nor expressions that could express it... i wish it could come out through my eyes... but as much as i cry – the cadaver is still inside... how i wish that it could come out through my pores... but as much as i shiver and my muscles tense up... it won’t come out from inside... don’t be afraid if i let it take its course... if one day you find me there... all consumed.... unrecognizable because the corpse has not allowed me to breathe or my heart to pump... don’t be scared or be sorry for me... because what i have inside can’t be aborted... what i have inside is all i’ve lost... what i have inside... is what has me...

by neyda yvonne albarran