i'm still alive!!!

i'm back!!!

this whole not having internet at home is really a pain in the ass... i feel disconected from everyone - so sucks!!

and there are many thoughts in my brain... the main one is this whole incarnation deal... god decided to take human form and be born through a birth canal... what the hell is this all about?!!? i've been reading some good stuff on incarnation - god becoming human, on us living in incarnation (god with us), and the incarnation manifested through art.

i read this one essay on dance and how the incarnational lifestyle is expressed through this beautiful artform... i've been chewing on it for a while, love how are bodies are created to express so much without having to us a single word. last night at axis my friend becca did a dance to breath of heaven. honestly, not a big fan of the song, but she was beautiful!!! there's something about the human body, the human creation, the movement it makes, the story it tells - i haven't been led in worship like that in a while... it just makes me miss dancing myself.

during this christmas season, i challenge you to explore this whole business of god becoming human. and like jarrett stevens said last night in axis, this whole god "in" us deal... god in us. living in us. manifested in us. in humanity.

"jesus has quit"

aahh... the daily show...

last night they did their segment "the week in god"

they did the non-jeudo-christian demi-minute on the muslim month of ramadah, because as we all know, "us americans can't stay focus for more than 30 seconds in something we don't understand."

they also covered the news that jerry fallwell (spelling?), the extreme right wing guy who was described as a "religion in itself" is hoping to resurrect the christian lobbying/party deal... from this it went to an actual soundbite of him saying, "i support the president in bombing the terrorist in the name of our lord"... stephen colbergh quickly followed with another story, "in a related story, jesus has quit."

do yourself a favor and watch this show. it's the best social/political commentary since "the simpsons"...

also go watch "finding neverland" - the trapped imagination in you will thank you.

back "home"

little did i know when i wrote the previous post that the whole sleeping thing was going to be bigger than me. i got back on monday night/tuesday morning and was yesterday all day in bed - literally. i got up at 5pm, had breakfast/lunch/dinner, watched some tv, then went back to bed.

by the way - stuck in the plane for four hours on my way down because of snow in o'hare... stuck in dallas for 3 hours because they were replacing the ignition on the plane, which was not replaceable and we ended up switching planes and gates... bad travel kharma...

and for those of you that know me well, i'm back in that place of displacement and going through all that funk. for the first time in a long time i saw puerto rico as home and with some potential of moving back sometime soon... this morning when i left my house and everything was covered in snow, i saw it as one of the most beautiful sights ever and loved that this is home... can't i work a deal where i live in one place for six months and in the other for the rest of the year? who would be willing to pay for my airfare? oh, wait, i hate living like a nomad, out of my suitcase... that's why i could never be a rockstar.

in the meantime, i'm back "home".

sleeping? what?

ok, so i've been down in puerto rico for about 36 hours and if i've slept 8 hours it could be considered an achievement. i'm having fun, i'm tired, but who cares... that's what a vacation is all about... anyone for karaoke tonight?

looking forward to warm weather!!

no, chicago is not getting a warm front. in fact it's supposed to start snowing this weekend.

AND i won't be here because i'll be in puerto rico!!! we'll be celebrating thanksgiving and christmas together. my sister and her husband will be celebrating christmas in alabama with his family, so truly this is the time that everyone will be together.

i'm looking forward to it. i'm excited about seeing my family and friends. and i'm brazing myself for the culture shock that i always experience every time i go back... and every time i come back.

my sister and her husband decided that they're moving to miami next may. it's a huge step for them. and somehow it's a huge step for me, even if technically it doesn't concern me. you see, even if i don't live down in the island, somehow that's a type of home in my life. it's a type of grounding, if you will. the people i love either live down there or in the chicago area. that they are moving somehow breaks up this notion, forcing me to face reality and life. i'm talking with her tonight to get more details on it.

so that's really the deeper reason why i'm so excited to go down to puerto rico on wednesday. who knows when will be the next time that my family will be back together in the same place again.

