you think you're taking care of your wound...

and it gets one of the worst infections ever!

That's what happened to my foot. you might remember the cankle story... well, the cankle was the least of my concerns. i thought i was doing everything to take care of it, but yesterday the foot got REALLY bad... i would post a picture but it's really gross.

why do you have a picture of it, you might ask? well, i wanted my dad to see it and let me know what he thought (he's a doctor). and if you're my sister you just need a gross wallpaper for your computer at work.

anyways, my dad got freaked out. my mom got freaked out. that leads me to freak out.

so antibiotics, iodine, triple ointment, and a tetanus shot later, it looks like i'm on the other side of the infection... last night i couldn't sleep - i kept wiggling my toes to make sure i wouldn't lose my foot... i tell you, i got freaked out.

so i'm not losing my foot, my parents are relieved, my sister's co-worker's thought her wallpaper was a partial picture of the moon... (that's how gross it looked)... but i'm doing better.

now to sit and wait for the tetanus shot arm to hurt.

a very random - yet good - day...

my mom called me on friday afternoon at work to let me know my cousin solmary, her husband manuel and their baby morelia will be stranded at DIA until the next day on their way from houston to boise. i was able to spend friday night and saturday with them... i think the last time we had seen each other was 2003.

this is morelia :)


morelia with daddy and mommy


morelia with the best titi-prima evah!


luke, me, solmary, morelia, and manuel at red rocks - thanks luke for driving us around!


i got artsy taking pictures, what can I say?!?



i had sketch workshop at 3pm, so luke took them to the airport. at the workshop, i found out i got casted for the fall show!!! so exciting - watch for more information on the show as it unfolds...

my cankle...

sunday i went hiking.

i fell.

it was funny.

later i realized i had a very bad and dirty scrape.

the next day, i had a cankle.

it's better now, it just hurts like a mother.

and no more cankle :)

the simple way

the simple way, a ministry in philly's inner city, labeled by some as "new-monasticism", has lost everything they own to a fire in their neighborhood. many families as well lost everything. fortunately, no one was hurt - yet people are serioulsy needing to consider relocating...



shane claiborne and the people of the simple way are living a very radical lifestyle - they have interpreted jesus in a tangible way and living it out in a neighborhood they love. this is so sad, it makes me angry... go to their website to read all about it.

not another page...

so now thanks to my sister i also have a facebook page. and it just so happens that half of the high school i went to is in it as well as old friends... yeah, guess who hasn't gotten much work done today? oh that's right, that would be me...

i couldn't resist

this is morelia - my cousin's solmary's baby - by the way, it's solmary's birthday today!


and these are zairamar and norbeltito - my cousin's nolbel's kids... another btw - zairamar looks a lot like i did when i was her age... sure sign of that kid growing up to be a beautiful woman ;-)

oh, to be 12 again...

my friend beth just sent me this!



i think this was about 6 yrs ago...

so young, so innocent...

so....

i'm the only one in the office right now... granted it's a small staff... 4 people. all accounted for.

president - on her way to durango
finance director - taking the afternoon off because he's working sunday
accounts manager - on lunch
program administrator - updating her blog.

really, who gets motivated to do anything when they are the only one in the office?!?!?

thankfully, sheralee, maria, bac, and i have a "bacardi coco" party tonight - i can't wait!!!

happy denver birthday to me...

last friday marked the beginning of my third year in denver.

at the risk of being redundant - my life hasn't turned out the way i planned it... not that i had a plan, but you know...

add to that in the past month my life has taken an unexpected turn... don't know what it means or looks like, but i'm enjoying the ride...

so, happy birthday to me... i'm loving denver more and more... we'll see how that goes...

writing sketches

i've been writing sketches like a maniac! well, not like a maniac, i have 3 under my belt in two weeks... but i haven't written anything of this nature in YEARS and the feedback i got last saturday was really, REALLY good - so i'm excited! it's a little reassurance - i can do this, i've done this before, i'm good at this, i enjoy this...

so now to cross my fingers and hope they make it onstage... and even better, i would be performing them!

yeah...

tripping over the bathroom rug doesn't help the leg either.

i don't know what i did...

but about 2 weeks ago my left leg was hurting really, really bad... last week my friend bethann, who's a physical therapist, told me that i had pulled my hamstring... no running, resting it, walk on it, etc.

yesterday i was kinda excited because i wanted to run this morning, which according to the PT was possible. well, i was wearing heels at work and i tripped, stepped with my ankle and hurt my left knee. so now when i walk, the knee is hurting and the hamstring is hurting again because it has to work harder... no running for me this morning...

i'm wearing a knee brace, which sucks. and i sit at work all day. whenever i get up, it hurts like a hell. and last night sleeping wasn't fun either. everytime i turned i hurt both the knee and the hamstring. so frustrating!!

i'm gonna see if i can swim tomorrow - my body feels all lazy.

that's the update for now.

for the love of everything that's pure and holy!

45 minutes left on friday afternoon!!!!

WANNA GO HOME NOW!!!!

never had the word "bitch" been so endearing...

disclaimer: i'm not planning on moving anywhere, this is just how the story goes...

at the thought of a slight possibility of me moving to vegas (not true), nick said, "that bitch better not be moving to vegas!"

at the thought of me taking a job in sioux falls (not true), maria said, "that bitch better not be moving to sioux falls!"

i <3 my friends :)

never ha the word bitch expressed so much love!

i'm not as young as i used to be...

the earliest i went to bed while in vegas was 12:30am... there used to be a time in my life when that was normal. today, after being back for two days, i still feel like i got hit by a truck - no pun intended towards my sister, who about a month ago got hit by a truck, literally... now i pull long nights and all nighters for a long weekend and it takes forever to recup... what does it all mean?!? i guess i'm not in kansas anymore toto...

two AWESOME things!

1 - i'm leaving to vegas tomorrow to meet my parents! maria is coming for the weekend! fun times
2 - i got accepted into an improv troupe!!! the first few months will be writing and understudying, and hopefully in the near future getting some stage time as well!!!

now back to packing!

god ran away

god ran away
when we imprisoned her
and put her in a box
named church.
god would have none
of our labels and
our limitations
and she said,
“i will escape and plant myself
in a simpler, poorer soil
where those who see, will see,
and those who hear, will hear.
i will become a god – believable,
because i am free,
and go where I will.
my goodness will be found
in my freedom and
that freedom i offer to all –
regardless of color, sex or status,
regardless of power or money.
ah, i am god
because i am free
and all those who would be free
will find me,
roaming, wandering, singing.
come, walk with me –
come, dance with me!
i created you to sing – to dance –
to love...

if you cannot sing,
nor dance, nor love,
because they put you
also in a box,
know that your god broke free
and ran away.
so, send your spirit
then, to dance with her.
dance, sing with the god
whom they cannot tame nor chain.
dance within, thought they chain
your very guts
to the great stone walls...
dance, beloved,
Ah, dance!

-edwina gateley

two things...

so, um, yeah, this is awesome.

also - i've been meditating on jesus' last words before he died on the cross, "father, in your hands i put my spirit." sure, they were his "last" words, yet i'm experimenting with making these eight words my simple daily prayer. notice the word simple. not easy. it's been both challenging and freeing. so today, once again i say, "father/mother, in your hands i put my spirit."

the "ebenezer" of the day...

