40 days

many of you didn't know, but today was the last day of a forty day fast from alcohol. well, techinically, last night was the forty day mark. and today i had a pitcher of sangria with sharon my roommate (granted she only had about 1/4 or the pitcher) and my friend maria (who basically split the pitcher with me.)

what did I learn in these forty days...

1 - i lead a pretty (w)holisitic life - phyisical, spiritual, emotional. kuddos to me!!
2 - as much as i lead a (w)holistic life - i haven't begun to scratch the surface of what that even begin to looks like.
3 - taking care of my physical body is an act of worship.
4 - the only thing that matters to god is that i'm contientous about his love for me: he loves me when i do silly stuff that i don't remember about in the morning because i had a "wild" night and he loves me when i am in complete control of my own faculties and he loves me just the same when i feel the worst about myself.
5 - i'm not crazy in this world - others feel the same about me and about life in general.
6 - my drinking usually is a response of my wanting to be liked and/or approved by others - mostly a function of wanting to be liked, loved, the life of the party and avoiding rejection altogether.
7 - who i am today and who i was 40 days ago is no different, i'm just more conscientious
8 - there's nothing wrong with having a glass of wine, or 7 :-)
9 - jesus is the same today, yesterday, and tomorrow - it is my comprehension of him that changes.

tonight i had a great time with maria. we laughed, we shed some tears, and we shared our passion for jesus. and that's what it is really all about for me... wanting to be like him/her/it and growing and transfroming myself into his/her/its image... i love that and i love that moments like that can happen in random nights sitting at the porch, whether it'll be mine (which kicks ass) or hers and sheralee (which also kicks some ass!) and as long as i'm sorrounded with people that want to know jesus, i'm ok... it sort of reminds me i'm not crazy and that he is real and deeply in love with me, no matter the cost.

the last 40 days have been great. the way the fast ended (mostly with maria) was refreshing. i'm sure the rest of the summer he'll use to show up!!

creepy...

you know how there are silly online "tests" that you do just for fun? well, this one is scarily acurate...

You're Spain!

You like rain on the plain, as well as interesting architecture and
a diverse number of races and religions.  You like to explore a lot, but sailing,
especially in large groups, never really seems to work out for you.  Beware of pirates
and dictators bearing bombs.  And for heavens' sake, stop running around bulls!
 It's just not safe!


Take the Country Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid

and I do love this painter...

Who Should Paint You: Salvador Dali

You're a complex, intense creature who displays many layers. There's no way a traditional portrait could ever capture you!

What Artist Should Paint Your Portrait?

do these people know something i don't? i'm just saying...

oh, the randomness

today is day two at marsico... i'm filling in for my roommate sharon who's on vacation.

last week was the end of two weeks of training and planning at girls inc. of metro denver. i'll go back there in a month to teach performing arts.

i'll be taking a summer class july 5th - 14th.

tonight i start improv classes downtown denver.

i did nothing with maria, sheralee, and jared all weekend.

this weekend i'm going camping to leadville.

it is that random.

the basics

today i was reminded of what is really important to me.

god.

this little crazy thing we call radius.

and by thing i mean the people, not the "institution".

maybe is too simplistic.

maybe is too naive.

all i know is that everything else sort of takes care of itself.

certain

there are many things about myself that I don't know - it feels like ambiguity reigns at times...

and there are a few things that I know are very true to who I am.

one of them has been in my face for the past few i don't know how long. it's been reaffirming and challenging.

i'm a "space-maker".

what does that mean?

i like to create space. whether at my home, or somewhere else, in conversation, etc., i like to create space. i know that i might not have the wisest thing to say or do. however, i know that at times the best thing to do is to give people space and then let them do whatever they want with that space - my hope would be that they would use that space to have god meet them in whatever way possible. yet they get to do whatever they want with that space.

and i'm good at it too!!!

last week a friend of mine called me from puerto rico because she was in planning her friends bridal shower/bachellorette party - she just wanted to run by me what she had planned and wanted to make sure that there was enough for people to do and enough for people to be, "and you're good at that balance, so what do you think?"

i don't know what this means for the rest of my life or for the real immediate future. all i know is that in little steps, in my daily life, i like to create space. so i will keep doing that. we'll see how god uses it. we'll see how god uses me.

we are frickin' hillarious

so all day while at work i'm on e-mail with meghan and maria. we average about 100 e-mails a day... we've been known to hit 200 every now and then and gmail's beta can't keep us with us...

today megs was missing for most of the morning. maria suggested that maybe if we wrote a story about her she would e-mail us back... what unfolded was what i like to call ode to christopher guest mostly because it was almost a line by line banter between maria and me... we had no idea where it was going, but it ended up being pretty funny.

and that's how i spend my days when i'm working at a computer... in the lonely world of corporate america is good to be reminded that we are not alone...

(w)holistically

i don't have much to say...

for now, my life has been revolving about being a whole person - body, mind, spirit, soul - and living more and more in the reality and the embracing of my humanity...

it's been pretty...

a close second...

i will forever heart him...



however, he's becoming a very close second...

choices in the midst of chaos

something that sucks about being in the midst of existential re-defining is that you have to be functional and live life. i get overwhelmed really easily so the every day decision making process gets skewed - and sadly, i make choices that are not the best for me. so the shame kicks in - "you should know better by now; it's not the first time; we've been here before" - etc. I can give you all the psychological background of why i made the decisions i made, where it's steming out, what i really want in all this... and this is the point where all the headknowledge needs to stop and i, simply put, just need to grieve... grieve... and then some more grieving...

are you serious?!?!?

right now i'm working at the offices of the secretary of state of colorado. apparently i'm their database wiz... go figure... i would like to thank the years of oracle at willow creek... no, seriously, it's pretty funny that they all think i'm this kick ass person on databases - i just play around and see what happens... is that too hard to do? as my friend megs says, "you too can look up shit in google!". it gets even weirder because my supervisor is out sick today, so my mandate today is to look after her very slow inbox and keep up with that as well as work on a project where i've done all i could and now i'm waiting for someone to give me administrator access to do the next step. that's right, i've becomed a traditional government worker who is getting paid for not doing much!

i'm still in a weird funk - i went to bed last night at 9:30pm and woke up today at 7:30 am (don't have to be at work until 8:30 and it's only a 20 minutes walk). i'm hitting the reality once again of what it looks like to be re-parented, the role others have in it, the role i have in it, and the role that god has in it. it just makes me want to sleep more and more... denial or exhaustion, not quite sure which one. and i'm ok being in that reality. i'm quite functional - just a little on hermit mode... let's see what happens this saturday when there's a bunch of people coming over to dinner and then going out to help out and celebrate my friend terence in his manager debut at mynt... hopefully i won't be at the place of "too many people... must hide..."

in the midst of despair...

i think i'm at the beginning of yet another existential crisis...

i'm not quite sure what's going on whithin me. it's hard to explain to someone else what's going on with you when you're not quite sure yourself.

all i know is that the person of the trinity that is connecting with me right now is the spirit. who came up with that? the spirit. the father has a personal form, so does jesus. they are more tangible. how in the world do you connect with "a spirit"?

yet this is the one that is capturing me.

maybe it is the empowering. maybe it is knowing that it is the spirit that resides in my being. maybe it is that through the spirit i'm able to share in the divine nature. i'm not quite sure... and then there's the random picture of this beautiful breeze-like form that sorrounds and embraces me at the same time that it is inside of me and oozes through my pores.

i don't know what it all means, and this picture soothes me in the midst of unexplicable anxiety and the lack of tangible comfort.

i'll take it and run...

ps - on a lighter note, this picture goes out to someone very special,you know who you are!!!

really random...

so was this weekend.

from sheralee's "I'VE CREATED A MONSTA!", to tim's roasting the bigest marshmallow in recorded history, to stewie's "so you've been working on that novel for three years now, huh? is the protagonist compelling?" and so on... this weekend was random and fun. i got to meet new people, see old faces, know a little more about the people i know... worlds colliding is always random and disturbing. this one was also fun.

this weekend also reminded me that in the end it's all about jesus. there's nothing i can do that can separate me from god, the trinity, jesus, father, spirit, whichever is connecting with you right now... and there's nothing that she wants more than being with me. and this is life to the full (to the max, if you will...). this is the way i was meant to live. everything else (though practical and necessary) suddenly become less important in the greater scheme of life and abiding becomes reality.

sometimes i feel like i live a simplistic life in the face of the complexity around me. yet my gut tells me that this is were i need to be - that there's nowhere else or nothing else that will satisfy. this simplicity is not easy - it's probably one of the hardest ways to be.

i can't live any other way. abiding is my lifeline. everything flows from there.

at least for now...

more random things to happen...

so monday night was random...

