drained.

sometimes it feels like the world is crashing on top of you and you have no choice but to let it fall and feel the weight. well, you might have the choice but not the energy. i recieved some news that pierced my heart. i'm looking forward to the train and plane ride as i go to denver tomorrow. i might just be that person that comes undone. that person that everyone stares at but no one dares ask what's going on. i'll be ok. i'm on the lookout for jesus to show up.

sometimes it feels like the world is crashing on top of you and you have no choice but to let it fall and feel the weight. you might have the choice but not the energy. i recieved some news that pierced my heart. i'm looking forward to the train and plane ride as i go to denver tomorrow. i might just be that person that comes undone. that person that everyone stares at but no one dares ask what's going on. i'll be ok. i'm on the lookout for jesus to show up.

car is no more.

i gave it to c.a.r.s. at willow creek. i cried. i took ten pictures of it. no, really, i took ten pictures of it.

i had a horrible interaction with the barrington police department who were not willing to give me a 16 hour extension on the towing of my car from the streets. seriously, who has the balls to not be that compassionate? i usually don't go to this place, but i think that if we were not in a rental situation or my last name would've been jones instead of berrios-torres, there would have been no problem with my car on the road. sad.

it looks like in order to be able to work i'm going to have to transfer to the starbucks in downtown barrington. now i'm grieving my friends at my starbucks. what i thought was going to be a two month before good bye might be a week.

grieving. no fun.

ps - c.a.r.s. is not able to lend me a car because of insurance. i figured out that much. it still sucks for me.

inviting the world into possibility

if it's truly about relationality, and i believe life is, then ben zander is my best friend.

here's the possibility i would love to invite people into.

i'm thinking of donating my car to c.a.r.s., a ministry at willow creek where they repair cars and give them to families who need them. if they have the energy and funding to fix it, more power to them. if they want to use the parts for other cars, awesome. it makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside to know that what is a piece of crap to me could actually solve many problems for someone else... call it car "reincarnation" of some sort.

and from this i would get my car towed from the street without having to pay for it and a nice write off for this year's taxes and i don't have to deal with someone to sell the car to, how much they want to pay, how much it's worth, etc. quite frankly, i don't have the energy for it and i'm downright clueless in these matters.

here's the second part of the possibility i would love to dwell in. c.a.r.s. could lend me or rent me at a very low cost a car for the next two months - in the meantime while i move to denver. before moving i would return the car. i don't know if they do that, but that's what i would love to happen.

once i get to denver i'll be in the downtown area and hopefully within walking distance from work (give it up for starbucks in every corner of populated u.s.). there's public transportation, all the people that i know that live out there are in the same area and i won't technically need a car. that it would be nice to have one, why yes of course. but we'll deal with that one over there.

so, if you pray about this sort of stuff, remember me in the next few days or so. if you are in the process of trying to figure out what god's providence is all about, then mention it when you talk to the trinity. if you believe in kharma, wish that this would be mine. and you can join me as i surrender my desires to the god who loves me more than i could ever comprehend.

i soon need to go away for a full day, maybe an overnight, and get away from this reality to enter the deeper reality. thank you trinity for the deeper reality and thank you matrix for the metaphore.

some things don't resurrect...

but that doesn't mean we don't live in the resurrection.

to celebrate good friday, me and my friend meghan have this "tradition" of going down to wrigleyville and having cheap great food and $5 martinis. on our way back from the city, my car started making this very awful noise. saturday morning, as i'm pulling out of my driveway to go to work, the sound got way too intense so i asked my roommate jen to take me to work. as i'm trying to pull the car into the parking lot my car decides that it's not going anywhere anymore.

i told my friends at work and my friend sean helped me name the sound - it was a "flapping" sound. my friend rich from work came over to look at my car and - to make it short - he pronounced it dead on sunday, march 27th, at about 1pm. my car of 10 years is no more.

here's the conundrum of emotions...

the practical aspect of it all - the "oh my gosh, i don't have a car!" piece that would be so logical to confront - not there... i'm living day by day and after a 4th winter in a row when my car brakes down, suddenly the finding a ride doesn't seem overwhelming - still a bitch, not overwhelming.