And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.
-Paul to the Corinthians

car accidents have been prohibited, banned, and regarded as non-existent!!!

seriously, if anyone else that i love gets into a car accident, i swear, i might lose it. they have all been fine in the greater scheme of everything - the huge magnitude of the crashes and the relatively minor injuries do not correlate... but still, can't deal with two huge accidents in less than a month!!! car crashes, you have been banned!!!

happy easter!!!!

maria and i went to the red rocks easter service this morning... we were the only ones there... all bundled up, temperature in the teens... snowing... four other people were there... then they left. it's 5:30am - we'd been there for about a half hour... it's probably cancelled... the two of us sitting there - by ourselves... it must be cancelled... let's just go... so we start walking out... there are signs at the information booth - "service has been cancelled due to inclement weather"... crap! funny!!! so now we're getting ready to go to a crc church... it's 6:30 am... don't believe me? here are the pictures to prove it...


we also dyed easter eggs last night...

he is risen - he is risen indeed...

down memory lane...

fun times :-)

Los Fabulosos Cadi...

things that made me happy this weekend

further conversations about the integration of god's fatherhood and motherhood, bringing my comprehension of god closer to its fullness.

the word sin being used from an archery metaphor meaning, "missing the mark." keep practicing to acquire skills...

office space - damn it feels good to be a gangsta!

hanging out w/ peeps eating AMAZING chocolate cake.

creating dessert concoctions from scratch.

hanging out with theater people.

margaritas with good peeps at las delicias.

this...


and this...


now i need a weekend to rest from the weekend.

braindead at work

here's how i eat my burritos at chipotle

My Chipotle Burrito:

Chipotle Fan.com

could i be more in love?!?!?

i want to be them...

a breath of fresh air

life gives them to you - simple reminders that say "you are loved"

i'm thankful for the one today.

when tv just gets too close to reality...

what do you do when you just spent about 2 hrs crying basically non-stop because you were watching tv? and not so much tv, but you watched the same show twice because it landed too close to home? well, it basically landed at home...

for the past two hours i saw a glimpse of what my life could potentially be, or perhaps is without my knowledge... i saw all the different roads i could choose to react, all of them making every single bit of sense on why i would choose each one. i could just sit there and not say anything... i could be sorrounded by people and yet feel the loneliest anyone could ever feel... i could turn to vices, i could reach out for help... i could potentially do something to hurt those whom i love the most... and who cares if i do, it's already been done to me so why bother...

it is not so much the actions or the circumstances that are the most painful - it's the hiding. i have no tolerance for lies. i grew up with too many and i refuse to live in such fear anymore. i've mostly been succesful at it. but i can't help it when something knocks the wind out of my lungs or hits me on the back of the head leaving me almost unconscious, or at best, with a serious case of whiplash...

there are some things i don't want to deal with, mostly because i'm not quite sure of their reality. i'm not one to live in the "what if's?" of life. but when i see something that blantantly reminds me of the "what if's?" of long gone i can't help but dwell in them, even if it is for two hours watching the same thing over and over again.

two weeks ago when i saw the preview for this show i knew that i didn't want to watch it by myself. i completely forgot what it was about until i started watching it. you would think i would've turn the tv off, but no, i watched it twice. it's saved on TiVo until i delete it. don't know if it's one of my dumbest ideas ever or the potential for some cathartic cleansing of self... perhaps a bit of both...

it feels too late to call anyone... here's the cyber-vomit... maybe some nyquil is in order 'cause i'm not quite sure if i'll fall asleep on my own.

in the meantime i'll just redirect my anger towards this. some people are fucking idiots!!!!

two years ago today...

thinking of her family and loved ones...

may god give you strength...

it was almost completely melted...

you could see grass...

you could wear open-toed shoes...

and now there are three inches on the ground...

damn it!

we live in the neighborhood...

maria and i went to a contemplative prayer session in a neighborhood church. we went around introducing ourselves and when they came to us, they asked us how long we have been attending this particular church, to which we replied, "oh, we don't attend here, we live in the neighborhood..." almost every face lit up in wonderment, gratefulness, joy... it was almost comical... and i got it. i got every bit of it...

i do enjoy living in the neighborhood...

ps - no desire to go see this movie at the theaters, but i'm pretty sure i'll be renting it the day it comes out!

at times parts of me are dying. others are alive and well.

it only takes one voice to remind you parts of you are gone: one voice, one touch, one smell, one sound.

a minute awakens the depths of the soul. a minute reminds you a certain part of you is not dead - it's been stuffed for too long.

i don't recognize this dormant self, asleep for too long.

i don't recognize the glimpses of life it irradiates - they scare me.

multiple aspects have changed - are changing - will keep changing

the core remains

i might not be recognizing my core.

dormant soul - i see you through the cracks: break out free - force yourself through the walls.

i await.

fcc my ass!

read this and this. If that can happen, then 3 years ago's "nipplegate" is really nothing. if this is all because prince is a man and janet is a woman, oh, friends, i am PISSED!!!! damn double standards! the fcc can kiss my ass...

ps - stupid bears...

you know you're loved when...

you have a day like the one i had yesterday.

i woke up to find our apartment had been all decorated by my roommate - including cupcakes and all.

all day at work i get e-mails, text, google chats, etc from people wishing you a happy birthday - people i haven't seen in YEARS and people that i have no clue why they remembered it.

my sister made sure she went to her friends place late at night to make sure she was able to talk to me in spite of the 7 hour difference.

to top the night off, i had one of the best happy hours/dinner anyone can hope for... the restaurant was a revolving door for friends to swing by, from co-workers, to former co-workers, to people i see every now and then, to my closest friends - all speaking words of afirmation and love... couldn't ask for anything more.

if there's a great way to have a birthday, it was yesterday. here's to hoping that this is a premonition of the year to come!

to all of you, thank you.

and i'm 29.

happy birthday to me.

thank you very much.

good night.

on the eve of 29...

starting the 30th year of my life...

my life is definitely not where i would've thought it would go. all the twist and turns have been exciting and crazy and weird and unexpected... i'm loving every second of it... i'm waiting to be reawakened as well...

dear jesus, reawaken my soul...

let the birthday celebrations officially begin!

this weekend i'm going out of town with peeps that i love in order to celebrate my b-day... 29... as of next tuesday...

woohoo!!!

i might have just missed it

i'm not very practical or tangible for the most part. i live in the abstract realm of ideas and values where those are the driving forces for the tangible and practical things that i do... when you ask me how i do something it's hard for me to explain it. the why is easy to convey...

i forget that most of the world doesn't function in this manner... i forget that overall, i'm really different in this way. it's easy to feel alienated from my surroundings because most of the world around me is discussing the intricate details of the how..

i don't care about the how. i care about the why.

in the middle of loranger, louisiana this has become more prevalent than before...

then add all the mystic influences in my life...

through no ones doing, i feel excommunicated from the general community of god.

it is my responsibility to remind myself that i'm not excommunicated, that there are different forms of spirituality and that right now i'm in a group where i'm the minority.

reiterating - no one has said or done anything to intentionally affect me - this is my new existential crisis, if you will...

ps -in the next week or so look for a post on more transformational experiences after serving a day in new orleans...
pss - tim lahaye and his wife apparently wrote a book a while back about sexual purity... a book, that in my opinion and many of those around me right now, should either become a burnt offering or "left behind"... these peeps are funny...
pss - 7pm in episcopalian time means wine and cheese... gotta <3 them.

a new year

today officially starts the celebration of my birthday. i believe that birthdays should be celbrated for a whole month - my celebrations usually dwindle around valentine's day. i "blame" my mom for treating our birthdays growing up as national holidays... i believe mine still is and everyone around me celebrating a birthday should be treated likewise!

having my birthday so close to the beginning of the year has also meant that my yeras are well defined in that sense - it's easy to go back when i was little and say, "1982, i was four, i remember my first cabbage patch kid"...

growing older, i can go back and say, "1996, i was 18, first year where i allowed myself to be myself." or, "2001, i was 23, the year of the uprooting." "2004, i was 26, the year i officially became an adult, emotionally."