tuesday we went out to dinner with my roommate sharon's aunt who is in town for work and just got a job offer, so she might be moving to denver... how random is it that it is the english girl that might have family in town??!?! love it.

today our friend erik a.k.a. booty will come to town for the retreat, as well as his friend beth, who i think i knew through impact. we're going out tonight for a little kara-o-ke but most importantly, an early bedtime!

then tomorrow kristen gets in to town as well as sheralee's friend linda and we'll go for dinner at the cherry cricket which i've never been too... there are many plans as to what will happen after that... maybe$3 mojitos, more kara-o-ke, or an early night... we'll see...

friday my friend kristin from my old starbucks in kildeer is coming over with her twin sister. we'll all meet at the panera on 13th and grant (a.k.a. as my backyard basically) including mark and jackie and then we'll head for our rci...

megs refered to last spring's retreat as "the most random retreat ever"... this my friends will be a second close...

can't wait!!

also can't wait til next tuesday night when i'll truly be able to collapse!

i am miranda!

last night i had a fun random night...

megs, maria, sara and i went to club evolution here in denver. they not only have $5 martinis but they do $5 manis all at the same time!!

imagine this: the place is beautiful - exposed brick, hardwood floors, great view of the city - four beautiful women are holding a cosmo in one hand and the other one is either stretched out for a mani, or holding a cigarette, or preparing to call someone, as conversation and laughter flourishes...



exactly.

then we proceded to the very important conversation of who's who. meghan claimed charlotte - we agreed. then i said i was miranda - we all agreed as well. we still don't know who carrie and samantha are in this scenario, mostly because both sara and maria wanted to be either one of them at specific moments... and we're ok with the ambiguity...

are my nails fabulous this morning? not really... they were $5 manicures

do i want to do this frequently? hell no! being at work on tuesday after a late monday night is kicking my ass...

do i want to do this again? absolutely! random fun girl night with friends whose conversations go from the silly to the deep and being actively seeking and finding the beauty of those that were serving us and them responding to our receptiveness of them... don't care what anyone says, that is priceless.

ps - just got this from maria... pretty

sometimes i feel trapped in the twilight zone...

am i living in denial?

am i responding to my reality?

is it ok that my reality differs from those around me?

it has to be ok...

is my idealism getting the best of me?

maybe.

i don't know how to be any different.

damn gre!

so i'm studying for the gre because i want to get a phd in theology, philosophy, and culture... does anybody else sees the contradiction in taking a highly objective test in order to get accepted into a program that is highly subjective and based on discussions?

this is for meghan

who gets her terror alert as told by the sesame street characters

You Are Gonzo the Great

"Is something burning in here? Oh, it's just me." You're a total nutball who will do anything for attention. The first to take a dare, you'll pull almost any stunt. You're one weird looking creature, but your chickens don't mind!

The Muppet Personality Test

and credit goes to drew for having this on his blog.

i've sucumbed

my space

i'm here

i've been here all along

i never left

i can't make choices for you

i can hope

and wait

in the meantime

i'm here

sweet ass job!

so i'm done with the construction company and now i'm a receptionist at a company which i'm not quite sure is their purpose/goal in life. there are about 6 phone calls a day and no clients walk in. what do i do all day, you ask? well, i read whatever i want (i finished trinity and the kingdom yesterday and brought with me el sabor del tiempo and backgrounds on early christianity today) as well as surf the net - and i get paid for this... it's downtown, i get to walk to and from work with maria everyday and i have space for myself... definetely a breather from the past two weeks.

odd the weird places you start finding yourself again...

thoughts on belovedness.

my friend nickwas teaching the other night and he mentioned something along the lines of living "from" and "towards" belovedness.

fancy word, huh? not really. when it comes down to it, it is the core of who we are as individuals and as humans...

it is knowing what our true identity is - the beloved child of god created in her image. and at first glance it might look like you need to be living in either one or the other. this might be true at some points of our lives.

what i've found in my experience - both limited (i'm only 28) and expansive (i'm not your average 28 year old) - is that this movement is a beautiful dance where both are sustained by each other and one cannot happen without the other.

i've been part of many conversations where my lingering thought is "have we missed belovedness? have we missed the core reality of who we are?" then i'm gracefully reminded that we all have different perceptions, and sadly, sometimes we miss it, sometimes i miss it.

i statements from now on...

i get caught up in the "little" nuances of life - which when you're in the midst of not so little. "will if figure out my sexuality stuff?" "will my abandonment issues keep spinning me?" "why does it feel like everything is so overwhelming it might kill me?" etc. etc. etc.

here's the true reality - here's the simplicity of it all - when it comes down to the core issue of life, it is god in me, the divine in me and the potential of me living out of that core that truly matters - my willingness to surrender to god gives me the freedom to be who i am. that i am loved by the eternal relational being is the truest version of who i am.

here's where the beautiful dance comes in. i need to be moving towards that core, towards that reality so that i can live from that place. i need to live from that place in order to be moving towards that place. then and only then will i be able to love myself, love others, love god.

i'm not saying it has to be perfect - plenty of times i've stepped on my partner's toes while dancing - but the flow and the catching the rhythm is what makes it beautiful, what makes it true.

so, yes, at times i miss belovedness. and i don't know how to live without it. i need to be moving towards and from it. constantly. flowing. gracefully. clumsyly. beautifully.

finding a routine

i've been working for a week now at a construction company as a receptionist - the actual receptionist just got married. i went from creating my own schedule an hanging out with myself, god, and my friends whenever i pleased to 11-hour long days... 2 for commuting in the bus, 8 hours of work, and the lunch hour. i'm exhausted. i know this is the life that most people lead, and changing so drastically overnight has done something in me. the job itself is pretty dumb - and i get to e-mail maria and megs most of the time. and i spend the whole day doing something that i'm not passionate about, so that fries me.

and it numbs me.

i feel really disconnected. i don't think i've learned the art of staying in touch with my soul and dealing with the realities of life.

i take that back. i think i do know. my soul and my body can't take 40 hour weeks. i don't have the capacity. it drains me. it kills me, yet this is the reality i'm in now and i need to adjust in some fashion.

maybe i'm speaking out of the shock of this week. maybe once i find a routine that fits this rhythm i'll be able to connect with myself.

for now, it's killing me... and i can't seem to find rest.

idealism and cynicism

my friend nick wrote a series of articles: ON EMERGENCE, PARTS 1, 2, AND 3. through them he speaks to the notions of the future of the church, the reality of the church, the part that god plays in it, the part that we play in it, among other things. he points out the relationship between idealism and cynicism - and i can only claim that this resonates way too well within me.

for years cynicism, and i'll add contempt and self-deprecation, were my drugs of choice. and for a great chunk of those years they were my shield, my coping mechanism, i would not be here today if it weren't for their at-the-time saving grace. no one taught me how to truly be myself, so in the process slamming on others and myself was the best way to go through life and not get hurt. and it worked too, holy shit, did it work...

a few years ago the reality of this self-destructive pattern sunk in. i had a choice. i could keep living out of that place or i could say, "thank you and good bye." i consciously chose the latter, which just led to a transformational process of daily choosing the latter, and at times (of course still today!) choosing the former. and even when i choose what for years was the "default", whether consciously or unconsciously, the turn around is quite simple because i know that's not who i want to be. notice how i use the word "simple", not "easy".

at that time i got in touch with my idealistic self as well. the reason why so many boundaries and shields were up was because there's a beautiful idealistic little girl in me, who believes in people, who believes in hope, who believes in the trinity - and when the belief was threatened or at times shattered stuffing it all away seems like the safest choice.

i can't do that anymore. believe me, i've tried. everytime i try to "protect" my soul jumps out and says, "not anymore - because that's not who you are."

in a world were cynicism, blameshifting, and all those "power tools" are the norm, now i feel alone. i've faced this question many times, and in the past few days, it's been louder and louder - will i be ok if it is just god and me from now on? and my gut screams "YES!" there's no doubt within me. and then life happens, and you feel like you're the only one living like this, and push comes to shoves and i wonder, "would i really be ok if it's just god and me." right now the person of the trinity that makes the most sense to me is jesus, so at the top of my lungs i'm screaming, "jesus be there! i'm in!"

i believe in a world where god is loving every single person on the face of the earth - me, the homeless at the shelter a few blocks away from me, george w. bush, saddam hussein, bin ladin - loving us all the same. i believe in the human capacity of experiencing that love and once that happens having no choice but to acknowledge where it came from and then having the choice of living out of that LOVE or ignoring it and going about like nothing had happened. i believe in the necessity of others in my life to be god's face for me, to lovingly reflect to me what they see in me, who they see in me, and to show me where god is in me. i believe that i am that to other people. i believe that you can be madly in love with god. i am. i believe that every circumstance in our lives can be used for the furthering of THE relationship. i believe that if every individual was intentional about being in god the possibilities for our lives would be endless.