wow... those are words i never thought i would type, think, or say...

a makeover story

so today my roommate kristen and i turned off the tv in order to be able to leave the house. we were watching trading spaces and next up was a makeover story back to back episodes. i went about and did some things. as i was ready to leave the house i turned on the tv to set the vcr to record scrubs tonight and there it was, a makeover story. a p.e. teacher and her 26 year old daughter who is a professional football player were getting a makeover for the sports banquet.

i am a fool over stories like this. i always end up crying. this time what got me was the daughter husband saying that he was excited to see how his wife would look now, and yet knowing that he loves her for who she is not how she looks. and then when he saw her he was in shock with the genuine look of love in his face - saying that he really wanted to talk to her and see what happened and how it went because he hadn't seen her in two days...

stories of love and any kind of transformation always get me.

and don't even get me started on extreme home makeover - always, ALWAYS cry when i see them...

queer eye for the straight guy - good lord... beautiful...

proof that there are pieces of god all over the place.

i don't like what not to wear - that one is fully out of contempt and people get hurt. don't like it.

reality tv at its finest...

jesus wasn't a republican...

or a democrat for that matter...

here's a little background on my politics...

growing up in puerto rico, politics don't revolve around conservatives and liberals - it is along the lines of political status. the official name of the island is "estado libre asociado de puerto rico" which literally means "associated free state of puerto rico" (which in itself means rich port). this associated free state is commonly translated as "commonwealth" and if we are really honest with ourselves, no one knows what that means, in english or spanish. so the government that has been under united states power since 1898 has gone through a military government to an appointed government to an elected government in the 40's and the current state in 1952 which functions de facto as a colony. the three options that people choose to take sides politically are either statehood, redefined commonwealth (no, we still don't know what that would mean either), or independence.

all that to say - i've always had a liberal flare to my thougts and actions. they have never had anything to do with politics in my paradigm. three years ago i moved up here to illinois and all of the sudden i've been categorized as a "democrat" when i really had no clue what that meant, or what being a republican meant. the bigger shock came when it seemed that nationwide the thought/reaction/default was that if you are a christian you are a republican.

so, not only was i kind of put in a box politically, but the greater body was placing me in the "wrong" box for a christian. what the hell had just happened?!?!

thankfully i learned pretty quickly that the expression/movement that called itself "christian = republican" is more of a loud voice than a huge mass, even if it feels like it. it still very disconcerting in my mind when republicans call people "liberals" intending it to be an insult. that has never been an insult in my brain. when someone calls me a liberal, i tend to say "thank you" or "you know me well."

what's so wrong about being a liberal?!?!

yes, i voted for kerry and for obama (honestly, though, who really voted for keyes?!?) but i know that has nothing to do with my relationship with the trinity. that people voted for bush have nothing to do with their relationship with the trinity. or so i thought.

i got sick to my stomach during the past election when the overwhelming reaction was that the christian groups and their concern for moral values were the reason for the republican sweep. i don't want to believe that as true. i would rather believe that people voted for whoever they thought was the best candidate for the position without feeling obliged or responsible or fearful of the "what would people think/this is what a christian would do" mentality. sadly, it appears to be that a lot of people voted along the bandwagon. and then i hear about the christian right about to start lobbying for god knows what.

if you know me, you know that i don't like to be put into boxes. it feels like politically i've been shoved into one.

fyi: JESUS WASN'T A REPUBLICAN!!! OR A DEMOCRAT!!! the reason why people are in politics and office (hopefully) is because they love their country and they want to do what's best for it. how about we use our very own critical thinking skills and start making decisions for ourselves instead of voting one way or the other because "that's what i've always done" or "that's how i was raised."

please, all republicans and democrats and independents (where i really consider myself in) - question your values, your thoughts your beliefs - you'll learn so much - you'll grow so much. and no matter where you are at - questions your faith, your relationship with the trinity, or lack of - you might loose it for a while... that would probably be the best thing that happens to you.