2006...

so many things have happened this year. if you've been near me, you've seen it, no need to recount. those of you far away that got the stories have collectivelly said, " you've had one really rough year..." those of you far away and that we haven't been able to catch up... well, the stories are too many and some of them too painful to send into cyberspace - we can find a way to sit down and catch up...

i can truly say that 2006 was the year when victimization of myself sounded like the best option and i fought my ass off to not fall into it... i believe i succeded with flying colors... it was the year when it was very easy to believe that there was something wrong with me because everytime i turned around somebody else was out of my life without me even realizing it. it was the year - and this is the most painful of it all - when solitude became seriously painful because whenever i went on to take care of myself and meet with god in solitude i would come back to find someone gone - and i allowed this pattern to pull me away from the one thing that gives me the most life. i was afraid to meet with god because it probably meant that someone was tangibly dissapearing.

it was also a year of reconnecting with some ideologies from my past that i had forgotten. i saw myself in a new light, a new light that really has been there all along. it was the year were a handful of my friends and i were able to sit across from each other and with glances and tears we were able to say, "we're in this together," while blowing up that which we had known. stronger bonds, stronger lives overall...

it was a year of redefinition - of home, life, work, identity...

i'll look back and say, "2006, i was 28, it was the year when innocense turned into hope."

ps - thanks to all of you who followed up on me regarding my previous post... the aftermath of suicide is a bitch! just remember that if the thought even crosses your mind!

angry

deciding to end your life might "end" your problems, but it also means that many problems will surface for those of us who love you. can't believe you were so selfish. i'm really angry at you right now!

it happens every time...

whenever i come back from puerto rico, the displacement kicks in. i've been gone for too long to fit in anymore - i don't quite fit in where i'm at either... it's a roundabout way of being reminded that true home is in god and nowhere else - so in a sense i'm lucky for having such a vivid reminder. it is painful as hell, though...

seeing so many people that i hadn't seen in a long time (see picture below for some of them) is very nourishing and gives you a sense of grounding. seeing new people, like little jaikob makes me so happy and extremely sad - i'm missing out on their lives down there...

but i've been gone too long - i'm just a blurb that shows up every year - not a constant in life.

in the united states, whether chicago or denver, finding that grounding stability is so hard... it took three years in chicago. denver feels a lot faster, still shaky ground nonetheless.

need to keep being me - with my "too much puertorican" on this end of the pond, and the "too much gringa" on the island... that's who i am right now - can't help it.

can't expect anyone to fully undersand either - that's the hardest part... people want and can empathize... however this does feel like one of those things that i need to deal on my own...

the prayer for this season is - jesus please be as real as you can be. i don't have the strength or energy to be proactive, so please show up. and open my eyes and awareness so i can see you - even in the littlest things, even in the buttloads of snow out... show me glimmers of hope and the comfort of home.

ps - i will post pictures from puerto rico soon - left the usb cable at my parents'... idiot, gah!

¡feliz año nuevo!

this is what a puertorican new year looks like...




and people have been getting creative...

running away from the snow...

we're supposed to get another foot of snow by friday afternoon...

good thing my flight leaves at 10:30am to go to puerto rico!!!

sweet.

christmas

hope

peace

joy

love

merry christmas to all.

here's a holiday treat...



two of the funniest people i know...

love - fourth sunday of advent

this one in my opinion encompasses it all. going back to my first post on advent, it was because of love that this all-powerful god came to earth through a birth cannal. not because love is a quality of his - but it is his ESSENCE. and luckily for me i've experienced glimpses of his essence in very personal, mystical ways and this week i've seen it in very practical ways...

-random strangers helping people push their cars when stuck
-"here, i live at such and such, take my shovel"
-a friend who gets her flight to go home cancelled because of the blizzard, and in the midst of the frustration, her "big" decision is where to go for christmas as invitations poured her way
-flurries falling on christmas eve, replenishing the snow on trees that had melted already - making it a white christmas (i believe tecnically my first one).
-and many others...

in the midst of it all - god is. jesus born to us. emmanuel. with us.

love.

a love that cries to make its way through humanity. a love born not to solve life's problem, but to allow us to live life to the fullest.

may the essence of the god that is love be with you on this last sunday of advent - also christmas eve.

what my neighborhood looks like

snowed in

i'm experiencing my first snow storm/blizzard... there are 15" on the ground and counting...


staying at some friends tonight... refuse to be alone tonight. horrible weather and emotionally all over the place.

i do find it sort of funny that i-70 is closed from denver to kansas... i-76 from denver to nebraska... yeah, interstates closed from my city til the next state... funny mostly because i'm indoors and safe.

yet again...

today was a very unexpected day...

a friend was having a hell of a time at work...

i found out at my job that through some weird twist of events our building will be completely closed next week - some sort of weird eviction...

and another friend decided that her life was too hard to keep living...

i haven't cried yet - the shock is too strong to let the floodgates open.

what could ever be so difficult to allow you to think that you're done? no, really, you're done.

i know it'll hit me tomorrow and perhaps it would not stop.

for now i'm in shock and grieving for my friend that was really close to her.

it feels too sudden to have something like this happen again... but i guess there's never really that much space in between...

yeah... the shock is too big right now - i pray that i may have a hard time keeping myself together tomorrow - this needs to be released...

i guess i'm a local now... people that i met in denver, that i love from denver, they're gone... i guess this is life to its full extent.

INDOOR LANAIS!!!!

that's the other thing i was supposed to blog about - hanging out in indoor lanais with friends having delicious desserts...

sunbathing at the indoor lanais... make sure you get an even exposure...

chedda

this posting goes out to some special peeps...

you know who you are...

i'm supposed to blog about football games...

i'm supposed to blog about something else, but i forgot...

damn you lucinda!!!!

seriously, this posting is an inside joke - sorry to all of you who won't get it - i usually don't do this but this was too good to pass...

if you would like explanations, call or e-mail - more than happy to do so...

joy - third sunday of advent

so it isn't sunday... i just got home from celebrating advent with some friends... as i mentioned earlier, we do get together on thursday nights... we're "cool like that, yo'..."

whenever i think of the word joy, the first thing that pops into my head is this song from this cantata that we did in puerto rico...

"joy to the lord in heav'n on high (joy to the lord)
joy to the lord in heav'n... on high...
the everlasting father, the prince of peace,
the everlasting father, the prince <> of <> peace
arise, shine, for your light has come,
your light has come...
and the glory of the lord is risen upon you arise shine
for your light has come..."

i realize this doesn't really make much sense when you don't know the melody... however, picture a bunch of late teens and twenty somethings in full choir robes doing cheesy on the spot choreographies and just having fun - these wasn't the actual performance, we would do this after the performance was done... to this day we can all break out into our different voice parts and have a mini cantata...

as weird as this account may be, those are times of joy in my life...

joy - the pink candle in the wreath - a glimmer of hope knowing that emmanuel will soon be with us.

the traditional story told during this time is the proclamation of the angel to the shepherds.

which leads me to another story...

so, back in puerto rico again, for a couple of years we did this HUGE christmas production outdoors. i was playing the angel. traditionally, it is said that this was the archangel gabriel, even though the story really doesn't name the angel. so traditionally you associate this angel as a man. well, i'm not a man. and the only way to get those wings to stay on me where to tie them in such a way around my chest that would sort of weirdly emphasize that, well, i'm not a man... what made this more awkward is that the whole show was pre-recorded - we were "lip-synching" our performances. The voice used for the angel was a man, Carlitos. Don't let the name fool you. Carlitos had a DEEP voice... hillarity for years to come...