the possibilities for our lives, for our communities, for our churches, for our countries, for our CHURCH, for the world, are endless.

maybe i'm being to simplistic and naive. but when the complications of life are in our faces, when the shit hits the fan, i believe it all goes back to the core of "do i KNOW that i am loved by god?" if i'm living out of that place, i can only be love to others.

as i write this tears are flowing, no end in sight. i'm done with god's name being bastardized. i'm done with the petty discussions and grievances. all i know is that i truly, truly, truly just want to be in him, in constant communion. and my "idealism" leads me to believe that deep down that's what humanity wants. it might take different forms yet that's the core. and i'm done being angry for no real reason, i'm done pointing fingers, i'm done with making the problem someone else's.

this is how i chose to live, even if at times it really feels like it's just god and me. i can only hope and trust that others will meet me there.

trinity, i will be ok if it's just you and me.

oh, the tension.

i'm starting to feel the financial strain of not having a job. it's not critical, yet there's a constant reminder. and there's only so much i can do. i can't obsess over it. i am taking the appropriate steps/responsibilities that would move me in that direction. i'm also reminded of the important things in life - living in surrender and dependance, living immersed in the love of the one and only, and knowing that this is the reality that matters. i just wish that the world around me would understand these priorities and would respect them. i guess that's part of the whole "living in this world but not of it." i'm so value driven that if it isn't connected to my values, it really doesn't matter to me or i simply don't care. and right now my value is to be in communion with the three-in-one. that's all that really matters.

have i mentioned that i heart him?!?!?

"Do you think if we all got together and pulled this down, democracy would flourish in Hollywood?" -- host Jon Stewart, pointing to a tall Oscar statue behind him.

facing yourself.

it's one of the hardest things to do... when the ugly and the beautiful meet each other and coexist without trying to outdo each other... it's beautiful and hard to stay in. now, if only i let jesus hang out for a little longer...

in a funk

i guess that's it. i'm in a funk.

random encounters

i've only been in denver for eight months, and the peeps in this picture (all of them i met working at starbucks in denver except for jim) are all amazing...

it's the little things in life, i tell ya.

embracing new realities

sometimes life doesn't turn out the way you plan it.

it is interesting to note that you had some desires and expectations after the fact of them not being met. it leaves you feeling naked, vulnerable, and abandoned. sort of "adam and eve's fig leaves" if you will...

that's when you have a choice - you can either moan and groan about how unfair life is and take the oh so well traveled and known victim route, or you can embrace your new reality. the first one is my default. the second one gets easier and easier with time - still hard nonetheless.

so i've been embracing my new reality - in the past couple of months life has done a 180 turn on me. in the shock of it, i felt the victimization. today was a clear cut moment in embracing this new part.

enter the trinity.

well, not really "enter". it's always been there.

enter my awareness of the trinity.

there's no way i can accept the trinity's love and embrace if i don't accept, love, and embrace myself. in the midst of the chaos the water are settling, the mud and pebbles are visible and not as fierce as when the current swipes them away. there's awakened desire and the feeling of living in the first point of view, not vicariously.

it does feel like i'm a baby learning to walk all over again... baby steps... baby steps... fully knowing that i will fall flat on my face, maybe scrape my knee, definitely a little more crying... and i will get up and try again.

i guess this is what we call full on grieving and the glimmer of hope is finally visible - like a good friend of mine calls it, the "rocket fuel".

HOLY HELL!!!

we've been having midwestern weather...

today the low was -1. if i wanted midwestern weather i would've stayed there... nonetheless, the sun was shining today and at night i walked all of four blocks to megs place and back... i did have like three layers on me, yet i was able to walk in it...

i don't like the cold. i'm ready for spring/summer.

just had to put that out there :-)

funny.

in my addiction to google news, i read this today:

"the formal search for the award-winning show dog named vivi, who bolted from her cage wednesday at kennedy airport, was officially called off at midday today."

what?!?!? i'm a dog?!?!? i was lost?!??! who knew...

he is the love of my life...

he is, he is...




i read this early today on google news.

"jon stewart tackled the cheney topic on his comedy central show, saying cheney's shooting made whittington the first person shot by a sitting vice president since alexander hamilton. "hamilton, of course, shot in a duel with aaron burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering. whittington? mistaken for a bird."

i heart jon stewart.

i'm wearing slacks and suits...

it's probably a picture of me not many have even concieved...

yes, i'm back doing office work.

and this time i need to dress the part.

and if i'm getting paid decent $$ to update my blog, then so be it!

i love e-mailing my friends throghout the day, and it makes me look busy
:-D

for now, carry on with the office work.

let's see how long til i get bored (again!)

28

i finished my last post about an hour and a half ago - and for whatever reason decided to read all my entries in my blog. the past year and a half have been a roller coaster!!!

i love that it is documented. i can go through it and remember especific moments, emotions, realizations.

i turn 28 today.

the year of 27 was a healing year. a year of realizations. a season in there qualifies as numb. the end-tail was hopeful and re-discovering, re-defining.

i'm looking forward to a year of abiding. a year of crying out loud "nothing compares to the greatness of knowing you lord." a year of more immersing in the trinity. a year of growth. a year of wholeness.

happy birthday to me.

the little glimpses.

this weekend we had the radius-team retreat - designed for those of us that have committed to radius for this 2-0-5/2-0-6 year (thanks jibjab!) we went away to breckenridge, all 20 of us, well 21 with baby hayden!

it was a time of sitting down and relaxing for me. it was a time of remembering.

about 8 months ago i picked up and left what was my life in chicago and moved to denver. what seemed like a radical, out of nowhere move was really well founded. and that was what i was reminded of...

i was reminded of all the little glimpses of possibility. i was reminded of all the what if's... i was reminded of how i was not and stil i'm not in a place of being a pioneer and leading the charge in the intentionality of transformation and growing deeper in love with the trinity. i was reminded of my conscious choice of wanting to be immersed in a community that although i knew it was not "perfect" by our regular standards, everyone involved is committed to these deep roots of love. i knew that we would all fall flat on our faces and hurt each other along the way as we figured it out, but we are all in it and committed. i was reminded of how this is the true meaning of "perfection".

i was reminded of my story and how it ties in with the bigger radius story. no matter how much longer i'm here - 3 months, a year, five years, the rest of my life - my story is connected with the radius story, with the stories of everyone else here. the intersection is real and there's no "turning back" - not that i want there to be one. and i was reminded of how about 3 years ago, in the midst of figuring out next steps and just plain getting to know other people, i happened to spend a weekend with about 10 other crazy people brainstorming ideas and thoughts that miraculously became the foundation of what i live out today. that was the weekend when ideologically i became tied to our experimental church. little did i know, as i was reminded by my friend sara today, that i would live in denver living all of this out.

all these little glimpses were flooded into my mind this weekend, once again painting a comprehensive picture - a picture that rocks my guts and leaves me with this reality: i don't know how to do life any other way.

such a random day!

today was my first day out walking around town after being sick. it was gorgeous out!

i ran some errands, and then went to starbucks to clean up my locker, pick up my tips, hand in my keys... it was fun and sad, all at the same time. the peeps that were working at the time are great, i get along with all of them, so it was pretty much like old times, except that i didn't have an apron on.

and "my boyfriend" was there. ok, little explanation. about a week ago this guy ryan from the curtis store called our store asking to speak to a manager. i was not available at the time so he left a message. when i came back amber and enrique both told me to call. usually when someone from another store calls is because they just ran out of something. so i said, "if they really want something, they'll call back. i don't need to." so they started kidding around saying that he sounded cute and that he really needed to talk to me - blah, blah, blah... it was sort of funny. a time later i send enrique on his break. the phone rings and amber picks up and says, "it's ryan from curtis". so i pick up the phone, all nice and conversational, and this is what i hear from the other line.

"how are you guys doing?"

me - "we're doing well. what's going on with you guys?"

"not much. i was wondering if you would like to go out with me sometime..."

me - "i don't even know who you are..."

At that point the person on the other line starts laughing. it was enrique from the phone in the back; amber was in it too... it was pretty funny... we laugh it off, enrique comes back from his break, it's all good...

not even 10 minutes later the phone rings again. amber picks up again and says, "it's the joke of the day, ryan from curtis." i look at enrique who's standing next to me, who gives me a look of, "i'm right here!" so we all look at each other and just start laughing. amber and enrique are both making "ooh-ing" noises... i pick up the phone.

me - "this is vivian"

"hey, this is ryan from curtis. i was wondering if you guys had any 5's you could spare..."

as soon as i hang up the phone, i look at amber and enrique... "they're out of $5's!!!" who's out of $5's?!?!? that bastard is after my money! this relationship will never work if that's all he's after..." so we start laughing...

