down memory lane...

fun times :-)

Los Fabulosos Cadi...

things that made me happy this weekend

further conversations about the integration of god's fatherhood and motherhood, bringing my comprehension of god closer to its fullness.

the word sin being used from an archery metaphor meaning, "missing the mark." keep practicing to acquire skills...

office space - damn it feels good to be a gangsta!

hanging out w/ peeps eating AMAZING chocolate cake.

creating dessert concoctions from scratch.

hanging out with theater people.

margaritas with good peeps at las delicias.

this...


and this...


now i need a weekend to rest from the weekend.

braindead at work

here's how i eat my burritos at chipotle

My Chipotle Burrito:

Chipotle Fan.com

could i be more in love?!?!?

i want to be them...

a breath of fresh air

life gives them to you - simple reminders that say "you are loved"

i'm thankful for the one today.

when tv just gets too close to reality...

what do you do when you just spent about 2 hrs crying basically non-stop because you were watching tv? and not so much tv, but you watched the same show twice because it landed too close to home? well, it basically landed at home...

for the past two hours i saw a glimpse of what my life could potentially be, or perhaps is without my knowledge... i saw all the different roads i could choose to react, all of them making every single bit of sense on why i would choose each one. i could just sit there and not say anything... i could be sorrounded by people and yet feel the loneliest anyone could ever feel... i could turn to vices, i could reach out for help... i could potentially do something to hurt those whom i love the most... and who cares if i do, it's already been done to me so why bother...

it is not so much the actions or the circumstances that are the most painful - it's the hiding. i have no tolerance for lies. i grew up with too many and i refuse to live in such fear anymore. i've mostly been succesful at it. but i can't help it when something knocks the wind out of my lungs or hits me on the back of the head leaving me almost unconscious, or at best, with a serious case of whiplash...

there are some things i don't want to deal with, mostly because i'm not quite sure of their reality. i'm not one to live in the "what if's?" of life. but when i see something that blantantly reminds me of the "what if's?" of long gone i can't help but dwell in them, even if it is for two hours watching the same thing over and over again.

two weeks ago when i saw the preview for this show i knew that i didn't want to watch it by myself. i completely forgot what it was about until i started watching it. you would think i would've turn the tv off, but no, i watched it twice. it's saved on TiVo until i delete it. don't know if it's one of my dumbest ideas ever or the potential for some cathartic cleansing of self... perhaps a bit of both...

it feels too late to call anyone... here's the cyber-vomit... maybe some nyquil is in order 'cause i'm not quite sure if i'll fall asleep on my own.

in the meantime i'll just redirect my anger towards this. some people are fucking idiots!!!!

two years ago today...

thinking of her family and loved ones...

may god give you strength...

it was almost completely melted...

you could see grass...

you could wear open-toed shoes...

and now there are three inches on the ground...

damn it!

we live in the neighborhood...

maria and i went to a contemplative prayer session in a neighborhood church. we went around introducing ourselves and when they came to us, they asked us how long we have been attending this particular church, to which we replied, "oh, we don't attend here, we live in the neighborhood..." almost every face lit up in wonderment, gratefulness, joy... it was almost comical... and i got it. i got every bit of it...

i do enjoy living in the neighborhood...

ps - no desire to go see this movie at the theaters, but i'm pretty sure i'll be renting it the day it comes out!

at times parts of me are dying. others are alive and well.

it only takes one voice to remind you parts of you are gone: one voice, one touch, one smell, one sound.

a minute awakens the depths of the soul. a minute reminds you a certain part of you is not dead - it's been stuffed for too long.

i don't recognize this dormant self, asleep for too long.

i don't recognize the glimpses of life it irradiates - they scare me.

multiple aspects have changed - are changing - will keep changing

the core remains

i might not be recognizing my core.

dormant soul - i see you through the cracks: break out free - force yourself through the walls.

i await.

fcc my ass!

read this and this. If that can happen, then 3 years ago's "nipplegate" is really nothing. if this is all because prince is a man and janet is a woman, oh, friends, i am PISSED!!!! damn double standards! the fcc can kiss my ass...

ps - stupid bears...

you know you're loved when...

you have a day like the one i had yesterday.

i woke up to find our apartment had been all decorated by my roommate - including cupcakes and all.

all day at work i get e-mails, text, google chats, etc from people wishing you a happy birthday - people i haven't seen in YEARS and people that i have no clue why they remembered it.

my sister made sure she went to her friends place late at night to make sure she was able to talk to me in spite of the 7 hour difference.

to top the night off, i had one of the best happy hours/dinner anyone can hope for... the restaurant was a revolving door for friends to swing by, from co-workers, to former co-workers, to people i see every now and then, to my closest friends - all speaking words of afirmation and love... couldn't ask for anything more.

if there's a great way to have a birthday, it was yesterday. here's to hoping that this is a premonition of the year to come!

to all of you, thank you.

and i'm 29.

happy birthday to me.

thank you very much.

good night.

on the eve of 29...

starting the 30th year of my life...

my life is definitely not where i would've thought it would go. all the twist and turns have been exciting and crazy and weird and unexpected... i'm loving every second of it... i'm waiting to be reawakened as well...