but more on the actual shepherds of the time...

they were not old with beards - they were jr. high age. they lived in the country side tending sheep. that's all they did. and a heavenly body shows up and tells them that their savior has been born and that they will find them in a manger. so what do they do? the basically say, "ok..." and go looking for this baby.

let's backtrack a little... this kids have probably been taught that they are waiting for a political liberator of some sort. an angel comes to them, not to a rabbi, not to the powerful members of society, but to kids taking care of sheep. and when they get there, they see a baby. it's going to be at least 30 years until this "political liberator" does something.

yet the say, "ok"... they go, find this baby, and then go around telling the story.

there's a sense of innocent trust that i admire...

that i want...

there is some sort of promise for the future... yet they are able to be in their right here, right now an rejoice in that... not because of the future promise but because of their experience.

inexplicable joy... you experience it... and as it often is with joyous ocassions, you gotta go and tell someone... share in the joy...

in the middle of this season of my life, where many times i feel exhausted, when almost every night before going to bed i ask myself, "really?", when i feel like i've been running for way too long with no real water break in sight, i can honestly say that i'm able to live in this right here right now, that there's nowhere else that i'd rather be - and that the glimpses that i get along the road are enough to spur joy and keep trusting, and running...

and it doesn't hurt that i have some amazing people by my side in the process...

joy.

it doesn't mean to be happy.

it might be a definition for being.

ps - for those of you in puerto rico who remember that beautiful pageant:
barren: cannot have any children
mute: unable to speak
shoe: what you put on your foot
MIRA!!!!

a quick note

the beautiful thing about anonymous comments is that it allows my friends with no blogger account to leave messages, thoughts, expressions, emotions, you name it. it's amazing to me how many people read my random thoughts - it's even more amazing how this keeps me connected in some way with people in chicago and puerto rico, how a conversation grows and blossom from a blurb i threw up into cyberspace.

friends, whenever you leave a comment, please leave your name as well... if you know anything about me, you probably know that doing such things feel almost like innapropriate text messaging - passive aggressive and refusing to be. and that really pisses me off.

that being said, please keep commenting away - i do love it! and stay tuned for the next advent reflection - joy in the middle of expectancy.

peace - second sunday of advent

some of my friends and i are celebrating advent on thursday nights... call us "progressive"...

the concept of peace i believe is misconstrued... peace is usually associated with everything being calm and perfect. i find it that the moments i experience true peace are the moments where i don't know the difference from up and down.

traditionally, peace in advent is associated with the story of the annunciation to mary. talk about messed up worlds! a 14 year old finds out that she will have a baby in a society where doing so out of wedlock was deserving of stoning and shunning. yet somehow she seems to have that peace that surpasses all understanding.

maybe peace isn't the "miss congeniality" concept of "world peace"... maybe peace is keeping life in perspective, keeping the bigger picture in mind. what is a year when compared to a lifetime? this is not to minimize experiences or circumstance, yet in the midst of the upside down experience relying in the holy spirit to be the one that sustains, that empowers, that loves through me. that maybe instead of grasping i need to let go...

i've experienced it. i've lived it. and i wish i could say this is an ongoing experience...

i'm learning and getting better at it, but by no means an expert.

a genius from the 12th century said it best...

lord, make me an instrument of your peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
when there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is dispair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand,
to be loved as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

hope - first sunday of advent

with every year that passes i come to love advent more and more.

growing up it was part of my catholic upbringing. when you are little it is the coolest thing because they choose children to help light the wreath and you too could be cool enough to play with fire at church. as you keep growing up it looses its meaning, it's just 5 candles of different colors. then you, well at least, i started associating advent with can't have that much fun til christmas, we're waiting.

in my teens i started attending an interdenominational church. they also did the wreath during advent - every advent season was celebrated at this "non-catholic" church - madness! this is where i learned that the four candles on the outside represent the 400 years of silence between the old and new testament. the candles are purple as this is the color that represents waiting. hope, peace, joy, and love. except that the joy candle is pink - glimmer of hope as the waiting is coming to an end. then the middle candle is white, the birth. at this stage of my life it was nice to remember what this all meant and even funner to watch the kids beg to light a candle...

then i kept growing up.

and i kept falling in love with jesus.

the god who is in me.

the god who is with me.

emmanuel

god with us.

the idea of the incarnation is fascinating to me. that the all knowing, all powerful, and eternal god loved us so much that decided to be with us. to be with me. to inhabit earth as one of us... born through a birth cannal... crass, yes, and real.

the redeemer that israel had been waiting for so long was about to show up in the most unexpected form.

they didn't know when, or how, or who...

yet they prayed and waited - with hope that this messiah would come

last week i read this with two beautiful friends, a reminder of israel's reality while in exile, a parallel with the expectant nation at the time of the birth of jesus, a parallel of my right here and right now...

and this song makes more sense as the years go by...




veni, veni, emmanuel
captivum solve israel,
qui gemit in exsilio,
privatus dei filio.
gaude! gaude! emmanuel,
nascetur pro te israel!

veni, veni o oriens,
solare nos adveniens,
noctis depelle nebulas,
dirasque mortis tenebras.
gaude! gaude! emmanuel,
nascetur pro te israel!