i also am very aware that it is just a car. yes, there's money involved and all that jazz - but that in itself, not daunting.

the piece that's messing with me is that this has been my car for 10 YEARS!!!! my parents gave me this car my first year of college. in this car i have 6 years of college memories worth, the many productions it transported props for, the many times i napped in it or changed in it or had a meal in it because i was on the go. the many laughters of my friends from college - some who i still talk to and some who i don't. it's almost as if their memory would be vanished with the vehicle. there were my first years of "official" ministry in that car. the many leader's meeting, the many giving rides to students, the many great conversations had with the students, the many times i saw them get a new glimpse of god while going somewhere, the many tough and hard conversations with many people... there was life with my friends from puerto rico - road trips of 2 hours and us getting ready early in the morning, all the beach trips, all the guys i've pseudo-dated... the actual saving of $$$$ so i could ship my car from puerto rico to algonquin, il... the past four years in illinois - in many ways my car at the beginning and not so early on served as a refuge of a familiar place in the midst of different sorroundings... and then... the memories started all over again... the many friends from church and school/seminary... driving around roseville, mn with my friend beth wondering why so many houses had such huge flags, random sundays with my friend meghan, skipping chapel in order to go to caribou, random trips to the city, to the "beach" in evanston, in wilmette, in st. joseph, mi, taking radom retreats in exciting naperville - lending my car to friends when they needed a larger vehicle - the many times ministry with my new students up here happened inside the two-door vehicle... it's been an integral part of my life...

this is all coinciding with probably one of the suckiest months of all time...

and add to this that as excited as i am to move to denver and can't wait to start this new chapter of my life, the reality of it all has started to sink in... i am leaving in less than 10 weeks. i'm leaving a place that slowly but surely has become home. i'm leaving behind some people that are home, people that have shared with me in the biggest and fastest transformation i've experienced since being in my mother's womb. i already miss them and i'm still with them. it's not pre-grieving. it's full on healthy and appropriate grieving. and it sucks.

so in many ways the piece of metal that's sitting outdoors as i type this is a simple representation of a complex stage of my life. given the circumstances, i'm where i need to be, so in that sense, i'm doing great. what that includes is that i'm in a constant stage of grieving. i laugh, i cry, i mostly cry... and even though some things, like my car, won't resurrect (in fact actually "die" on the day that we celebrate jesus' resurrection), and even though it feels like at times our souls won't resurrect themselves, i know the resurrection follows. i've experienced it. i can't wait til it comes around.

i'm just not there yet.

i'm tired...

i've been opening the store almost every morning. tomorrow i'm off...

looking forward to spending the day with the jesus.

march is done, it's fired!!!

i don't get it... i don't fucking get it...

i just came back from the funeral home. my friend alysun's dad passed away last wednesday. he had ms.

i met alysun when she was a junior in high school. i used to be her leader at the student ministry in willow. we used to go to the streamwood games, to the plays, to hang out with friends that they wanted me to meet.

all through the time i've known alysun her dad was bed ridden - in many ways, this has been a relief.

and it sucks ass!!!! i really never met her dad. yet walking through the room and looking at the pictures i could tell that he led a full life.

there was the wedding picture - he was wearing jeans and a long sleeved shirt, her mom was wearing a white pantsuit with a spaghetti strap flowy white tank and flowers in her hair. references to the beatles where everywhere. and his pictures with alysun said more than words would ever be able to. you could totally see that she was his pride and joy.

as the years went by you could see him deteriorating. the most beautiful pictures where the ones that ripped my gut appart and made me angry. there was alysun getting ready to go to a school dance with her date, and they are standing next to the bed her dad was lying in. there's a picture of all the crazy kids from streamwood high that i know and love, hanging out at alysun's place - and they are hanging out with her dad in his room. and there's a picture of alysun's high school graduation - and they were able to bring her dad in his bed.

it was beautiful and painful - no one deserves to have this as part of their life.

i love alysun. my heart breaks with hers.

this month is done. it's fired. no need for anything else to happen.