20 minutes later ryan from curtis walks in... he's really cute as in "pretty" cute. snowboarding pink cheeks, about 6'2'', blonde, light eyes, he is pretty cute. i give him the money, my friends are giving me the eye, we're about to burst out laughing but we don't want to because poor ryan from curtis has no clue... as soon as he walked out of the store (there was no one else in the store at the time) i start yelling, "you bastard!!! i love you, i gave you all, and you're only after my money. that's it, we're through!!!" and "storm off" in high drama. it was so funny, we're all laughing, so the poor guy got labeled as my boyfriend.

this brings us to today.

i'm having coffee with my friend jackie from chicago (so fun! we both live in the same state now!) and all of the sudden ryan from curtis walks in... enrique and i look at each other and start laughing! turns out he picked up a shift at the store so he was going to be working with enrique and amber for the next couple of hours!! it was way too funny... so every 10 minutes or so as enrique is doing lobby checks he comes over to my table with updates about the guy that he keeps learning as they are working together. at some point, he comes over and tells me, "he's not even 21!" to which i replied, "and he's also a liar!! he never told me that!!"

it was just funny. at least for us.

i'll miss those peeps at that store. we had fun!

so in the randomness of the day, i had coffee with my friend jackie as i mentioned. it was so cool. we both used to work together at willow way back in the day and have all this random people in common... people that no one else out here know about - so that was fun :-D

then i hung out with sheralee. we went to the store and bought stuff to make fajitas and guacamole and salsa from scratch! so good!! jim and megs ended up joining us... i love that out of nowhere i ended up cooking for my friends... they were all here having dinner with me and then we watched lost - exept for megs... apparently the show bores her to death... megs... seriously, what's going on? ;-) by the way, she just bought an old school nintendo with a bunch of games... guess who might have to kick someone's ass playing the original super mario bros.?!?!?! i can't wait!!

anyways, a fun random day of being unemployed... i wish these could come more often...

so much phlegm...

yes, i know that's gross. and yes, those were the past four days of my life.

i got super sick. i had no idea of my bronchial phlegmatic capacity. at a point, i just had to be impressed.

my body hurt, everytime i swallowed my throat felt like it was being opened in two.

i was sick.

i'm finally on the other side. a little stuffed up still, but nothing like the past four days. i don't want those ever again.

to add insult to injury, i got my period in the midst of all that. which wouldn't be that bad except that i get the worst cramps known in humanity. so on saturday my body had antibiotics, advil, benadryl, vick's formula 44 expectorant (by which i swear now it's so frickin' good), and vioxx, the only thing that will take my cramps away. don't forget the vick's vapor rub all over my chest so i could breath... in legal terms, i was high.

i think it's kind of funny that saturday was my last shift at the 'bucks and i had to call in sick... way to go out with a bang!

i start with the temp agency on the first. i already have a job lined up from the 8th til the 15th.

i have a week and a half off. hopefully i won't get sick again. and hopefully i can find some rest and spend some quality time with god. that's all i want.

24

about two years ago some of my friends from chicago got me hooked on the show 24. maybe "hooked" is too soft of a word... they also introduced me to tivo... what was life before tivo? i can't recall...

well, for half of season three and the whole season four we would meet at their place and watch it. every monday night. it was commitment. it was beautiful.

season five started last night. HOLY CRAP!!!! so much happened in the first 20 minutes - regulars are all dead or injured or escaping (not giving away who in case you haven't seen it)!!!! and jack is back from the dead!!!

i was watching all of this by myself at about two thirty in the morning last night (thanks tivo!) - it made me miss my friends :-(

we would scream together, identify plot lines together, laugh, poke fun at (mostly chloe!)...

so last night they got together and watched it. wished i could've been there...

miss you guys!

so that's why at times i feel like a fish out of water...

my friend drew has this poll on his blog. here's how i came out...

Your Political Profile

Overall: 10% Conservative, 90% Liberal

Social Issues: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Personal Responsibility: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Fiscal Issues: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Ethics: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Defense and Crime: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

How Liberal / Conservative Are You?

:-D

there's a little of me!

click on the link and see what you come out as!

back "home"

or more like "homebase".

talk about displacement.

talk about abandonment.

jesus, you're bigger.

i'm apprehensive.

i'm dependent.

dependent.

right now, i don't know

another way to be.

bienvenido a miami

day 2 in miami.

i love my sister. i love my brother in law.

we did christmas, or as known in the spanish speaking world, three kings last night. it's fun giving and recieving gifts from people that care about you and you care about them!

and my sister and i once again came to the realization that if we weren't sisters, we would do whatever we could to be each other's friend - i have no concept of what not getting along with your sister looks like - and i'm thankful.

today has been a day of rest. i basically went non-stop in chicago, which was wonderful and draining, mostly wonderful, went non-stop in puerto rico, which was wonderful and draining, mostly draining, so a day of doing nothing at the heath's in miami is so ok!

well, not nothing. i talked on the phone with my friend sara for about an hour. it didn't feel like an hour!! we are intentional about meeting with each other at least once a week. it's been three weeks! and our worlds have been a little upside down... i miss her. even though our friendship is a relatively "new" one, it feels like it's been there all along.

more on miami later as it unfolds...

you can talk the talk...

i've been talking about quitting starbucks for a long time. the schedule sucks ass and the pay not great. props given were they're due: it's a great company to work for, the perks and benefits are great, the people i worked with at both stores are amazing, the interaction with the customers was for the most part fun, and the low/non-committal aspect of it was beautiful. i went in, did my job, walked out, no "homework".

this morning i quit. my official last day is january 22nd. the outside factor that pushed my decision (and i need to keep reminding myself it was "my decision") is that one of my roommates is moving out so everything that was split down to 1/3 is now 1/2. i love my apartment and the building and don't want to move out, so starting next monday two more weeks of starbucks time, a week off for transition (and my birthday) and then off to temping.

i'm sad. that took me mostly by surprise. i'm really sad. we can talk about the longrun later. right now i'm sad.

i've been gone on "vacation" for a week and a half and it feels like 85% of my world has changed. (arbitrary number)

high hopes for 2006... high hopes...

w.a.'s class of '95!! woohoo!!

that's right, i just got back from my 10 year high school reunion... christmas time seemed better for people since so many of us live in the u.s.

this thing was its very own filter... the people that came were the ones who really wanted to be there and the ones that didn't, we were told by some of the people that stay in touch with them, didn't because they didn't want to see some people. i'd rather be with people that want to be there, so in that sense it was perfect!

so the almost 30ish people that were there (graduating class of 42) made it fun! it's like we just picked up from where we left off, adding the "where are you now" factor. some people are lawyers... who knew?!?! some of the liberals are now conservatives and vice-versa, many differences along the way, yet we all bonded and made what could've been a potentially painful disaster a huge success!

i'm really sleepy. i'm going to bed now. i sort of feel like i had a little piece of home tonight.

the re-birth of the mystic

i feel like a rock star.

i'm in the second of a three phase trip. Spent a few days in Chicago, right now i'm in puerto rico, where it is a balmy 82 degrees, and next week i leave to miami. i think i'm more of a shakira rock star - who hires a history professor to teach her about the places she tours - than a britney spears, who hired kevin federline...

the 3 days i spent in chicago are probably the most intense days i've had in my short life. they were great and i'm exhausted!

here's the nutshell - i had an eye-opening moment where all the intuitions inside of me were named... i've been numb. for way too long. and i had no idea how to deal with it, which made me number. made me shut down more.

seeing the faces of some friends reminded me that's not who i truly am. and almost like an act of "magic" the mystic in me resurfaced, was re-born. i've experienced god in many ways in such a short period of time, unlike the past 6 months were i just trusted he was there even in the absence of smoke signals from afar. now the biggest task is ahead of me - re-learning to love myself.

god was faithful and showed up - i pray i choose to pull through.

it's the little things in life...

I use this phrase a lot, specially at work.

Little things like - someone gave us a $5 tip, the shift before my closing shift did some of the pre-closing stuff, no one orders eggnog lattes for about 3 hrs... you know, the such.

and then there are other little things in life that open your eyes to new visions and/or old reminders.

Recently I was reminded that even though I say that I trust God with everything, there are some areas in my life that I really don't trust him with and I'd rather take matters into my own hands. I was reminded that I am a full blown human being and the beauty and responsibilities that go along with that. I've been reminded that I do have choices - and no matter how trivial those choices are - they speak of deeper desires and bring with them greater repercussions. I was reminded of some desires... I've been reminded of my expectations... I've been reminded of what it means to surrender all to God.

