missing the familiar...

such little things make me homesick... a random beat, a certain entonation, a certain smell.

i randomly found a letter from a great friend. in it she had words of trust and hope for me. she was saying goodbye as i moved away. her words, a little over a year later, brought tears to my eyes... those words from long ago are still true. she believes in me. in who i am. in our relationship.

those tangible, external voices are few now. not hearing those words "from the outside" drive my inner voices to question myself, to do a double take, to almost every night before going to bed ask, "what am i doing again?"

i would like to think that as soon as i land a "permanent" job (whatever that means!) all this self-doubt will go away. maybe the intensity will not be the same. i know nothing will be "solved" (whatever that means, again).

i crave comfort. i crave settled waters. i crave stability. i crave tangible expressions.

breath of fresh air.

2006 has been a rough year. so far. there are four months left, hopefully the tide will change. a positive outcome of rough patches of my life is that i write. so i've started writing again. as i'm starting to write last night i ran across a quote in my old notebook, "there isn't any urgency to get things done. the urgency is to be with god." (g. scazzero).

that's who i am at the core. all i really want is to be with god. and in the midst of all the shit thrown at me, i forget. if it weren't for my dependency in god i would not be where i am today. right now. at the same time i run away from it all, leading to displacement, loneliness, and desperation.

there isn't any urgency to get things done. the urgency is to be with god.

that's how i want to live my life. in the midst of it all, i want to desperately be with god.

one of the most disturbing things i've ever experienced...

WARNING: if you have a pet or are an animal lover, you might not want to read this. "gee, thanks," you might say, " those are the magic words to want to keep reading!" then by all means, do it... know that you've been warned.

last night i was walking with luke from his place to mine to meet sheralee and go to the hot tub. as we are walking by governor's park, we see this "thing" fall down from probably a 5th or 6th story balcony and hear someone screaming, "i gotta go! i gotta go!" when this thing finally landed, we realize it was her cat, who landed on its side and was in obvious pain trying to get up but not being able to. i was shocked, dumbfounded... i don't know if the cat jumped, lost its footing, she was holding it and slipped... so luke and i were standing there, scaring the crap out of the people getting out of the car right next to us until we explained what was going to them... the guy left the scene because he has a cat and couldn't handle it... so finally what seemed like 5 minutes later but probably was around 30 seconds the woman comes out of the building's front door, sees the cat that by now is motionless, and screams in the worst of pains i've heard in a long time... she's holding her belly, crying, looking away but wanting to take care of it... so we ran over there to see if we could help her... we just let her cry and scream and cry some more... what felt like another 5 minutes but probably was another 30 seconds later her boyfriend came out through the front door... in her pain, she apologized to us for not "paying attention" to our help, to which we said, "no apologies, we just wanted to make sure that you had someone with you." there was nothing else left for us to do, so we left...
those 2 blocks have never felt so long... we were both in shock. he was feeling it in his heart and i was feeling it in my gut. i wanted to cry but couldn't... don't know why... i didn't want to tell sheralee because of mia, but luke needed to keep letting it out so he told her... by the time i went to bed the cat trying to get up and the woman's pain was the last thing in my mind. getting up they were the first two things as well.
i'm hoping by writing it out here i can process it a little... it honestly was shocking, disturbing, don't wish it on anyone, can't even begin to imagine what that would even be like... i don't know her... didn't know her cat... don't know the boyfriend... don't know anyone's names... still, it is vivid in me.
i hope she gets some sleep and rest sometime soon...

welcome to *$%@#$& denver!

meet jeff.

he just moved to denver.

through random connections, he had sheralee's phone number.

we've been hanging out with jeff.

he's a cool guy.

last night we went over to maria's for dinner.

he parked his car in my neck of town.

through miscommunication, i assumed he was parked on the street.

he wasn't.

he was parked on my building's lot.

he asked me if that was ok.

i said yes, because i thought he was on the street.

guess who got towed?

jeff.

guess who feels like a total ass?

me.


oh well... watch this. it makes me giggle - yet another reason why these two shows must be watched religiously.

the sadness of the past month has settled in...

all at the same time.

gross.

thank god for the weekend - for whatever reason i'm able to disconnect and just be.

also, thank god for the model train (name that movie).

for those of you who asked...

here's the english translation of the "no puedo abortar" piece... please remember that there's ALWAYS something lost in the translation...
July 26

I CAN’T ABORT

“today I had the difficult task of being a young man’s companions while in another place his girlfriend was having an abortion. some might say, “but pastor, how could you?!” first of all, I’m his friend and sister. i’m not here to judge anyone. he needed me. while he tried his best to hold back his tears i could only be with him without saying a word... waiting for him to understand – no matter what happens – i love him... and i’m with him. this made me think of a story my grandma told me one time. how she gave birth to a dead baby. she felt it cold in her womb and she had to give birth to it knowing that it was dead...