veni, clavis davidica,
regna reclude caelica,
fac iter tutum superum,
et claude vias inferum.
gaude! gaude! emmanuel,
nascetur pro te israel!

~~~~~~

o come, o come, emmanuel,
and ransom captive israel,
that morns in lonely exile here
until the son of god appear.
rejoice! rejoice! emmanuel,
to thee shall come o israel!

o come, thou dayspring from on high,
and cheer us by thy drawing nigh;
disperse the gloomy clouds of night
and death's dark shadow put to flight.
rejoice! rejoice! emmanuel,
to thee shall come o israel!

o come, thou key of david, come,
and open wide our heav'nly home,
make safe the way that leads on high,
that we no more have cause to sigh.
rejoice! rejoice! emmanuel,
to thee shall come o israel!

my dad had what?!?!?

apparently this is the week of randomnes...

i call my parents yesterday to say hi, happy early thanksgiving, yadda, yadda, yadda... my mom proceeds to inform me that my dad just had surgery... ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?? obviously i proceed to get pissed off at them for not letting me know ahead of time... they do have a tendency to let me know of serious circumstances AFTER the fact... my mom starts laughing - which makes me angrier - and tells me the whole story.

it was a normal wednesday. my dad went to work - by the way, he's a surgeon: the irony is precious! my mom goes on wednesday to the hospital to practice anesthesia. she does this once a week for the pure sheer joy of it. they usually do cases together. so they go throug all their patients as normal.

my dad has known for a while that his gallbladder is not in top notch shape. apparently he's been feeling really sick about it recently, throwing up and all... but you know what they say, en casa de herrero... (shoemaker's daughter...) so after going through all his surgeries of the day he goes to his office partner and tells him to remove his gallbladder.

so, on the spot, my mom sedated him as his friend removed his gallbladder.

after the surgery, my mom calls family and let them know what's going on, they come to visit, etc. It is then that my cousin takes my mom to her place to grab the normal stuff you would take with you when you go to the hospital - toothbrush, pj's, all of that...

i called this morning to see how he's doing, and we've come to many conclusions:
-my dad can survive without his gallbladder, but take away cable tv and he dies
-my mom and i are forming "vesiculas unidas" (united gallbladders) as my dad and my sister have had their's removed... NO ONE WILL TAKE MY GALLBLADDER FROM ME!!!!! :-)
-finally, my mom tells me that my dad made his rounds this morning in the hospital to his patients that he did surgery on yesterday... WITH HIS I.V. STILL ATTACHED!!! could you imagine having your surgeon come to check on you with his white robe and an i.v. on a little rolling tower...

all this to say... the randomness runs in the family...

and happy thanksgiving everyone... in the greater scheme of life, these hard times are but a spec of the greatness of life - it is this bigger picture that i don't want to take for granted...

here's how random my life is...

monday night i went with maria to see dave's band, raleigh, play at larimer lounge. they were the third band, so before they went up we were at the bar having a drink. the second band sounded prettty good, and maria and i kept looking at each other whenever we liked something that they did. every now and then a lyric would pop up and we would look at each other wondering, "are they a christian band?" dave's band played, we had a good time, and then my inner granma, who was alive and kickin', reminded me that it was a monday night so we went home.

*warning*there is some myspace-stalking ahead*you've been warned*

the next morning maria emails me the link to that band that we liked. i linked, and find out that they are a christian band, named vona. i start reading their page and they mention their lead guitarist, josé ibañez. i look through the pictures on the website and this josé person looks extremely familiar...

here is where it gets weird...

back when i was a freshman in high school, circa 1991-92, one of the guys in the sophomore class was named, you guessed it, josé ibañez... let's not forget to mention that i went to wesleyan academy in guaynabo, puerto rico, a pre-k through 12th grade school that totaled about 900 students back then. in the middle of all the, "what the hell?!?!", i send a message to their myspace page, something along the lines of catched your show last night, my friend found your website, the guy looks familiar, it's a longshot because we're talking puerto rico 14-15 years ago and we're in denver, etc. etc. etc.

about an hour later one of the guys from the band sends me a message saying that josé is from puerto rico AND he recalls him mentioning w.a. he gives me his email and i proceed to write one of the most random emails i've ever written... "if it's you, how in the world did you end up in denver?!?!? if you're not who i think you are, thousand apologies and please disregard this email."

about another hour went by (did i mention that i was at work and i truly did not want to do anything that day?!?!) and i get an email back...

IT'S HIM!!!!! WHAT THE HELL??!??!?!

it turns out that we live about 30 blocks away from each other on the same street, and we both moved to denver from chicago about a year and a half ago...

IT'S SO FRICKIN' WEIRD!!!

i may have coffee with him and his wife sometime after thanksgiving and maybe catch one of their shows...

i cannot lie, i'm excited about having a random conection from puerto rico here - we never were that close back then, but it brings a strange sense of familiarity, if that makes any sense...

so that's how i spent my tuesday - it sure beats the crap out of working the week after the busiest week at work!

and maria's and my myspace skills... AH-MA-ZING!!!!

exhausted

it's been a crazy two weeks at work. it came to an end today and i'm exhausted. i tried to hang out with friends but exhaustion took over, as in i'm-leaning-against-the-support-beam-of-the-bar-while-sitting-down. funny when i hit this place other fears and insecurities surface. old lies show up and even though i can name them as such, they fight really hard to take over and declare themselves reality. i know that this is just exhaustion and that i just need to rest (praise the jesus for the long weekend ahead) - it's just that when you're this tired it's easier to let the lies take over...

so bring it on new layer of anger, grieving, and sadness... i've seen you before, and i'm not afraid of you... i know i'll grow through this all...

bring it on, b-atch!

ps - i <3 maria for many reasons... the one being featured right here is leading me to this fabulous video!

holding on

that's what life feels like. just being there, in the moment. not looking way too ahead and not looking back. right here right now - one breath at a time.

pleasantly surprised

tonight walking home I saw this event take place:

two policemen got out of their car and went to this one building where this woman was sitting on the front steps. with probably one of the most caring voices i've heard in a long time, one of them said, "hi, did you call us?" "yes," she replied, "he already left." the policeman asked her, "what's going on?" "he pushed me." and by that point i was already far from them. i guess i have a stereotype about policemen. their uniforms don't help a lot - they intimidate me. and i've seen people get arrested and police brutality - both in real live and on t.v. however, the genuine concern in his voice changed everything. perhaps not all is lost in the world.

who are you?!?

so at the bottom right part of this page there's a map that shows where the readers of this blog are. denver, chicago, san antonio, puerto rico, and a few others, i get... but, the u.p.?!?!? new york?!??! who are you people?!?!?

night of too many stars: an overbooked benefit.

last sunday night jon stewart hosted a benefit raising money for education for autistic children. here are some hillarious clips for everyone's enjoyment.

not a girly girl

we're moving offices today.

everyone's really impressed that i could parallel park the 26-footer.

"are you ok carrying that desk on that dolly?"

somehow "the boys" are doing all the heavy work.

i'm the only staff member at the office and now i'm in charge of the phones.

no really, i can move stuff. i can carry stuff. i'm not a girly girl.

the jesus i know...

i've been called naive. i've been called simplistic. behind my back. to my face. many times.

this week, once again, i was reminded how different i really am. how i'm not your average 28 year old. my priorities are very different from others in my generation. how my choices, many times, lead to a "lonely" life, a simplistic life, a life which, pardon the cliche, centers around god.

god keeps showing his face - through people, random conversations, split seconds with strangers, mystic encounters... this jesus that i know makes it all worth it. my life is filled with many small steps that all lead in the same direction - a life in god. that there are many detours along the way, absolutely! believe me, they're there. yet they become but a grain of sand in the midst of the trayectory i'm on, a trayectory that i wouldn't trade for the world.

the jesus that i know is nothing like the video below. that video is funny 'cause it's sad... it breaks my heart that thinking of god that way is even an option. that's not the jesus i know. the jesus i know is fully in love with me, my biggest cheerleader, stopping at nothing to get me to fall more in love with him. he usually gets his way =)

today i had an afternoon/evening with god. rediscovering myself. rediscovering who god is. rediscovering where we come together. rediscovering how when i'm abiding in him, i can be nothing but love to the world that sorrounds me. that, for now, seems to be enough.

call me naive - call me simplistic... i'll take it.

it's funny 'cause it's sad...

know-it-all

this story, as simple as it may be, reminds me that we don't, no matter how advanced, high, and mighty we might think we are.