i'm looking forward to comfort food tonight. and looking forward to more hiding in jesus - i don't know how else to push through.

it's only been 10 years...

dear lord... ten years since graduating from high school...

i had what seems to be an unusual great experience in high school. my friend michelle and i met in 7th grade. our friendship has gone through everything, and in the midst of 2000 miles separation we remain very close.

this week i recieved an e-mail from ricky rivera, a guy we went to high school with. they have been starting a yahoo group to get a reunion in the making. in the last few days i've e-mailed with people i hadn't heard from in... well, 10 years, literally.

it is so weird and so comforting all at the same time. i wonder who they are today and how that compares to who they were 10 years ago. god knows i've changed so much from 10 years ago... i'm intrigued to get to know them all again for the first time.

i was talking to my friend michelle on the phone today and she said, "hold on a second, my daughter doesn't want to take a nap" (she has two girls). when she came back on the phone, she said, "that is still a little weird. i have daughters."

it still feels weird.

so far it seems like we're having a reunion in december. many of us don't live in puerto rico. i really want to be there. i guess i'll start saving up now. i wonder how all of our expectations and/or who we thought everyone would be/where they would be will clash in the same room.

there's some good drama in the making :-D

it is still so surreal...

i never was really close to laurie. i met her when she was a junior or senior in high school. i wasn't one of her direct leaders in the student ministry, but there was still that relationship, that smile, that hug - even after a year in mexico whenever she saw me she would find me and hug me and say hi. still she was one of "my students" - you have many students that are "your" student when you decide to do this ministry. and my experience is not so "individual". many of laurie's acquantances felt like truly her friends - that was laurie.

and her death has hit me like a ton of bricks. i can't start to imagine what her close friends are experiencing, her fiancee, her family. i don't know the whole story, i've only collected bits and pieces - and i can't quite put together what would drive anyone to such an extreme decision and take their own life. yet at the same time, chances are if i were in her place, circumstances, train of thougth, emotional weight, who am i to say i would've chosen differently?

one of the thoughts that sticks to my mind is the reality of incarnating with each other. being in and with each other's joys and sufferings. i've experienced that in what has been probably the longest four days i can remember. the community coming together has been powerful. what if we lived like this 24/7? maybe we won't have even an opportunity to breath into the lie that we are alone.

www.laurieboncimino.com

many of us know laurie and probably know she's been missing since last wednesday. please check the website and if you have any info LET THEM KNOW!!! keep praying...

what?!? a computer that works?!?!

that's right friends, i'm writing this from the comfort of my home!!!! i have a working computer and working internet!!!! i would like to thank the academy and my parents for all their support...

so stay tuned... more postings will be happening... so excited!!!

i feel like peter gallagher

i'm not the typical girly girl... if you know me, you know that pretty well.

all my life i've tweezed my eyebrows myself... call it a control issue, if you will. recently i started going to this one place in palatine where they thread them out and now i'm addicted to the pampering.

here's the dilemma: the hair in my eyebrows seem to grow at different rates and speeds... so for the past 2 weeks i've been letting them all grow out to see if in one sitting we can catch them all at the same time.

by now, i feel like peter gallagher... it's so disturbing. i was reassured by my friend meghan that i don't look like him. however, i still feel like him.

this friday is d-day. can't wait... until then, maybe i'll self-induce in a comma in honor of his non-acting in "while you were sleeping."

i'm hooked...

i'm trying to get a new computer on ebay, a mac mini, and it's intense!!! i hadn't done ebay before, and it's addictive!!! my control issues are popping out over random strangers bidding for the same item!! aaarrrgggghhh!!! shake my fist at them in rage!!!!

the grammy's.

my friend drew loves alicia keys. no, you don't understand, he LOVES alicia keys. and last night i fell in love with her. sure, i've always thought she is great, but her performance last night was amazing!!! she was later joined by jamie foxx in a tribute to ray charles which blew everyone away!!!

the whole night fell like an amazing concert where all the celebrities collided into one huge room. it celebrated musical arts like i've never seen before...

except for jennifer lopez and marc anthony - painful!!!! yes, fellow puertoricans, but dear god!! she just proved she can't really sing - she's a performer/entertainer, not a singer.