“in a weird way I feel envy in both instances... there’s within me an agony, a pain, a heart and mind that i can’t abort... i envy the young woman that will emotionally forever remember what she had inside... she’s free... she has nothing growing inside of her... while i... i have an agony and hurt that’s about to be 8 months old and is not showing any signs of wanting to come out... i envy my grandma who with pain and anguish pushed and gave birth to the dead... while no matter how hard i push and scream and press on i can’t release this cadaver that every day grows like an alien – until almost taking all over my insides... and people get angry and scared when I say I don’t want this anymore... i can’t take it anymore... like the full term lady who’s crazy to get the creature out of her system... i’ve got less strength than the dead inside of me... and it grows... it takes over... and my skin is about to burst and my life is slipping away... i can’t abort... there’s no knife or suction device that can remove this. the thing is that this inside of me can’t be aborted. how i wish that it could come out through my mouth... but there aren’t any words nor expressions that could express it... i wish it could come out through my eyes... but as much as i cry – the cadaver is still inside... how i wish that it could come out through my pores... but as much as i shiver and my muscles tense up... it won’t come out from inside... don’t be afraid if i let it take its course... if one day you find me there... all consumed.... unrecognizable because the corpse has not allowed me to breathe or my heart to pump... don’t be scared or be sorry for me... because what i have inside can’t be aborted... what i have inside is all i’ve lost... what i have inside... is what has me...

by neyda yvonne albarran

"no puedo abortar"

my friend neyda wrote a beautiful piece in spanish named "i can't abort." she wrote it as a friend of hers was going through an abortion and the jist of her piece is that she's jealous of this person's abortion because she has something inside of her that feels dead yet she's not able to get rid of it. it is consistently there and as much as she pushes and tries to abort it, it's still there.

i've been thinking of that piece in the past couple of days.

i didn't get the job i wanted. i didn't get this one job that i thought i was a perfect fit for. after being in numerous rounds with this organization (and another one recently) i find myself at square one, starting from scratch. my stomach has turned inside out and it dwells within me. i want to get rid of that sensation yet i can't. it's with me everywhere i go.

as much as i know that my not getting these jobs have nothing to do with who i am as a person, as a professional, as a wholistic human being, you can't help but believe all the lies that come your way: i'm not good enough, i don't deserve it, if only i would've, etc. etc. etc. i trust my general orientation in life and who i am in that: a beloved child of god. there's nothing i can do to have god love me more or less. i know that about myself. that's who i am at the core. the peace that surpasses all understanding in the person of the holy spirit is felt and affirming my inclinations. and in the past couple of days the lies are making headway. it's only reasonable. i'm only human. i'm beautifully human. i've allowed the lies to dwell with me for a little while - and they hurt. they hurt profiously. the pain goes beyond my stomach and takes over my intestines, squeezing them until all i want to do is curl up in bed and cry...

i've been intentional about spending time by myself and with people. i've had the beautiful opportunity to be able to sit with people and not have to think and/or dwell in the bullshit... they welcomed me to just be, with the occasional tears, the numbness, and all that entails...

today i started to look for jobs again. the knot intensified. i wish i could abort it. i can't. if i'm really honest with myself, deep down, i don't want to. i know this is growing me into who i truly am. this grieving part is a bitch, though!

ps

you know that job i just mentioned in the previous post? well, about 5 hrs ago i found out i didn't get it... i've cried, i'm sad, i'm angry, i don't understand what's going on or what will happen next... all i know is that right now i have beautiful people around me that love me deeply... and that is something i am really grateful for. so to all of you in my life... i love you and thank you.

embarrasing admissions and this weekend

embarrasing admission - while running the last song that came up on my ipod was ricky martin's "la copa de la vida" - spanglish version, and i ran that last half mile like i hadn't run before... thanks ricky for being the golden seal on my workout!

on to this past weekend...