1st day on the job

apparently there's such thing as the colorado episcopal convention - the biggest deal if you are an episcopal and live in colorado.

that's how i spent my first day on the job. i was sitting at our booth, networking, "answering" questions, and repeating to almost everyone that i met, "no really, literally, my first day on the job," to which most of them exclaimed, "wow, trial by fire!"

there were about 300 people at this convention. they were really excited about the turnout, how crowded it was, etc. they were very impressed that i was able to hold my own in such an environment. what i didn't tell them is that while i worked at willow there were about 10 conferences a year, the smallest one of them in the 2500 mark... i didn't tell them that for three years i volunteered for most of them and then there was one a year that i was more directly involved... i didn't tell them that this was actually in my experience more of a pre-conference workshop feel... i didn't say any of that :-)

being back in the denominational world will be interesting. it already is. it will kick my ass theologically and spiritually, which has me terrified and excited... those of you that know me, would i have it any other way?!?!

last night i had a few people over for dinner to celebrate my new job. i loved having them all over and just sitting and being with each other.

to having my world rocked all over from another point of view... to experiencing god in it all...

ps - they have jobs too!

that chicago weekend

i went to my friend troy's wedding to cheryl... i cried like a baby when i saw him



and i hung out with beth and kochie!!



i love them!! and miss them like crazy!!!

i also hung out in michigan with my puertorican friends... because nothing says "grand rapids" more than six puertoricans eating at the spanish place... this is us hanging out at lenski and tanya's place.

i walked out.

i walked out of the random temping job today.

long story short, i was given an "ultimatum" by the temp agency - "you have to finish this assignment".

yeah - not many people have the right in my life to tell me i have to do something...

and those that do, they know me well enough to know power upping with me doesn't work.

i know this wasn't the most mature way of dealing with the situation. when in a situation someone gives me that much of stupid crap, i take the adolescent route out and give the same crap back.

not my finest moment, i know. and please don't give me shit. i don't put up with it.

most roller-coaster-like week ever!

i'm at a random temp assingment at an architecture firm putting together some brochures. it pays crap but it's something to do.

on thursday i went by bus to lakewood (not fun!) to interview with another staffing agency that seemed a little more promising.

friday during my lunch break from putting spiral binders together i checked my voicemail. it's the colorado episcopal foundation. they offered me the job!!!!

today i got a letter in the mail making the offer official. it is pretty safe to say know I HAVE A JOB!!!!

starting this friday, oct. 6th, i will be the program administrator for the COEF. in a bizarre turn of events, my master's degree is actually coming in handy... who knew!

thank you all for your support during this past 8 months - definetely some of the craziest months of my life.

now - to learn the new job and see some dust settle-hopefully. maybe i'll have energy now for other stuff that i love.

woohoo!!!!

ps - that letter is on my fridge like a good grade when your little or that drawing you made your mom! :-)

officially jobless - again.

it's official. no more protiviti. i'm off to an interview with the colorado episcopal foundation. we'll see how that turns out.

sick and twisted joke!

what the crap?!?!

so i don't have a job yet... apparently the HR person is not in town and they've put the whole thing on hold... i don't know what it all means, i just got a voice mail from the temp agency late today...

it all feels like a sad and twisted joke.

hopefully it'll turn out ok...

i have a what?!?!

a real job!

starting tomorrow, i'll be working as a receptionsit/administrative assistant at the denver offices of protiviti. after a month and a half of frantic job search (averaging 25 sent resumes per week!) i finally found a position through one of my temp agencies... so hopefully this means some sort of stability in my life... a much wanted stability since many other pieces seem to be in chaos. this job will probably get old soon, but the prospect of doing something simple with a decent steady income, that feels big! and i get my own laptop from work, which is, in my opinion a sweet deal...

two dear friends are also waiting to hear from jobs... if they too get it (which sounds like they will)we might have to have a huge celebration this friday!

so this sort of marks the end of an era... the end of temporary life to some extent (starbucks, temp jobs everywhere). this also sort of marks the end of another era - for the first time my "real" job doesn't involve ministry. to some extent it feels like i'm no longer a pastor/minister in whatever shape it comes... now, hold back your, "you're-a-minister-no-matter-where-you-are-at" schpeel... i know that. and this feels huge. i'm officially no longer on "full-time ministry" - whatever that means - this is sure going to hit me really soon...

but for now, i have a job!!! woohoo!!!

ps - happy b-day to maria and michelle!!!! love you both!!!!

removing yourself.

i had an amazing a fast-paced weekend! i slept a total of 12 hrs in 4 days...

and by removing myself from my life and sharing with people that i love, i realized (and pointed out to me) that the past 10 months of my life have been extremely hard...

i was able to see how much has happened and how i have every right to be tired which i am. somehow i've remained hopeful in the midst of it all - and i've been able to be ok realizing that i'm one hurting little kid taking life one step at a time...

i've returned emotionally and physically drained and at the same time emotionally, and physically renewed... here we go life, bring it on!

on my way to chi-town and bland rapids!

it's one of the craziest busy weekends ever, but i get to see friends, go to a wedding, drive to see more friends... i'm excited. hopefully it'll give me a break from all the job shit...

here i come friends!

ps - i'm sad i'm missing maria's and sheralee's 1st year anniversay in denver... celebrations are in order when i get back!

just got back from an interview...

who doesn't offer benefits at 40 hrs?!??! I'm sure they're making money, seriously!!!!

just sayin'...

these people don't.

get r done!

i hate that phrase... it's probably one of the most sexist expressions of all time. still, it is the one in my head when it comes to this job bullshit.

yesterday i applied to 11 jobs... that's right, ELEVEN. i've already heard from some of them. i have a phone interview with one of them this week as well as an interview for administrative assistant at a mortgage company. gotta heart the wikipedia for the crash course on it.

so hopefully that means that i'll have a job by oct. 1st. however, i've felt like this in the past and i end up in square one. i pray that's not the case this time around.

is it too much to ask for? a decent paying job that is just that, a job? i would like to go home and live life and pay attention to what matters. it's hard to make the jump unto "corporateland" when i've been working for churches basically my whole life.

that's what matters to me the most. god makes sense in the reality that we live. it is that intersection that drives me. not how much money i can make or help a company make. and the bills need to be paid, so, let's get r done!

talk about missing the familiar...

i just got an evite for my sister's birthday party this saturday... she lives in miami... i so want to be there... made me cry out of sadness and if you read the evite, her friends are hillarious and through the warmth of the evite you can tell that they love her A LOT, so that's comforting to know that she has peeps around her that take care of her... so yeah... what am i doing again?!?!?

in other news, sheralee found this today...


it's amazing that people used to live like that.

missing the familiar...

such little things make me homesick... a random beat, a certain entonation, a certain smell.

i randomly found a letter from a great friend. in it she had words of trust and hope for me. she was saying goodbye as i moved away. her words, a little over a year later, brought tears to my eyes... those words from long ago are still true. she believes in me. in who i am. in our relationship.

those tangible, external voices are few now. not hearing those words "from the outside" drive my inner voices to question myself, to do a double take, to almost every night before going to bed ask, "what am i doing again?"

i would like to think that as soon as i land a "permanent" job (whatever that means!) all this self-doubt will go away. maybe the intensity will not be the same. i know nothing will be "solved" (whatever that means, again).

i crave comfort. i crave settled waters. i crave stability. i crave tangible expressions.

breath of fresh air.

2006 has been a rough year. so far. there are four months left, hopefully the tide will change. a positive outcome of rough patches of my life is that i write. so i've started writing again. as i'm starting to write last night i ran across a quote in my old notebook, "there isn't any urgency to get things done. the urgency is to be with god." (g. scazzero).

that's who i am at the core. all i really want is to be with god. and in the midst of all the shit thrown at me, i forget. if it weren't for my dependency in god i would not be where i am today. right now. at the same time i run away from it all, leading to displacement, loneliness, and desperation.

there isn't any urgency to get things done. the urgency is to be with god.

that's how i want to live my life. in the midst of it all, i want to desperately be with god.