in the meantime - don't judge or put people in boxes because of their political thoughts... i don't think jesus would've approached the people of his time wondering if they were liberals or conservatives or from the far right. it seems that his approach was all about love... hum... what a concept... let's try that one on our daily lives and see how our outlook might change for the better.

from silence to deafness

that's how the past week has felt like...

i was living life... working at the bucks... and then, more life happened...

i got contacted about 2 jobs i had been looking at... one was an offer, the other the resurrection of a hope.

as i try to figure out what i want, as the lies in my head tell me that "beggers can't be choosers," today i ran away from it all by being under my covers, in that darkness, for an extended period of time...

the silence of the past couple of weeks left giving way to noise so loud that i intentionally became deaf...

huh...

pretty intense week - i'm sure this one brings with it more of the same...

if you thought ohio was it...

i present to you elections in puerto rico...

the pro-commonwealth candidate is winning over the pro-statehood candidate by .20% making it a mandatory recount starting next monday...

i was up til 3am watching what the hell was going on in ohio, talking to my family to see what the hell was going on in puerto rico, and watching the history channel and their very intriguing show on hitler, ww2, and the holocaust... very interesting and in depth - if you know me and my ww2 fettish, well, yeah...

so you get a glimpse of another culture, go to http://eleccionespuertorico.org/2004/index_en.html

enjoy...

aahh... the spectator sport that is politics...

ray

last saturday night i saw "ray". here are some thoughts...

the power of story...
the script was not great at all. and there were some editing moments that made you go "really?". however, the way the story is told leaves you no choice but to be immersed in it, to laugh with ray, to cry with him, his wife, his lovers... it's truly amazing how someone's vulnerability can suck you in and grab you for 2 and a half hours without you realizing it.

there were some ambitious editing moments that were masterful. and then there were some, as mentioned above, that really made you question them "you weren't even trying to be ambitious there, why would you do it like that?" but the chronological 20 years intertwined with the childhood and the music draws you in and allows you to forget the not so brilliant moments.

jamie foxx has proven himself to be a great actor. the oscar buzz is not undeserved - i would not be surprised if he wins the golden globe. some of the marginal acting was not as flawless - yet the ray charles impersonator is able to carry the movie all by himself - a compliment for foxx, a second guessing of the casting and to some extent the direction.

the creation of art...
many moments throughout the movie show how many of his songs were created in the midst of pain and suffering, as a reflexion of his life and where he was at. one of the most powerful moments was when he had just broken up with his lover and she sings the lead for "hit the road, jack" - the anger, the pain... the fast-paced, feel good song had become a cry of the soul, turning it into a tragic outburst... as she is performing it from within we see the crowds of people dancing and singing along, being entertained, not even noticing the vulnerability of the singer as she performs...
this scene made me wonder why is it that the best art comes from that painful, broken place. aren't we as artist able or capable of creating in the midst of what we would call "a good place"? i would love for this to not be true, and to say that my best writing or performances come from the "great times of life". however, i need to admit to myself that the rawness, vulnerability, and nakedness of those painful and suffering times are the ones that allow my creations to be what they are... interesting thoughts...

by the way, go see the movie. worth every penny and every minute.

stripped away

just when you think you begin to have a grip of what it means to live with your identity in christ and how that plays out practically, the rug is swept away from underneath your feet and you feel like you're at square one trying to barely make it to find your balance all over again...

for lack of a better cliché, it's like you thought you had peel all that you could out of the onion to find that there are unumbered untouched layers hidden beneath.

and at times you need to come up for air...

i recently found an old third day cd - i've been living out of the last song of that cd for about a week... "nothing compares to the greatness of knowing you lord" - i keep hiding myself in the fold of his arm.