some of my friends "complained" that i don't post the random stuff that i do soon enough and that they want to hear about it asap...

well, friends... deal with your shit ;-) I KID, I KID!!!! for realz, though, sometimes i think people don't read this blog, that's why i don't write often or sometimes i just disclose too much...

however last weekend WAS so fun, so here ya go... you can also read maria's account here.

it all started with a beautiful happy hour at the cork house with maria and sheralee. later the party was moved to bastien's where we were joined by wendy and bethann! unbeknownst to us, we had created a fabulous girls' night out! so much fun!!

i was not feeling well that night (not the alcohol, female issues-TMI!!!) so didn't get to fall asleep until 3am... i woke up on saturday morning at about 10am only to realize that we were leaving to aspen in an hour and i wasn't packed!!! so, still feeling a little groggy maria and sheralee picked me up and we were on our way through independence pass, which is gorgeous and not recommended during night - there's something in wrong, in my opinion, when a narrow two-way road has a sign that says "road narrows" and all of the sudden the yellow line dissapears... still a two-way, mind you... to one side, the mountain, to the other, oh, feets and feets of drop-offs...

so we got to aspen and we were trying to hook up with vinnie, maria's friend that's been working at the aspen music festival, and luke, who was singing at the festival with the colorado symphony choir. there was a free concert near luke's hotel, so he got driving directions from his hotel to ours, only to find out minutes later that we could walk from our hotel to the concert (and for that matter to luke's hotel)! they were all within a block away from each other!! so we enjoyed the concert, all you can eat baby back ribs, the hot tub, breakfast, more pool and hot tub, and the concert! you got to love when your main concern during the weekend is "do we want to go dancing or to the hot tub?" or, "are we having breakfast first and then going to the pool?" love it! and i love the people that i spent that time with!

coming back to reality has been hard... i was able for the weekend to suspend reality - my job search, mostly the part where there's a job that i really, really, want, i'm really, really good at it, and i'm not goint to hear from them until tomorrow... so there's a part of me that wants to be pro-active and keep working on resumes... but i can't handle the stress and pressure i'm putting on myself. so, until i hear from them i will not work on any other searches... i really can't do it...

so, here's to a great weekend, where i was able to just be... and here's to re-entry... to allowing jesus to be all, be with me in it all... so hard... and so grateful for the moments to be...

and for whatever reason i can't upload pictures here :-(
go here and check them out under pics.
and watch this:

Get this video and more at MySpace.com

singing along with gwen stefani is more appealing than working on resumes...

just saying.

labels

i have many...

latina

female

late '20's

sexual abuse victim

single

hispanic

liberal

christian

bilingual

puertorican

unemployed

bicultural

i'm living for the day that humanity stops trying to put each other in boxes and respect each other's dignity...

as i dance
others join
hearing the
unheard rhythm

somehow these words ring true today and bring comfort

"do you not know? have you not heard? The everlasting god, the lord, the creator of the ends of the earth does not become weary or tired. his understanding is unending. he gives strength to the weary, and he increases power to those who lack might. though the young grow weary and tired and stumble badly, those who wait for the lord will gain new strength, they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary."

-anonymous, found in the book of isaiah

in the silence i find myself.
i dance again.
the beat dwells in me.
hoping others join me.
if not,
then i'll keep dancing.

scent

it never ceases to amaze me how a simple scent can take you back.
scents of growing up that you never realized were there...
yet all your friends told you,
"your house smells nice."
for a brief moment you get to smell the familiar scent
for a brief moment you're home
knowing that home as you know it is gone
knowing that home gets reconstructed every day.
yet for that brief moment
i was home.

STAPLETON '06!!!! WOOHOO!!!!

if you have any context about denver, you realize how paradoxical that statement is. for those of you not from the area, stapleton is a "city" (not really) that has been developed mostly because the old airport is no longer there (hence old) and there are a lot of developments going on the empty land.

why so excited about the land of stapleton, you ask?

well, sheralee, maria, and i decided on saturday at 3pm that we would be staying overnight at the renaissance in stapleton because they have an outdoor pool and hades sort of moved in this weekend again. we were able to get a cheap deal because these are hotels that don't get as much business as they used to because the new airport is about 14 miles away.

so, that's what we did. we had our own vacation 15 minutes away from home. some of the best 24 hours i've had in a while... we had dinner at ihop (and by dinner we mean eggs, pancakes, hash browns, and sausage or bacon), and for breakfast the next day we had pop tarts and sangria.