one of the most disturbing things i've ever experienced...

WARNING: if you have a pet or are an animal lover, you might not want to read this. "gee, thanks," you might say, " those are the magic words to want to keep reading!" then by all means, do it... know that you've been warned.

last night i was walking with luke from his place to mine to meet sheralee and go to the hot tub. as we are walking by governor's park, we see this "thing" fall down from probably a 5th or 6th story balcony and hear someone screaming, "i gotta go! i gotta go!" when this thing finally landed, we realize it was her cat, who landed on its side and was in obvious pain trying to get up but not being able to. i was shocked, dumbfounded... i don't know if the cat jumped, lost its footing, she was holding it and slipped... so luke and i were standing there, scaring the crap out of the people getting out of the car right next to us until we explained what was going to them... the guy left the scene because he has a cat and couldn't handle it... so finally what seemed like 5 minutes later but probably was around 30 seconds the woman comes out of the building's front door, sees the cat that by now is motionless, and screams in the worst of pains i've heard in a long time... she's holding her belly, crying, looking away but wanting to take care of it... so we ran over there to see if we could help her... we just let her cry and scream and cry some more... what felt like another 5 minutes but probably was another 30 seconds later her boyfriend came out through the front door... in her pain, she apologized to us for not "paying attention" to our help, to which we said, "no apologies, we just wanted to make sure that you had someone with you." there was nothing else left for us to do, so we left...
those 2 blocks have never felt so long... we were both in shock. he was feeling it in his heart and i was feeling it in my gut. i wanted to cry but couldn't... don't know why... i didn't want to tell sheralee because of mia, but luke needed to keep letting it out so he told her... by the time i went to bed the cat trying to get up and the woman's pain was the last thing in my mind. getting up they were the first two things as well.
i'm hoping by writing it out here i can process it a little... it honestly was shocking, disturbing, don't wish it on anyone, can't even begin to imagine what that would even be like... i don't know her... didn't know her cat... don't know the boyfriend... don't know anyone's names... still, it is vivid in me.
i hope she gets some sleep and rest sometime soon...

welcome to *$%@#$& denver!

meet jeff.

he just moved to denver.

through random connections, he had sheralee's phone number.

we've been hanging out with jeff.

he's a cool guy.

last night we went over to maria's for dinner.

he parked his car in my neck of town.

through miscommunication, i assumed he was parked on the street.

he wasn't.

he was parked on my building's lot.

he asked me if that was ok.

i said yes, because i thought he was on the street.

guess who got towed?

jeff.

guess who feels like a total ass?

me.


oh well... watch this. it makes me giggle - yet another reason why these two shows must be watched religiously.

the sadness of the past month has settled in...

all at the same time.

gross.

thank god for the weekend - for whatever reason i'm able to disconnect and just be.

also, thank god for the model train (name that movie).

for those of you who asked...

here's the english translation of the "no puedo abortar" piece... please remember that there's ALWAYS something lost in the translation...
July 26

I CAN’T ABORT

“today I had the difficult task of being a young man’s companions while in another place his girlfriend was having an abortion. some might say, “but pastor, how could you?!” first of all, I’m his friend and sister. i’m not here to judge anyone. he needed me. while he tried his best to hold back his tears i could only be with him without saying a word... waiting for him to understand – no matter what happens – i love him... and i’m with him. this made me think of a story my grandma told me one time. how she gave birth to a dead baby. she felt it cold in her womb and she had to give birth to it knowing that it was dead...

“in a weird way I feel envy in both instances... there’s within me an agony, a pain, a heart and mind that i can’t abort... i envy the young woman that will emotionally forever remember what she had inside... she’s free... she has nothing growing inside of her... while i... i have an agony and hurt that’s about to be 8 months old and is not showing any signs of wanting to come out... i envy my grandma who with pain and anguish pushed and gave birth to the dead... while no matter how hard i push and scream and press on i can’t release this cadaver that every day grows like an alien – until almost taking all over my insides... and people get angry and scared when I say I don’t want this anymore... i can’t take it anymore... like the full term lady who’s crazy to get the creature out of her system... i’ve got less strength than the dead inside of me... and it grows... it takes over... and my skin is about to burst and my life is slipping away... i can’t abort... there’s no knife or suction device that can remove this. the thing is that this inside of me can’t be aborted. how i wish that it could come out through my mouth... but there aren’t any words nor expressions that could express it... i wish it could come out through my eyes... but as much as i cry – the cadaver is still inside... how i wish that it could come out through my pores... but as much as i shiver and my muscles tense up... it won’t come out from inside... don’t be afraid if i let it take its course... if one day you find me there... all consumed.... unrecognizable because the corpse has not allowed me to breathe or my heart to pump... don’t be scared or be sorry for me... because what i have inside can’t be aborted... what i have inside is all i’ve lost... what i have inside... is what has me...

by neyda yvonne albarran

"no puedo abortar"

my friend neyda wrote a beautiful piece in spanish named "i can't abort." she wrote it as a friend of hers was going through an abortion and the jist of her piece is that she's jealous of this person's abortion because she has something inside of her that feels dead yet she's not able to get rid of it. it is consistently there and as much as she pushes and tries to abort it, it's still there.

i've been thinking of that piece in the past couple of days.

i didn't get the job i wanted. i didn't get this one job that i thought i was a perfect fit for. after being in numerous rounds with this organization (and another one recently) i find myself at square one, starting from scratch. my stomach has turned inside out and it dwells within me. i want to get rid of that sensation yet i can't. it's with me everywhere i go.

as much as i know that my not getting these jobs have nothing to do with who i am as a person, as a professional, as a wholistic human being, you can't help but believe all the lies that come your way: i'm not good enough, i don't deserve it, if only i would've, etc. etc. etc. i trust my general orientation in life and who i am in that: a beloved child of god. there's nothing i can do to have god love me more or less. i know that about myself. that's who i am at the core. the peace that surpasses all understanding in the person of the holy spirit is felt and affirming my inclinations. and in the past couple of days the lies are making headway. it's only reasonable. i'm only human. i'm beautifully human. i've allowed the lies to dwell with me for a little while - and they hurt. they hurt profiously. the pain goes beyond my stomach and takes over my intestines, squeezing them until all i want to do is curl up in bed and cry...

i've been intentional about spending time by myself and with people. i've had the beautiful opportunity to be able to sit with people and not have to think and/or dwell in the bullshit... they welcomed me to just be, with the occasional tears, the numbness, and all that entails...

today i started to look for jobs again. the knot intensified. i wish i could abort it. i can't. if i'm really honest with myself, deep down, i don't want to. i know this is growing me into who i truly am. this grieving part is a bitch, though!

ps

you know that job i just mentioned in the previous post? well, about 5 hrs ago i found out i didn't get it... i've cried, i'm sad, i'm angry, i don't understand what's going on or what will happen next... all i know is that right now i have beautiful people around me that love me deeply... and that is something i am really grateful for. so to all of you in my life... i love you and thank you.

embarrasing admissions and this weekend

embarrasing admission - while running the last song that came up on my ipod was ricky martin's "la copa de la vida" - spanglish version, and i ran that last half mile like i hadn't run before... thanks ricky for being the golden seal on my workout!

on to this past weekend...

some of my friends "complained" that i don't post the random stuff that i do soon enough and that they want to hear about it asap...

well, friends... deal with your shit ;-) I KID, I KID!!!! for realz, though, sometimes i think people don't read this blog, that's why i don't write often or sometimes i just disclose too much...

however last weekend WAS so fun, so here ya go... you can also read maria's account here.

it all started with a beautiful happy hour at the cork house with maria and sheralee. later the party was moved to bastien's where we were joined by wendy and bethann! unbeknownst to us, we had created a fabulous girls' night out! so much fun!!

i was not feeling well that night (not the alcohol, female issues-TMI!!!) so didn't get to fall asleep until 3am... i woke up on saturday morning at about 10am only to realize that we were leaving to aspen in an hour and i wasn't packed!!! so, still feeling a little groggy maria and sheralee picked me up and we were on our way through independence pass, which is gorgeous and not recommended during night - there's something in wrong, in my opinion, when a narrow two-way road has a sign that says "road narrows" and all of the sudden the yellow line dissapears... still a two-way, mind you... to one side, the mountain, to the other, oh, feets and feets of drop-offs...