It's the little things in life, I tell ya.

just some thoughts...

it's a delicate balance the idea of wanting your space and wanting people around you...

it's that whole being abandoned/being crushed piece.

i think i understand it...

i wish i didn't have to explain it to others...

i wish they would understand that even though i enjoy my space i also like to be pursued.

i am human after all.

hayden elisabeth worley

born friday, oct. 21st at 6pm
7lbs .08oz 20" long

mommy sara, daddy dave, and baby hayden are all doing great!

i've been tagged?!?!?!

so my friend eve "blog-tagged" me. i'm not quite sure how this works, but i assume i get to answer the question that she tagged me with, so here it goes:

List five songs that you are currently loving. It doesn't matter what genre they are from, whether they have words, or even if they're any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying right now. Post these instructions, the artists, and the songs in your blog. Then tag five other friends to see what they're listening to.

"i have a dream" - abba
"inolvidable" - shakira
"al andar" - abba
"here with me" - sara brightman
'that i would be good" - alanis morisette

and i'm not tagging anyone else :-D


in other happenings - i'm not supposed to know that the people at the local seminary have contacted my references and i'm one of four top candidates!!! so, since i'm not supposed to know, i'm not sharing this information with you ;-D

also - i had my first voice lesson today in about 20 years! it was extremely scary, i was overly self-concious, and i loved every minute of it. something is waking up in my soul. not quite sure what it is, but i feel it.

ok, i'm done... on with your life :-D

do i know you from somewhere?!?

so now on almost a daily basis i get the "why do you look so familiar? do i know you from somewhere?" and i say, "i work at the starbucks across the tabor center." "oh, that's where i know you from, nice to meet you!"

SURREAL!!!

is there such a thing as a "starbucks celebrity"?

weird.

back in colorado

i got back sunday night. i was crying like a baby when i left. i miss my sister very much.

i also miss being able to speak english and/or spanish and being understood no matter where i was at. i realized that i do sort of make a subtle effort in order to speak just english all the time. weird.

i realized that my longing for a place called "home" is ridiculously huge. and that's what miami tangibly felt like. i also am very aware that this is a cry to reside in the trinity and not on superficial life. i'm praying the trinity becomes more and more tangible.

here's to hoping...

in other events, i had an interview today at a local seminary. it's a part time position that connects high school upperclassmen with seminary education. i'm very excited about this opportunity and the possibilities it brings with it. who knows, maybe the days of cranking lattes are coming to a close and the days of pursuing a ph.d. are just ahead.

i'll keep you posted.


ps - it's officially fall and we have a fireplace... love it!

bienvenido a miami!

last night i landed in miami. my sister's birthday was about two weeks ago, so for about a whole month my brother in law and i have been planning a secret trip to surprise her.

she was surprised.

her reaction went from, "what are you doing here? what the crap? what the crap are you doing here?" and then incesant screaming. it was fun :-D

i'm at their temporary home while they are right now finishing on the longest close for a house ever. earlier today i went with them for the last walk-through. it's perfect for them. it's big enough that if they have even two kids they don't have to look for something bigger and small enough to feel cozy and not overwhelming to take care of. yeay for them!

it's been good to be resting and not doing anything today. i've been working a lot this past week in order to be able to take a mini vacation without a huge paycut.

by the way, miami and southern florida can't be considered part of the continental u.s. it's way more like puerto rico. hot and humid, spanglish everywhere, it's not even remotely close to georgia. i think we should refer to it, to quote my brother in law, as the "northern caribbean". that seems to fit better.

a whole year...

today is the year anniversary of me working at starbucks. i don't know whether to celebrate or bang my head against my brick wall :-D

i didn't know how long i would be working for "the man" when i started. all i knew is that i was done with interviewing with churches and looking for ministry positions. it's been a good healing year.

and now i'm wondering - what's next? i'm done with it, i'm bored, yet it's an easy job and it has amazing health insurance. and it pays the bills. i'm tight in cash, but it pays the bills.

so i would think it is pretty ironic that on the year anniversary i applied for a job in ministry. i sent my resume to a local seminary who has an open part-time position for an interim coordinator for connecting high school upperclassmen to seminary education/development (www.faithtrek.org). It has a great deal of administrative stuff, which i can do but is not my strongest point - but what job doesn't have that part? even shift supervising at the bucks has some administrative stuff happening.

so i'm excited because this sounds like it would bring me life, and i'm scared. i'm scared because it's been almost a year of putting my real self in the line, telling someone that i REALLY want a job, and then wait for their answer. and even though in the past it was me who turned most of them down, there was still some pain in the whole scenario. so i'm very much willingly opening up that can of worms again.

if i get it, i'll be doing starbucks and this. i'd be working a lot! but we're not even there yet.

for now let's celebrate/commemorate/observe the year of commitment to howie and all the big shots at the bucks.

p.s. on a lighter note, here's a sign from central city - a mountain-city-almost-capital of colorado in the 1800's

i'm in picture mode

i met my parents in vegas this summer...



this is me and mom... it's kind of freaky how much we look alike considering that i look more like my dad's side of the family.



that's my mom and my dad at the main reservoir created by the hoover dam



that's me at the hoover dam.



and that's me at the grand canyon.

more pictures

i just found these...

this was two years ago...



and this was almost 25 years ago...



i love my theethy!!! (that's code for sister)

denver

this is the view from our apartment








this is the view from the red rocks stage









and this is us finding shelter from the rain

two days off in a row!!

that's right, i have thursday and friday of this week off!!! it's a very exciting time in life my friends. last week i had saturday and sunday off. without me asking for them. it's very impressive, i say. what to do...

my friend drew.

he lives in chicago.

he went on a trip recently to the astrodome with his friend greg.

he was able to go in and fool around, take some pictures.

they joked about how useless this place was.

not even two weeks later, that's the place that has served as shelter for thousands.

www.edwardapplebee.blogspot.com

pictures speak louder than words.

they call me debbie downer

the last few days i've been sad. and now i'm angry. everything in my path is a "son of a bitch" or a "stupid mother fucker". even the timers at work to let me know that the coffee is expired is a "smf". i've been supporting my mild food addiction through any means i can find. and sleeping like there's no tomorrow.

yes, friends, i'm depressed.

this blog seems to be a continual debbie downer...

why do we humans continually choose to act out of hatred instead of love (myself included)? don't we realize that we hurt those we love along the way? why must we be so selfish and try and secure our own space, our own self? why do we fear being abandoned and/or being crushed?

why do i forget on a regular basis that the trinity is there to be with me in the midst of it all? to nurture me? to transform me? to satisfy my deepest desires?

i'm not shaming myself. i'm really wondering... what is that all about?

why do i want to believe that the trinity is not enough when i know he/she/it/they fully is/are?

have you ever had the feeling that you're trapped and there's no way out? have you ever had that feeling while knowing it's a lie and that you do have a choice?

i got that feeling. and i know i have a choice.

i just don't want to be proactive.

i'd rather feel sorry for myself.

except that gets old pretty quickly and makes me wanna barf.

i'll sleep on it tonight (again!)

ding! done! fired!

it's official... i'm bored!!

i knew that starbucks was only going to do it for so long - i just wasn't expecting it to be now. i don't want to work weekends anymore, i don't want to wake up at the butt-crack of dawn anymore.

this will sound extremely counter who i am, but i'm actually craving a 9-5 brainless job. yet i also want something that is impactful and makes a difference.

i really don't know what i want...

wait, i do. i want to not be concerned about financial income and be able to contribute to society in a myriad of ways. it might take the shape of customer service one week. the next, i could be organizing something for someone. i don't know.

stupid money! always in the way!!

arrested development

probably one of the best shows ever!!!

season one is out on dvd. season two is being shown on installments friday nights on fox (love you tivo!!) and is out sometime this fall. season 3 is starting sometime soon!!!

please go out of your way and watch this show. hillarious!! akward as hell... hillarious.

i've also realized that i don't know much about updating/upkeeping of blogs. this page is looking outdated. oh well.

i'm going camping next weekend. so excited!!