dear jesus, reawaken my soul...

let the birthday celebrations officially begin!

this weekend i'm going out of town with peeps that i love in order to celebrate my b-day... 29... as of next tuesday...

woohoo!!!

i might have just missed it

i'm not very practical or tangible for the most part. i live in the abstract realm of ideas and values where those are the driving forces for the tangible and practical things that i do... when you ask me how i do something it's hard for me to explain it. the why is easy to convey...

i forget that most of the world doesn't function in this manner... i forget that overall, i'm really different in this way. it's easy to feel alienated from my surroundings because most of the world around me is discussing the intricate details of the how..

i don't care about the how. i care about the why.

in the middle of loranger, louisiana this has become more prevalent than before...

then add all the mystic influences in my life...

through no ones doing, i feel excommunicated from the general community of god.

it is my responsibility to remind myself that i'm not excommunicated, that there are different forms of spirituality and that right now i'm in a group where i'm the minority.

reiterating - no one has said or done anything to intentionally affect me - this is my new existential crisis, if you will...

ps -in the next week or so look for a post on more transformational experiences after serving a day in new orleans...
pss - tim lahaye and his wife apparently wrote a book a while back about sexual purity... a book, that in my opinion and many of those around me right now, should either become a burnt offering or "left behind"... these peeps are funny...
pss - 7pm in episcopalian time means wine and cheese... gotta <3 them.

a new year

today officially starts the celebration of my birthday. i believe that birthdays should be celbrated for a whole month - my celebrations usually dwindle around valentine's day. i "blame" my mom for treating our birthdays growing up as national holidays... i believe mine still is and everyone around me celebrating a birthday should be treated likewise!

having my birthday so close to the beginning of the year has also meant that my yeras are well defined in that sense - it's easy to go back when i was little and say, "1982, i was four, i remember my first cabbage patch kid"...

growing older, i can go back and say, "1996, i was 18, first year where i allowed myself to be myself." or, "2001, i was 23, the year of the uprooting." "2004, i was 26, the year i officially became an adult, emotionally."

2006...

so many things have happened this year. if you've been near me, you've seen it, no need to recount. those of you far away that got the stories have collectivelly said, " you've had one really rough year..." those of you far away and that we haven't been able to catch up... well, the stories are too many and some of them too painful to send into cyberspace - we can find a way to sit down and catch up...

i can truly say that 2006 was the year when victimization of myself sounded like the best option and i fought my ass off to not fall into it... i believe i succeded with flying colors... it was the year when it was very easy to believe that there was something wrong with me because everytime i turned around somebody else was out of my life without me even realizing it. it was the year - and this is the most painful of it all - when solitude became seriously painful because whenever i went on to take care of myself and meet with god in solitude i would come back to find someone gone - and i allowed this pattern to pull me away from the one thing that gives me the most life. i was afraid to meet with god because it probably meant that someone was tangibly dissapearing.

it was also a year of reconnecting with some ideologies from my past that i had forgotten. i saw myself in a new light, a new light that really has been there all along. it was the year were a handful of my friends and i were able to sit across from each other and with glances and tears we were able to say, "we're in this together," while blowing up that which we had known. stronger bonds, stronger lives overall...

it was a year of redefinition - of home, life, work, identity...

i'll look back and say, "2006, i was 28, it was the year when innocense turned into hope."

ps - thanks to all of you who followed up on me regarding my previous post... the aftermath of suicide is a bitch! just remember that if the thought even crosses your mind!

angry

deciding to end your life might "end" your problems, but it also means that many problems will surface for those of us who love you. can't believe you were so selfish. i'm really angry at you right now!

it happens every time...

whenever i come back from puerto rico, the displacement kicks in. i've been gone for too long to fit in anymore - i don't quite fit in where i'm at either... it's a roundabout way of being reminded that true home is in god and nowhere else - so in a sense i'm lucky for having such a vivid reminder. it is painful as hell, though...

seeing so many people that i hadn't seen in a long time (see picture below for some of them) is very nourishing and gives you a sense of grounding. seeing new people, like little jaikob makes me so happy and extremely sad - i'm missing out on their lives down there...

but i've been gone too long - i'm just a blurb that shows up every year - not a constant in life.

in the united states, whether chicago or denver, finding that grounding stability is so hard... it took three years in chicago. denver feels a lot faster, still shaky ground nonetheless.

need to keep being me - with my "too much puertorican" on this end of the pond, and the "too much gringa" on the island... that's who i am right now - can't help it.

can't expect anyone to fully undersand either - that's the hardest part... people want and can empathize... however this does feel like one of those things that i need to deal on my own...

the prayer for this season is - jesus please be as real as you can be. i don't have the strength or energy to be proactive, so please show up. and open my eyes and awareness so i can see you - even in the littlest things, even in the buttloads of snow out... show me glimmers of hope and the comfort of home.

ps - i will post pictures from puerto rico soon - left the usb cable at my parents'... idiot, gah!

¡feliz año nuevo!

this is what a puertorican new year looks like...




and people have been getting creative...