"no puedo abortar"

my friend neyda wrote a beautiful piece in spanish named "i can't abort." she wrote it as a friend of hers was going through an abortion and the jist of her piece is that she's jealous of this person's abortion because she has something inside of her that feels dead yet she's not able to get rid of it. it is consistently there and as much as she pushes and tries to abort it, it's still there.

i've been thinking of that piece in the past couple of days.

i didn't get the job i wanted. i didn't get this one job that i thought i was a perfect fit for. after being in numerous rounds with this organization (and another one recently) i find myself at square one, starting from scratch. my stomach has turned inside out and it dwells within me. i want to get rid of that sensation yet i can't. it's with me everywhere i go.

as much as i know that my not getting these jobs have nothing to do with who i am as a person, as a professional, as a wholistic human being, you can't help but believe all the lies that come your way: i'm not good enough, i don't deserve it, if only i would've, etc. etc. etc. i trust my general orientation in life and who i am in that: a beloved child of god. there's nothing i can do to have god love me more or less. i know that about myself. that's who i am at the core. the peace that surpasses all understanding in the person of the holy spirit is felt and affirming my inclinations. and in the past couple of days the lies are making headway. it's only reasonable. i'm only human. i'm beautifully human. i've allowed the lies to dwell with me for a little while - and they hurt. they hurt profiously. the pain goes beyond my stomach and takes over my intestines, squeezing them until all i want to do is curl up in bed and cry...

i've been intentional about spending time by myself and with people. i've had the beautiful opportunity to be able to sit with people and not have to think and/or dwell in the bullshit... they welcomed me to just be, with the occasional tears, the numbness, and all that entails...

today i started to look for jobs again. the knot intensified. i wish i could abort it. i can't. if i'm really honest with myself, deep down, i don't want to. i know this is growing me into who i truly am. this grieving part is a bitch, though!