AND there's a puerto rican summer fest next sunday in boulder, which is about half an hour away. guess who's excited?!?! guess who also found a puertorican grocery store nearby?!?! well, nearby if you drive, it's only 20 minutes. it's about an hour extravaganza on the bus. love you, and never again.

bring on the arroz con gandules!!!! so good!!!

like a bad joke...

seven sessions in this traffic school deal (read prior post). i'm halfway through the fourth one when the power goes out... HOLY SHIT!!!! i've wasted two hours of my life in front of the computer and now i might have to start all over again... it is a very painful and dumb experience... but as kharma or providence may have it, when i went back, all the work was saved and i started where i left off... lovely. now, only 3 more sessions to go.

and please, no one use bad theology and tell me that the reason the power went off was because i compared traditional christianity to traffic school... please... don't do it. it REALLY is bad theology.

traffic school

for those of you that didn't know, i got a speeding ticket the last month i was in chicago. so, i had no car, i was driving kochie's and kreg's car, and i was doing apparently 64 m.p.h. on rt.14 in barrington, which is a 45 m.p.h. zone. for the month of may i had to use my passport as my i.d. my friends from work said that i was carrying it around in case i needed to flee the country or drink a beer :-)

so finally i got my act together and started working on this online thing - the dumbest thing ever!!!!! it's the most shameful and fear-based experience ever!!!! (sort of similar to traditional/mainstream christianity :-D

so i'm in the middle of it, wanting for it to be done. here's an example of how dumb it is. they ask you to write the names of five people you love. the next screen shows up with two of those names crossed out while mr. voice over says, "two out of five people die every year in vehicle related accidents - so think about it. two of your loved ones could be dead."

ok, who can say that and keep a straight face?!?! seriously, i hope the guy who did this voice over got paid well, seriously...

ok, i'm back to finishing this stupid thing.

it varies...

today i feel like i'm in over my head. yesterday i was exhausted. the day before everything was fine. there's no real way of telling how everything will feel like from one minute to the next.

i'm still in the midst of the swirl from moving halfway across the country. one moment i think it was the best decision ever and the next minute i'm wondering what the crap did i "just" do.

i've realized what i want to do in life. i want to create beautiful spaces where god's glory and our glory can shine and grow and transform us. now how do i go about to do that in my context is another question/idea that i'm in the midst of figuring out.

i'm doing my best to live out of who i am without looking into what others expect. i do a fairly decent job (i think!) and every now and then i truly do wonder what will others think when i don't do the "expected".

i'm having a hard time communing with the trinity. it's like it is everywhere and nowhere all at the same time. in the meantime i hang on tight.

in case you were wondering, today my roommates and i finished the third season of 24.

right now we're also making our way through the first season of arrested development.

just finished dan allender's book "to be told." almost done with "the mermaid chair". about to start reading "god's politics: why the right gets it wrong and the left doesn't get it."

i want to write. i want to perform. i want to create. i don't seem to have the energy to go about these.

so much desire and all i want to do is sleep.

father, son, spirit - meet me in my dreams.

more of the such

pb, a guy i used to work with at the kildeer starbucks e-mailed me tonight. it took me by surprise just how happy i was to hear from him.

went white water rafting and camping this weekend. love the two of them. i'm an undercover outdoors girl.

will write an essay soon on "carnage of stupidity". dianne, our rafting guide used the phrase and i think it's genius.

don't want to go to bed - yet i'm tired as hell.

i'm afraid if i go to bed i won't be able to explore my soul, which seems to be on life support.

the thought of being intentional with new relationships overwhelms me.

home feels safe.

i'm craving for the trinity to show up and for me to recognize her.

i'm craving to be known - to be loved.

24, adjusting, & the such

so my roommates sharon and jen and i have been settling over the past couple of weeks, getting to know the new surroundings, and adjusting to our new life, which has been so far exciting, fun, hard, and challenging all in the same breath. a block away from our apartment building is charlie brown's and about two blocks away is gov'nors park (restaurant/pubs). they are becoming a friday and/or saturday night tradition.

we've also been watching 24... it's addictive to the point of being sad. we already watched the first season and are halfway through the second one, already wondering what will happen when we have seen them all. nothing better to bond over with your roommates than make-believe terrorism :-)

i'm doing well. spinning every now and then. ok, so more now than then. if you've called me in the past few days and i haven't gotten back to you, sorry. for some reason my phone is overwhelming and i haven't checked my messages.

i love my new apartment. i love that i can go swimming if i want to since we have an indoor pool. i love walking everywhere. denver is quickly growing on me. i miss my friends from chicago. i miss my apartment in barrington. i miss chicago.

it's all good. it's all part of it all.

how are you guys doing? e-mail me, let me know. my computer doesn't seem overwhelming, at least for now :-)

denver!!!!

after two days of driving, we're finally here!!!

as soon as i saw my friend nick tears filled my eyes. i wasn't expecting it. as much as it was so painful to leave my former life it feels so right that i'm here right now.

when we pulled up to our apartment complex, about 10 people from radius, the church plant, were already in our apartment. we were greeted by our friend mark phillips waving to us from our balcony. little did we know that they were cooking pizza in our place and were ready to help us settle. they basically did everything. it was overwhelming in a beautiful way. we virtually had to do anything.

our apartment already feels like home. let's see how the city treats us!

goodbye chicago

the truck is packed and ready to go.

last night i spend it alone at my place. it is officially no longer my home but an empty space.

i'll spend tonight at the moorhouse's and set of to drive tomorrow.

i'll spend today with people that i love.

i've been driving around saying goodbye to the sights and sounds.

i'll miss chi-town.

i'll miss you friends.

grieving? what?

ok, so it's in full blown swing.

it's good and it tears my heart apart.

it's good for me. i'm learning to take every moment one at a time. seriously. i don't really know what tomorrow will look like. i really don't.

one moment at a time.

the apprentice

so kendra won.

this was one that went to the task itself, and in this case i agree with the decision made.

tana's anger got a little sketchy during the live board room... i didn't know what to do with her.

but the biggest congratulations goes to donald trump and the producers of the show for learning from their mistakes. see, an hour long show was more than enough. no more three hour long finales. and please, no more regis phelbin.

more power to kendra playing in a boy's world. bring it on!!

GARAGE SALE!!!

we're selling all our stuff!!!! almost...

come over to our place this saturday and sunday and buy stuff from us. seriously, do so. we need the $$ to pay for gas for the truck.

330 E Russell St. Barrington


ALSO...

next wednesday, may 25th, the peeps at work are throwing a goodbye thing for me. feel free to drop by anytime from 7-9pm at Gianni's, the italian restaurant at the shops of kildeer right across my starbucks in deer park. would love to see you swing by.

only two weeks...

i've been really angry the past few days... now i'm starting to get sad...

it's all part of the grieving process...

i'm alive.

a great week in reality tv!

AMERICAN IDOL

so glad that scott is gone!! truth is that if it would be based on tuesday's performance, anthony should've been the one gone. but simon said it best - he's had more escapes than huddini. now, if we could only switch around some people and bring back nadia instead of anthony, then we would be on for a competition that really would have no losers. here's my "forecast" for the idols...

vonzell - she should win since she's covers the whole persona of "american idol". she might not be the strongest vocalist (though she's great) but she works the stage like no other - she's a diva!! she could work it for a long time as the american idol.

bo - he needs to leave the competition... he's too good to be competing in this thing!

carrie - she will go to the end maybe. she'll become the next shania twain or faith hill - country singer with cross overs every now and then.

anthony - sweetie, you're gone next week.


THE APPRENTICE

talking of people that fall through the cracks... about time craig was gone. i have no idea how he made it so far...

now, two female remain, one from the booksmart and one from the streetsmarts.

we could talk about how this was rigged in order to have one from each team at the end, how it was rigged to have a woman be the next apprentice, etc, etc, etc. let's just celebrate that a woman will be the next apprentice!!

as for a forecast... i don't know, too close to tell. tana has something about her that's assertive and kick ass. kendra has a fire within her. we will definetly need to see next week.

there is a sense of comfort in what is familiar...

and random enough there's a sense of comfort in the unknown, the unexpected.

there's a little adventure and mischieve that adds a sense of wonderment.

even though we wonder what the hell we're doing.

even though i wonder what the hell i'm doing.

yet another instance of just being.

not over-analizing.

not connecting all the dots at once.

just being.

it's freaking may 2nd!!!!

my life as i know it will be over in four weeks...

i don't know what to do with myself.

redefining life

doug scott, a friend who used to work for axis and who is a GENIUS, just got back from traveling the world for a year. he put his memoirs together into a movie that i just saw again tonight.

there's a lot to internalize... it's like you went with him and yet you can't begin to comprehend where he went.

all i know is that i have a new "favorite movie". a movie that makes me want to rediscover my life and redefine who i want to live - all under the scope of love.

more thoughts to come.

when someone you love is loved well.

today i joined my friend beth at a retreat she was having for the coaches and small group leaders she leads. the topic of the retreat was "leaning into love". when she told me about it, i said that i would love to be there and she made the arrangements for it to happen. i know how hard she and her team worked at it and how excited she was that more and more people were showing up...

the day was beautiful and the experience amazing.

at the end of the day, the phrases you heard across the room and directly to beth were along the lines of, "you are the perfect leader for our ministry. god's love for you and your love for god has transformed us. thank you."

now that's powerful.

i met beth about 5 years ago as i was trying to figure out if moving to chicago was what i wanted to do. knowing that she would be moving at the same time that i was made it feel like i already had friends up here. and i wasn't wrong. she and her family have become my "surrogate" family, and for that i'm so grateful.

and one of the best feelings in the world is when you witness someone you love being loved by those she loves and leads.

i'm so thankful i took part of today.