my favorite part is that my skin color right now is the color that i had while living in puerto rico - trying to fool myself into thinking i'm near a beach :-) and i love that this spontaneity happened with these two amazing women.

we'll be doing it again soon - either to celebrate my new job or to "stick it to the man" for not getting that job.

reality sinks in...

life is hard.

reality is hard.

some choices feel like they aren't choices.

yet they are.

i remain hopeful.

i look ahead.

i have to.

i'm having deja vu's to 1997/1998/1999/2000/2001.

some of the hardest moments of my life,

some of the most beautiful moments of my life.

i grew;

through it all

i grew.

yet you do what you need to do

yet i do what i choose to do

because deep within me i know

what's next is unbelievable

because deep within me i know

there's a better way

becuase deep within me i know

there's hope

there's freedom

there's love

"i surrender all - unto thee my blessed saviour - i surrender all"

on human dignity...

for the past week or so i've been auditing a grad class at iliff school of theology: history of christianity up to the middle ages... and as any discussion that is relevant it is messing up with who i am, and as i sit here typing this, trying to process a little of it, what i really want to do is either curl up on my couch under the covers and cry and fall asleep and/or just puke incensantly because it is messing me up... oddly enough, both are signs of my being alive.

some might say that history repeat itself. i'm learning more and more to say that it isn't history repeating itself as so much as innate characteristics of the human nature that surface and resurface throughout time. and stories from thousands of years ago seem to be in essence extremely similar to stories told today.

it appears to be that as humans we have a desire to control that which is unknown. there are many factors that plague different civilizations, and we all act and react out of our own circumstances. oh, but fear seems to be the constant motivator par excellence. and that which doesn't look like me we would like to quench, lest "that opposing view" takes control and then the world as we know it would be over...

fear. control. in the midst of dealing with this we seem to constantly forget human dignity.

my understanding of human dignity defines it as a glimpse of the glory of god in each person expressed and manifested in each one through the uniqueness of their creation.

the easiest way to control something/someone is to minimize its existence.

case in history, hitler. hear me out, i'm not minimizing anything that he did, his crimes were crimes against, well, at the risk of being redundant, human dignity. but no one person could act alone. yet not many of us could name his #2, #3, all the others around him that with him made possible the violence towards so many. by centralizing all of our thoughts and emotions in just one human being somehow to this day, just 61 years after the end of ww2 we would like to delude ourselves into the notion that this particular ideology has been taken care off - when the essence of those crimes is still alive and well in our very modern and/or post-modern society. and to use him as an example from the other point of view, his actions were out of wanting to regain control of what he thought was his.

where am i going with all this? i believe as a human society trascending the boundaries of race, religion, ethnicity, nations, etc. we are all guilty of minimalizing the human dignity of those around us. and that's where conflicts arise, each party so immersed in their own ideology that it is almost impossible to get your head up for a quick breath.

whenever we minimize someone else we become idolaters - the minimization of something/someone usually means that something/someone else is being exalted. most of the times it is our own self that gets exalted. sometimes it is our way of thinking, it gets cloudier and cloudier to the point that we can't see our idol basically because it is all that we can see.

and that makes me sick to my stomach. the idea that i am capable of doing such thing revolts me. the idea that most civilizations have functioned out of this paralyzes me.

right now all i can do is acknowledge and be aware that most if not all of the time i function out of my reality and my experience, which includes all the joys of life as well as the hurtful moments, those that have mostly healed and those wounds that are still tender, even those that are still gushing.

i can only pray and hope that as i move into this awareness more and more i don't project that which is mine unto others - and if i do, that i'm aware of it. i refuse to treat anyone as anything less than a human being. and i would hope that others around me would do the same. i don't want to control and/or manipulate. i can only hope.

mt. bierstadt

last saturday we climbed mt. bierstadt, one of the easiest 14-ers in colorado. what's a 14-er, you ask? well, it's a mountain that is in the 14,000 ft range above sea level. bethann organized it, and the crazy people that accepted (this included leaving denver at 5am) where luke, jim, jenny, mark, jared, and the worley's, and by the worley's i mean all three, including 8 month old hayden. but the real props go out to dave, for going up the mountain with hayden on his back. enjoy the pics!

halfway there...