ps - drew, that vdo shoot was probably one of my coldest experiences as well... good lord, can't remeber the question either - all i remember is the water tower and taking the wrong exit ending up in i-94 and willow rd... good times...

the weather... the weather... how i hate the weather...

so sad, so true... winter is here... and i say winter because we really don't have a fall in chicago. well, maybe we did, for about 2 weeks.

i crave the warmth of 70+ degrees, the whole concept of not layering clothes, of not having to think twice to walk around my neighborhood... i missed the month of summer that we had.

i know there are a few of you out there that enjoy the chilly aspect, the snow, and all that jazz... i do enjoy those, for a week, and then i'm done.

i'm not being dramatic or over reacting when i say that really, when this time of the year comes around, there's a part of my soul that wants to shrink down and i have to intentionally fight to keep it alive... that's where i'm at...

in the meantime, i will enjoy the one thing i do enjoy about this time of the year... fashion.

off-line and *$...

my laptop of almost 4 years is on the verge of quitting life in its entirety. we haven't had internet at home for over a week now, and i never realized how used to it i was til then. i would love to write more deep things in this blog... those used to come out late at night - and i doubt that the barrington library will let me come in after midnight...

thanks to all of you that have asked me about my next steps in life. i've been working for a week at the starbucks in kildeer/deer park, so come visit!!

my sister was in town last weekend - so much fun including random trips to mi-li-wau-keeh... i love her to pieces and it was a sad moment when i dropped her off at the airport. she's the living proof that intimacy and being blood related can co-exist.

well, i'm on borrowed time at the library - talk to you guys later...

by the way - eternal sunshine of the spotless mind was out on dvd last week... go get it now!!! and tomorrow, the dvd release of aladdin!! it's a great month!

more movies and a "definition" for "evil"

i keep renting and watching movies...

i watched "nuremberg" this week. if you know me well, you know that i have a fetish/obsession with world war 2 and all the complexities it entails... this movie is about the trials that went on in the german city of nuremberg after the war - the allies are processing the captured leaders of the nazi regime.

after watching in court a film about the concentration camps with all the horrors that happened in them, two of the main character are trying to make sense of what they just saw... they are trying to understand why would anyone commit such atrocitities.

one of them says that evil is the abscence of empathy. once you can't empathize with someone, you don't understand them, and if you don't understand them chances are you won't treat them like human beings.

i know that the extremes of the genocide that went on during the war are beyond meassure and cannot be justified. but under this definition, evil isn't this far-fetched thing, attitude, and/or behavior that is out there, that only "bad" people participate in. if this definition has any glimpse of truth (which i think it does) - then "evil" is a reality in my daily life. i lack empathy for others on a constant basis. it's a lot easier to be judgmental than to seek to understand.

i guess my point in all this is that by watching this movie i was reminded once again that there's no "us" and "them" and that nothing is out of my reach. i have the capacity to be both "good" and "evil". we all do. through this movie i learned to embrace this in me once again, to love the "whole" of me, and to know that others are just like me.

america: the book

more recomendations for you, the reader...

the daily show with jon stewart has put out a book called america: the book. do yourself a favor and buy it right now. it's $20 at barnes and noble.

be forwarned - contempt runs amock in the writing. having that said, it's probably one of the smartest, wittiest, and funniest publications i have seen in a long time. the foreword is by thomas jeferson, who signs it as "tj"...

throughout the whole book, in the midst of the poking fun and sometimes cynical/hateful remarks, you do find nuggets of truth that apply to our politics today...

our friend "tj" in his foreword points out that the ammendments are called ammendments because they ammend, reminding us that the forefathers were not perfect, and somehow they didn't expect the future generations to be perfect. tj pleads with the 21st century u.s. citizen to please not take the forefathers so seriously and to govern the u.s.a. as is best right now...

that's something only thomas jefferson can get away saying in 2004.

scotland, p.a.

friends, romans, countrymen, lend me your ears...