THE SHANIA TWAIN SONG!!!!

re: previous post

"love the way you love me" was the song on the radio as i drove home from the grocery store... i do know almost the whole thing...

and so do you...

random ranting about culture

ok, here's a few things that i'm feeling about tv and the such... very random... you've been forwarned...

AMERICAN IDOL

what the crap is the scott guy still doing there?!?!?!? america, learn to recognize talent and vote for them.... it's almost like i need to vote for everyone BUT the person that sucked... they should change the premise... at least til he's gone, we need to be voting not for the best, but for the person who needs to be casted out... and what's up with vonzell being in the bottom three?!??!!? she is not my favorite AND i agree that every week she gets better, just like nikko, except that we won't be able to see where he could go because america chose to keep someone who gets worst and worst every week. and what's up with nadia being in the bottom three for two weeks in a row?!?! in the words of napoleon, "GOOOOHHH!!! IDIOT!!!!!!"

SHANIA TWAIN

i was driving home from the grocery store last night (thank you moorhouses for your vehicle!) and one of shania's song was on the radio - i really can't remember which one right now. i started singing along... i was impressed at how much of the song i knew by heart. i've never considered myself a shania twain fan. and then it dawned on me: i secretly love shania twain... and so does everyone else!!!! i don't think many people will admit to it. i don't think i still would, just like how i keep telling everyone i don't watch the apprentice anymore because it's dumb but secretly await thursday nights!! but when one of her songs comes up on the radio - everyone in the car will sing along, you will have a difficult time changing the station, both men and women!!! and if you've ever helped plan a wedding - even if you don't really consider it, one of her songs pops into your mind as a possible song to play during it. face it, we all love shania twain and her humble origins in canada as she lost her parents and raised her family basically on her own (thanks E! and VH1!!!)

THE OFFICE - THE SILENT NARRATOR

i LOVE the new show on nbc "the office". the boss is not intentionally an asshole, he just happens to be one! part of the genius is it's documentary style. and i love the documentary style!! from christopher guest to scrubs, where jd is the only one aware of the camera, to arrested development where the narrator has a third point of view and no interaction (LOVE ron howard!) here's the twist of the office. the narrator is the camera... they never say anything - and they are all aware of their presence. from pam saying this week, "oh, would you like for me to repeat the messeages that i told you early for them" as she compicously looks at the camera to the awkardness of well timed silent pauses... the show is pure genius. i was a little apprehensive after the pilot. i thought it was funny but didn't really see the potential of this lasting for seasons... but as a former member of cube farm now i know there's so much more from where that came from... if you haven't seen this show, think of it as the movie office space meeting the show arrested development... pure genius.

I STILL AM IN LOVE WITH JON STEWART!!!!

that's really all i have to say about this one - very intellectually and sexually attracted.

that's all i have for now... i'll keep ranting later...

it just makes sense

i got back from denver yesterday, about 36 hours after i was supposed to. missing a flight by 3 minutes, only flight available next day at 6am, that being delayed for three hours, "el" train delayed as well... seriously, i should've driven home :-D

we found an apartment!! it is official, we're moving may 31st!!! it's extremely exciting and nerve rocking and sad all at the same time. i will miss my friends here, i will miss barrington (not their police department, they suck!!!), i will miss chicago. did i mention my friends?

the best part of it all is that in the midst of the tornado (to use this past weekend's analogy) there's so much peace. this next steps feels good. it just makes sense.

i can't describe it. it just does.

so, the next 8 weeks are all about being with my friends!!!

drained.

sometimes it feels like the world is crashing on top of you and you have no choice but to let it fall and feel the weight. well, you might have the choice but not the energy. i recieved some news that pierced my heart. i'm looking forward to the train and plane ride as i go to denver tomorrow. i might just be that person that comes undone. that person that everyone stares at but no one dares ask what's going on. i'll be ok. i'm on the lookout for jesus to show up.

sometimes it feels like the world is crashing on top of you and you have no choice but to let it fall and feel the weight. you might have the choice but not the energy. i recieved some news that pierced my heart. i'm looking forward to the train and plane ride as i go to denver tomorrow. i might just be that person that comes undone. that person that everyone stares at but no one dares ask what's going on. i'll be ok. i'm on the lookout for jesus to show up.

car is no more.

i gave it to c.a.r.s. at willow creek. i cried. i took ten pictures of it. no, really, i took ten pictures of it.

i had a horrible interaction with the barrington police department who were not willing to give me a 16 hour extension on the towing of my car from the streets. seriously, who has the balls to not be that compassionate? i usually don't go to this place, but i think that if we were not in a rental situation or my last name would've been jones instead of berrios-torres, there would have been no problem with my car on the road. sad.

it looks like in order to be able to work i'm going to have to transfer to the starbucks in downtown barrington. now i'm grieving my friends at my starbucks. what i thought was going to be a two month before good bye might be a week.

grieving. no fun.

ps - c.a.r.s. is not able to lend me a car because of insurance. i figured out that much. it still sucks for me.

inviting the world into possibility

if it's truly about relationality, and i believe life is, then ben zander is my best friend.

here's the possibility i would love to invite people into.

i'm thinking of donating my car to c.a.r.s., a ministry at willow creek where they repair cars and give them to families who need them. if they have the energy and funding to fix it, more power to them. if they want to use the parts for other cars, awesome. it makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside to know that what is a piece of crap to me could actually solve many problems for someone else... call it car "reincarnation" of some sort.

and from this i would get my car towed from the street without having to pay for it and a nice write off for this year's taxes and i don't have to deal with someone to sell the car to, how much they want to pay, how much it's worth, etc. quite frankly, i don't have the energy for it and i'm downright clueless in these matters.

here's the second part of the possibility i would love to dwell in. c.a.r.s. could lend me or rent me at a very low cost a car for the next two months - in the meantime while i move to denver. before moving i would return the car. i don't know if they do that, but that's what i would love to happen.

once i get to denver i'll be in the downtown area and hopefully within walking distance from work (give it up for starbucks in every corner of populated u.s.). there's public transportation, all the people that i know that live out there are in the same area and i won't technically need a car. that it would be nice to have one, why yes of course. but we'll deal with that one over there.

so, if you pray about this sort of stuff, remember me in the next few days or so. if you are in the process of trying to figure out what god's providence is all about, then mention it when you talk to the trinity. if you believe in kharma, wish that this would be mine. and you can join me as i surrender my desires to the god who loves me more than i could ever comprehend.

i soon need to go away for a full day, maybe an overnight, and get away from this reality to enter the deeper reality. thank you trinity for the deeper reality and thank you matrix for the metaphore.

some things don't resurrect...

but that doesn't mean we don't live in the resurrection.

to celebrate good friday, me and my friend meghan have this "tradition" of going down to wrigleyville and having cheap great food and $5 martinis. on our way back from the city, my car started making this very awful noise. saturday morning, as i'm pulling out of my driveway to go to work, the sound got way too intense so i asked my roommate jen to take me to work. as i'm trying to pull the car into the parking lot my car decides that it's not going anywhere anymore.

i told my friends at work and my friend sean helped me name the sound - it was a "flapping" sound. my friend rich from work came over to look at my car and - to make it short - he pronounced it dead on sunday, march 27th, at about 1pm. my car of 10 years is no more.

here's the conundrum of emotions...

the practical aspect of it all - the "oh my gosh, i don't have a car!" piece that would be so logical to confront - not there... i'm living day by day and after a 4th winter in a row when my car brakes down, suddenly the finding a ride doesn't seem overwhelming - still a bitch, not overwhelming.

i also am very aware that it is just a car. yes, there's money involved and all that jazz - but that in itself, not daunting.

the piece that's messing with me is that this has been my car for 10 YEARS!!!! my parents gave me this car my first year of college. in this car i have 6 years of college memories worth, the many productions it transported props for, the many times i napped in it or changed in it or had a meal in it because i was on the go. the many laughters of my friends from college - some who i still talk to and some who i don't. it's almost as if their memory would be vanished with the vehicle. there were my first years of "official" ministry in that car. the many leader's meeting, the many giving rides to students, the many great conversations had with the students, the many times i saw them get a new glimpse of god while going somewhere, the many tough and hard conversations with many people... there was life with my friends from puerto rico - road trips of 2 hours and us getting ready early in the morning, all the beach trips, all the guys i've pseudo-dated... the actual saving of $$$$ so i could ship my car from puerto rico to algonquin, il... the past four years in illinois - in many ways my car at the beginning and not so early on served as a refuge of a familiar place in the midst of different sorroundings... and then... the memories started all over again... the many friends from church and school/seminary... driving around roseville, mn with my friend beth wondering why so many houses had such huge flags, random sundays with my friend meghan, skipping chapel in order to go to caribou, random trips to the city, to the "beach" in evanston, in wilmette, in st. joseph, mi, taking radom retreats in exciting naperville - lending my car to friends when they needed a larger vehicle - the many times ministry with my new students up here happened inside the two-door vehicle... it's been an integral part of my life...