so we got to aspen and we were trying to hook up with vinnie, maria's friend that's been working at the aspen music festival, and luke, who was singing at the festival with the colorado symphony choir. there was a free concert near luke's hotel, so he got driving directions from his hotel to ours, only to find out minutes later that we could walk from our hotel to the concert (and for that matter to luke's hotel)! they were all within a block away from each other!! so we enjoyed the concert, all you can eat baby back ribs, the hot tub, breakfast, more pool and hot tub, and the concert! you got to love when your main concern during the weekend is "do we want to go dancing or to the hot tub?" or, "are we having breakfast first and then going to the pool?" love it! and i love the people that i spent that time with!

coming back to reality has been hard... i was able for the weekend to suspend reality - my job search, mostly the part where there's a job that i really, really, want, i'm really, really good at it, and i'm not goint to hear from them until tomorrow... so there's a part of me that wants to be pro-active and keep working on resumes... but i can't handle the stress and pressure i'm putting on myself. so, until i hear from them i will not work on any other searches... i really can't do it...

so, here's to a great weekend, where i was able to just be... and here's to re-entry... to allowing jesus to be all, be with me in it all... so hard... and so grateful for the moments to be...

and for whatever reason i can't upload pictures here :-(
go here and check them out under pics.
and watch this:

Get this video and more at MySpace.com

singing along with gwen stefani is more appealing than working on resumes...

just saying.

labels

i have many...

latina

female

late '20's

sexual abuse victim

single

hispanic

liberal

christian

bilingual

puertorican

unemployed

bicultural

i'm living for the day that humanity stops trying to put each other in boxes and respect each other's dignity...

as i dance
others join
hearing the
unheard rhythm

somehow these words ring true today and bring comfort

"do you not know? have you not heard? The everlasting god, the lord, the creator of the ends of the earth does not become weary or tired. his understanding is unending. he gives strength to the weary, and he increases power to those who lack might. though the young grow weary and tired and stumble badly, those who wait for the lord will gain new strength, they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary."

-anonymous, found in the book of isaiah

in the silence i find myself.
i dance again.
the beat dwells in me.
hoping others join me.
if not,
then i'll keep dancing.

scent

it never ceases to amaze me how a simple scent can take you back.
scents of growing up that you never realized were there...
yet all your friends told you,
"your house smells nice."
for a brief moment you get to smell the familiar scent
for a brief moment you're home
knowing that home as you know it is gone
knowing that home gets reconstructed every day.
yet for that brief moment
i was home.

STAPLETON '06!!!! WOOHOO!!!!

if you have any context about denver, you realize how paradoxical that statement is. for those of you not from the area, stapleton is a "city" (not really) that has been developed mostly because the old airport is no longer there (hence old) and there are a lot of developments going on the empty land.

why so excited about the land of stapleton, you ask?

well, sheralee, maria, and i decided on saturday at 3pm that we would be staying overnight at the renaissance in stapleton because they have an outdoor pool and hades sort of moved in this weekend again. we were able to get a cheap deal because these are hotels that don't get as much business as they used to because the new airport is about 14 miles away.

so, that's what we did. we had our own vacation 15 minutes away from home. some of the best 24 hours i've had in a while... we had dinner at ihop (and by dinner we mean eggs, pancakes, hash browns, and sausage or bacon), and for breakfast the next day we had pop tarts and sangria.

my favorite part is that my skin color right now is the color that i had while living in puerto rico - trying to fool myself into thinking i'm near a beach :-) and i love that this spontaneity happened with these two amazing women.

we'll be doing it again soon - either to celebrate my new job or to "stick it to the man" for not getting that job.

reality sinks in...

life is hard.

reality is hard.

some choices feel like they aren't choices.

yet they are.

i remain hopeful.

i look ahead.

i have to.

i'm having deja vu's to 1997/1998/1999/2000/2001.

some of the hardest moments of my life,

some of the most beautiful moments of my life.

i grew;

through it all

i grew.

yet you do what you need to do

yet i do what i choose to do

because deep within me i know

what's next is unbelievable

because deep within me i know

there's a better way

becuase deep within me i know

there's hope

there's freedom

there's love

"i surrender all - unto thee my blessed saviour - i surrender all"

on human dignity...

for the past week or so i've been auditing a grad class at iliff school of theology: history of christianity up to the middle ages... and as any discussion that is relevant it is messing up with who i am, and as i sit here typing this, trying to process a little of it, what i really want to do is either curl up on my couch under the covers and cry and fall asleep and/or just puke incensantly because it is messing me up... oddly enough, both are signs of my being alive.

some might say that history repeat itself. i'm learning more and more to say that it isn't history repeating itself as so much as innate characteristics of the human nature that surface and resurface throughout time. and stories from thousands of years ago seem to be in essence extremely similar to stories told today.

it appears to be that as humans we have a desire to control that which is unknown. there are many factors that plague different civilizations, and we all act and react out of our own circumstances. oh, but fear seems to be the constant motivator par excellence. and that which doesn't look like me we would like to quench, lest "that opposing view" takes control and then the world as we know it would be over...

fear. control. in the midst of dealing with this we seem to constantly forget human dignity.

my understanding of human dignity defines it as a glimpse of the glory of god in each person expressed and manifested in each one through the uniqueness of their creation.

the easiest way to control something/someone is to minimize its existence.

case in history, hitler. hear me out, i'm not minimizing anything that he did, his crimes were crimes against, well, at the risk of being redundant, human dignity. but no one person could act alone. yet not many of us could name his #2, #3, all the others around him that with him made possible the violence towards so many. by centralizing all of our thoughts and emotions in just one human being somehow to this day, just 61 years after the end of ww2 we would like to delude ourselves into the notion that this particular ideology has been taken care off - when the essence of those crimes is still alive and well in our very modern and/or post-modern society. and to use him as an example from the other point of view, his actions were out of wanting to regain control of what he thought was his.

where am i going with all this? i believe as a human society trascending the boundaries of race, religion, ethnicity, nations, etc. we are all guilty of minimalizing the human dignity of those around us. and that's where conflicts arise, each party so immersed in their own ideology that it is almost impossible to get your head up for a quick breath.

whenever we minimize someone else we become idolaters - the minimization of something/someone usually means that something/someone else is being exalted. most of the times it is our own self that gets exalted. sometimes it is our way of thinking, it gets cloudier and cloudier to the point that we can't see our idol basically because it is all that we can see.

and that makes me sick to my stomach. the idea that i am capable of doing such thing revolts me. the idea that most civilizations have functioned out of this paralyzes me.

right now all i can do is acknowledge and be aware that most if not all of the time i function out of my reality and my experience, which includes all the joys of life as well as the hurtful moments, those that have mostly healed and those wounds that are still tender, even those that are still gushing.

i can only pray and hope that as i move into this awareness more and more i don't project that which is mine unto others - and if i do, that i'm aware of it. i refuse to treat anyone as anything less than a human being. and i would hope that others around me would do the same. i don't want to control and/or manipulate. i can only hope.

mt. bierstadt

last saturday we climbed mt. bierstadt, one of the easiest 14-ers in colorado. what's a 14-er, you ask? well, it's a mountain that is in the 14,000 ft range above sea level. bethann organized it, and the crazy people that accepted (this included leaving denver at 5am) where luke, jim, jenny, mark, jared, and the worley's, and by the worley's i mean all three, including 8 month old hayden. but the real props go out to dave, for going up the mountain with hayden on his back. enjoy the pics!

halfway there...


at eye level with the other 14-ers...


snow at the bottom of the summit, if that makes sense...


welcome to the top!!! crap, hail and thunderstorming, let's get out of here!!


introducing the real hero... david worley!!!

for taking precious hayden all the way to the top!

you might as well call it the eurocup... :-(