and of course, u2. that's all i need to say about that.

overall, amazing night!! who won awards? who really knows, who really cares, the performances where worth the whole night!!

and oh yes, green day won one. it validates my musical taste in high school :-D

the apprentice

i said i was done after season 2. the idea of booksmarts vs. streetsmarts is dumb. however, i can't detach myself from the tv every thursday night. i can't seem to do anything else but want to watch this show... the assignments are lame, the people are bitchy, it's the worst television ever, and i'm hooked like there's no tomorrow... i'm addicted... and to think the martha stewart version is coming up next season... i need tivo.

movies to watch, just not before going to bed.

i saw last week motorcycle diaries... please see this asap!! but not before going to bed... the injustices that you witness along with che guevarra (beautifully portrayed by gael garcia bernal) will make you angry and for a split second you will also support the revolution the way he did. also, watch it and see if you find jesus in it. i did.

another movie to watch (saw it two days ago) - hotel rwanda. he did a phenomenal job and the actress who portrayed his wife really deserves to win best supporting actress. her portrayal grasps your heart and stays with you forever. why not to watch it before going to bed? dear lord, the inhumanity of it all is too much!!! i had to go home and stay awake til 3am in order to feel like it was a 6pm or 8pm movie.

but do yourselves a favor and watch these movies.

god releases...

and embarks you into new horizons...

the past few weeks/about a month have been a little of that in my life... and now it is official. i'll be moving to denver in june. i feel god calling me to keep growing in a different setting.

what's in denver, you ask? well, there's a bunch of crazy kids that i love that are planting a church - radius. that's where i'll be spending the next chapter of my life.

i'm extremely excited and sad about the people i'm moving away from... but no time for pre-grieving - we'll get there when the time comes :-D

go me!! it's my birthday!!!

that's right, this sunday i turn 27th!!!

which, let's be honest, it's the first time that a birthday sort faces me in the sense of, "huh, 27... that's almost 30..." not a big deal, just a weird thougth...

i'm having breakfast and hanging out with my friend kristin in the morning. we're picking up my friend michelle from puerto rico at the airport at noon, hanging out, having dinner with the above mentioned plus beth and sheryl, driving to grand rapids to hang out with lenski and tanya, coming back saturday to celebrate kristin's b-day (who by the way, we share a birthday and we've decided -suspending all rational thinking of course- that we will always live in the same town forever and ever in order to celebrate our birthdays together...) sunday, (my actual birthday) i'm having breakfast with my roommates and michelle, drop michelle at the airport - tear :-( do yoga, going out to a wine bar with the roomies - then monday spending the day by myself... not sure if i'm going down to the city or just staying in my pj's all day - we'll figure it out then...

love it, love it, love it!!!

happy birthday to me...

ps - i started celebrating two weeks ago and plan on keep celebrating for the next two weeks - it is a national holiday ;-)

oh, palatine...

my friend nick and i used to joke around saying that we all needed a monthly dose of palatine... for those of you outside of the greater chicago area, palatine is a suburb that offers nothing grandiose... hence the joke...

however, two of my favorite couples in the whole wide world, the worley's and the moorhouses live there, and they are only 10 minutets away from my place in barrington. so recently i've had more than my monthly dose of platine. in fact this week i even went to palatine high school for their concert, where kreg (mr. moorhouse himself) is their drumline director.

i spent the night at the moorhouses (too much snow and too much vino) and now i'm dreading to go out there since my car seems to be buried in the biggest pile of snow i've seen in a while.

i also had breakfast with the worley's this last wednesday. so much fun... i fell in their parking lot. i was stepping out of my car and the ground was so slippery that i really don't remember my foot touching the ground. i do remember my ass smashed against the ground, but not my foot touching it. the left side of my back is hurting like hell, but i'll survive.

oh, palatine...

the jim wallis interview...

is on the daily show website. well, an edited version... apparently him speaking of his 2 conversions doesn't make it to the funny category. anyways, still worth watching... www.comedycentral.com - look for the daily show page and the interview is on the home page.