this is all coinciding with probably one of the suckiest months of all time...

and add to this that as excited as i am to move to denver and can't wait to start this new chapter of my life, the reality of it all has started to sink in... i am leaving in less than 10 weeks. i'm leaving a place that slowly but surely has become home. i'm leaving behind some people that are home, people that have shared with me in the biggest and fastest transformation i've experienced since being in my mother's womb. i already miss them and i'm still with them. it's not pre-grieving. it's full on healthy and appropriate grieving. and it sucks.

so in many ways the piece of metal that's sitting outdoors as i type this is a simple representation of a complex stage of my life. given the circumstances, i'm where i need to be, so in that sense, i'm doing great. what that includes is that i'm in a constant stage of grieving. i laugh, i cry, i mostly cry... and even though some things, like my car, won't resurrect (in fact actually "die" on the day that we celebrate jesus' resurrection), and even though it feels like at times our souls won't resurrect themselves, i know the resurrection follows. i've experienced it. i can't wait til it comes around.

i'm just not there yet.

i'm tired...

i've been opening the store almost every morning. tomorrow i'm off...

looking forward to spending the day with the jesus.

march is done, it's fired!!!

i don't get it... i don't fucking get it...

i just came back from the funeral home. my friend alysun's dad passed away last wednesday. he had ms.

i met alysun when she was a junior in high school. i used to be her leader at the student ministry in willow. we used to go to the streamwood games, to the plays, to hang out with friends that they wanted me to meet.

all through the time i've known alysun her dad was bed ridden - in many ways, this has been a relief.

and it sucks ass!!!! i really never met her dad. yet walking through the room and looking at the pictures i could tell that he led a full life.

there was the wedding picture - he was wearing jeans and a long sleeved shirt, her mom was wearing a white pantsuit with a spaghetti strap flowy white tank and flowers in her hair. references to the beatles where everywhere. and his pictures with alysun said more than words would ever be able to. you could totally see that she was his pride and joy.

as the years went by you could see him deteriorating. the most beautiful pictures where the ones that ripped my gut appart and made me angry. there was alysun getting ready to go to a school dance with her date, and they are standing next to the bed her dad was lying in. there's a picture of all the crazy kids from streamwood high that i know and love, hanging out at alysun's place - and they are hanging out with her dad in his room. and there's a picture of alysun's high school graduation - and they were able to bring her dad in his bed.

it was beautiful and painful - no one deserves to have this as part of their life.

i love alysun. my heart breaks with hers.

this month is done. it's fired. no need for anything else to happen.

i'm looking forward to comfort food tonight. and looking forward to more hiding in jesus - i don't know how else to push through.

it's only been 10 years...

dear lord... ten years since graduating from high school...

i had what seems to be an unusual great experience in high school. my friend michelle and i met in 7th grade. our friendship has gone through everything, and in the midst of 2000 miles separation we remain very close.

this week i recieved an e-mail from ricky rivera, a guy we went to high school with. they have been starting a yahoo group to get a reunion in the making. in the last few days i've e-mailed with people i hadn't heard from in... well, 10 years, literally.

it is so weird and so comforting all at the same time. i wonder who they are today and how that compares to who they were 10 years ago. god knows i've changed so much from 10 years ago... i'm intrigued to get to know them all again for the first time.

i was talking to my friend michelle on the phone today and she said, "hold on a second, my daughter doesn't want to take a nap" (she has two girls). when she came back on the phone, she said, "that is still a little weird. i have daughters."

it still feels weird.

so far it seems like we're having a reunion in december. many of us don't live in puerto rico. i really want to be there. i guess i'll start saving up now. i wonder how all of our expectations and/or who we thought everyone would be/where they would be will clash in the same room.

there's some good drama in the making :-D

it is still so surreal...

i never was really close to laurie. i met her when she was a junior or senior in high school. i wasn't one of her direct leaders in the student ministry, but there was still that relationship, that smile, that hug - even after a year in mexico whenever she saw me she would find me and hug me and say hi. still she was one of "my students" - you have many students that are "your" student when you decide to do this ministry. and my experience is not so "individual". many of laurie's acquantances felt like truly her friends - that was laurie.

and her death has hit me like a ton of bricks. i can't start to imagine what her close friends are experiencing, her fiancee, her family. i don't know the whole story, i've only collected bits and pieces - and i can't quite put together what would drive anyone to such an extreme decision and take their own life. yet at the same time, chances are if i were in her place, circumstances, train of thougth, emotional weight, who am i to say i would've chosen differently?

one of the thoughts that sticks to my mind is the reality of incarnating with each other. being in and with each other's joys and sufferings. i've experienced that in what has been probably the longest four days i can remember. the community coming together has been powerful. what if we lived like this 24/7? maybe we won't have even an opportunity to breath into the lie that we are alone.

www.laurieboncimino.com

many of us know laurie and probably know she's been missing since last wednesday. please check the website and if you have any info LET THEM KNOW!!! keep praying...

what?!? a computer that works?!?!

that's right friends, i'm writing this from the comfort of my home!!!! i have a working computer and working internet!!!! i would like to thank the academy and my parents for all their support...

so stay tuned... more postings will be happening... so excited!!!

i feel like peter gallagher

i'm not the typical girly girl... if you know me, you know that pretty well.

all my life i've tweezed my eyebrows myself... call it a control issue, if you will. recently i started going to this one place in palatine where they thread them out and now i'm addicted to the pampering.

here's the dilemma: the hair in my eyebrows seem to grow at different rates and speeds... so for the past 2 weeks i've been letting them all grow out to see if in one sitting we can catch them all at the same time.

by now, i feel like peter gallagher... it's so disturbing. i was reassured by my friend meghan that i don't look like him. however, i still feel like him.

this friday is d-day. can't wait... until then, maybe i'll self-induce in a comma in honor of his non-acting in "while you were sleeping."

i'm hooked...

i'm trying to get a new computer on ebay, a mac mini, and it's intense!!! i hadn't done ebay before, and it's addictive!!! my control issues are popping out over random strangers bidding for the same item!! aaarrrgggghhh!!! shake my fist at them in rage!!!!

the grammy's.

my friend drew loves alicia keys. no, you don't understand, he LOVES alicia keys. and last night i fell in love with her. sure, i've always thought she is great, but her performance last night was amazing!!! she was later joined by jamie foxx in a tribute to ray charles which blew everyone away!!!

the whole night fell like an amazing concert where all the celebrities collided into one huge room. it celebrated musical arts like i've never seen before...

except for jennifer lopez and marc anthony - painful!!!! yes, fellow puertoricans, but dear god!! she just proved she can't really sing - she's a performer/entertainer, not a singer.

and of course, u2. that's all i need to say about that.

overall, amazing night!! who won awards? who really knows, who really cares, the performances where worth the whole night!!

and oh yes, green day won one. it validates my musical taste in high school :-D

the apprentice

i said i was done after season 2. the idea of booksmarts vs. streetsmarts is dumb. however, i can't detach myself from the tv every thursday night. i can't seem to do anything else but want to watch this show... the assignments are lame, the people are bitchy, it's the worst television ever, and i'm hooked like there's no tomorrow... i'm addicted... and to think the martha stewart version is coming up next season... i need tivo.

movies to watch, just not before going to bed.

i saw last week motorcycle diaries... please see this asap!! but not before going to bed... the injustices that you witness along with che guevarra (beautifully portrayed by gael garcia bernal) will make you angry and for a split second you will also support the revolution the way he did. also, watch it and see if you find jesus in it. i did.

another movie to watch (saw it two days ago) - hotel rwanda. he did a phenomenal job and the actress who portrayed his wife really deserves to win best supporting actress. her portrayal grasps your heart and stays with you forever. why not to watch it before going to bed? dear lord, the inhumanity of it all is too much!!! i had to go home and stay awake til 3am in order to feel like it was a 6pm or 8pm movie.

but do yourselves a favor and watch these movies.

god releases...

and embarks you into new horizons...

the past few weeks/about a month have been a little of that in my life... and now it is official. i'll be moving to denver in june. i feel god calling me to keep growing in a different setting.

what's in denver, you ask? well, there's a bunch of crazy kids that i love that are planting a church - radius. that's where i'll be spending the next chapter of my life.

i'm extremely excited and sad about the people i'm moving away from... but no time for pre-grieving - we'll get there when the time comes :-D