for anyone of you that are in love with the arts, i highly recommend that you watch the movie scotland, p.a. it's a "remake" of shakespeare's macbeth, set in a little town in pensylvannia in the 1970's and in a fast food restaurant. very interesting, funny as in dark humor funny, and proving once again the genius that shakespeare was.

the director says that he wanted to make a movie of macbeth that could be understood and appreciated by the high schooler who's buying the cliff notes and getting stoned :-)

i also realized after i watched it that a friend of mine suggested i saw it a while back... seriuosly friends, go out and rent it.

on hurt pride...

i have more things to say about my feeling of my pride being hurt because of my possibility of working at starbucks...

first of all, i don't mean this to be an insult to anyone that works in a coffee house! that's not where i'm coming from at all!!!

there's a part of me that feels like my next job "should" be on what i spent thousands of dollars in my education. i have a masters of arts in transformational leadership. therefore, it "only makes sense" that i will be working in a ministry position transforming the crap out of many people. the past months have proven to be dissapointing and i don't know what will be my future in full time ministry...

as much as i would like to say that my identity is not wrapped up in what i do but in who i am in god and who the trinity created me to be, reality is that i have desires, and i long in my heart to eventually be leading people toward the transformation of their lives towards the image of christ. that gets confused and my identity sometimes gets mixed up - sometimes i think that i am what i do... hence the possibility of working at a coffee house seems like a failure to some extent.

i know in my head that's a lie... it's the process of believing that in my heart that is challenging...

hence we go back to my theme of living in the moment. maybe this is the best choice for the right here right now, we'll see... i would love to have a clear vision of the future, but i don't. i can only go as far as i see. and for now, i see that i need to get out of the house, get to meet new people, and be jesus incarnate no matter in what setting i find myself in.

"hurricane" jennie and hurt pride...

puerto rico is in the midst of a hurricane as i type this. well, technically it was a tropical storm since the winds weren't at 75 mph, they were only at 74 mph. my parents, my sister and husband, and my close friends are doing fine, but there are many stories about floods, deaths, and trees on the ground. it's been a very nerve-rocking time for me as it is the first time i am not in the island while there's a hurricane. my family is there and there's nothing i could do about it... it was horrible to look at the maps on weather.com and see this huge system on top of a little island that measures 100 x 35 miles... ivan is headed to mobile, alabama, where my brother-in-law's family lives...

i still hate hearing the wind blow... the only paradigm i have for it is a bad storm. when i hear it blow up here in illinois, i still freak out.

among other things going on in my life, today i had the best job interview i've had in the past 3 months... no, it wasn't for any ministry position, it was for starbucks. if the people that interviewed me percieved our conversations the same way i did, i will be providing your caffeine fix in the lake zurich/palatine/kildeer/north hoffman estates area... i'm ready to be out of the house, to meet new people, and to overall give my days a general sense of direction. i'm still in the midst of interviewing and following up with some ministry positions, mostly part time, but in the meantime this feels like the best choice.

it is also hurting my pride a little... i have a masters and i'm about to start working at a coffee place... for now, it works... let's see what happens...

perspective

9-11 will always be a tragedy in most of our memories... but this date was before that and always will be my sister's birthday.

3 years ago it was imposible to reconcile the emotions of what happened that day and my baby sister turning 21.

today it feels like the crashing planes were ages ago as my family prepares to celebrate her 24th.

the day i turned 24 my grandma died... jan 30th will be the day that my mom lost her mom and brought life forth...

now that i've depressed everyone...

not my intention... these are some things that go through my mind... it's all a matter of perspective

beholder's eye

truth is there
reality is there
it can't be escaped
it's just a matter
of how i want to see it
of how i can perceive it
so far.

it can be joyful.
it can be painful.
it can be both
at the same time
confusing
disconcerting
surreal
heart-wrenching.

you can wish it away
you can numb it away
yet every morning
as you wake up
it is still there

it is still there

it is still there.