at eye level with the other 14-ers...


snow at the bottom of the summit, if that makes sense...


welcome to the top!!! crap, hail and thunderstorming, let's get out of here!!


introducing the real hero... david worley!!!

for taking precious hayden all the way to the top!

you might as well call it the eurocup... :-(

FIFA!!!!!!

at the risk of getting my ass kicked by my english roommate, go brazil!!!! (a.k.a the last latin american team in the world cup!!!)

what we did last weekend

jared,

nick,

wendy,

mark,

jenny

and i


ran a 4-mile race last saturday. it was called a slacker race because it was all down hill - let me tell you, not so much a slacker moment as the impact is stronger and my ankle is still swollen. nonetheless, we had fun =)

if you click here you can see our times... i'm yours truly at #43 on the female 4-mile race listing...

pridefest 2006

40 days

many of you didn't know, but today was the last day of a forty day fast from alcohol. well, techinically, last night was the forty day mark. and today i had a pitcher of sangria with sharon my roommate (granted she only had about 1/4 or the pitcher) and my friend maria (who basically split the pitcher with me.)

what did I learn in these forty days...

1 - i lead a pretty (w)holisitic life - phyisical, spiritual, emotional. kuddos to me!!
2 - as much as i lead a (w)holistic life - i haven't begun to scratch the surface of what that even begin to looks like.
3 - taking care of my physical body is an act of worship.
4 - the only thing that matters to god is that i'm contientous about his love for me: he loves me when i do silly stuff that i don't remember about in the morning because i had a "wild" night and he loves me when i am in complete control of my own faculties and he loves me just the same when i feel the worst about myself.
5 - i'm not crazy in this world - others feel the same about me and about life in general.
6 - my drinking usually is a response of my wanting to be liked and/or approved by others - mostly a function of wanting to be liked, loved, the life of the party and avoiding rejection altogether.
7 - who i am today and who i was 40 days ago is no different, i'm just more conscientious
8 - there's nothing wrong with having a glass of wine, or 7 :-)
9 - jesus is the same today, yesterday, and tomorrow - it is my comprehension of him that changes.

tonight i had a great time with maria. we laughed, we shed some tears, and we shared our passion for jesus. and that's what it is really all about for me... wanting to be like him/her/it and growing and transfroming myself into his/her/its image... i love that and i love that moments like that can happen in random nights sitting at the porch, whether it'll be mine (which kicks ass) or hers and sheralee (which also kicks some ass!) and as long as i'm sorrounded with people that want to know jesus, i'm ok... it sort of reminds me i'm not crazy and that he is real and deeply in love with me, no matter the cost.

the last 40 days have been great. the way the fast ended (mostly with maria) was refreshing. i'm sure the rest of the summer he'll use to show up!!

creepy...

you know how there are silly online "tests" that you do just for fun? well, this one is scarily acurate...

You're Spain!

You like rain on the plain, as well as interesting architecture and
a diverse number of races and religions.  You like to explore a lot, but sailing,
especially in large groups, never really seems to work out for you.  Beware of pirates
and dictators bearing bombs.  And for heavens' sake, stop running around bulls!
 It's just not safe!


Take the Country Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid

and I do love this painter...

Who Should Paint You: Salvador Dali

You're a complex, intense creature who displays many layers. There's no way a traditional portrait could ever capture you!

What Artist Should Paint Your Portrait?

do these people know something i don't? i'm just saying...

oh, the randomness

today is day two at marsico... i'm filling in for my roommate sharon who's on vacation.

last week was the end of two weeks of training and planning at girls inc. of metro denver. i'll go back there in a month to teach performing arts.

i'll be taking a summer class july 5th - 14th.

tonight i start improv classes downtown denver.

i did nothing with maria, sheralee, and jared all weekend.

this weekend i'm going camping to leadville.

it is that random.

the basics

today i was reminded of what is really important to me.

god.

this little crazy thing we call radius.

and by thing i mean the people, not the "institution".

maybe is too simplistic.

maybe is too naive.

all i know is that everything else sort of takes care of itself.

certain

there are many things about myself that I don't know - it feels like ambiguity reigns at times...

and there are a few things that I know are very true to who I am.

one of them has been in my face for the past few i don't know how long. it's been reaffirming and challenging.

i'm a "space-maker".

what does that mean?

i like to create space. whether at my home, or somewhere else, in conversation, etc., i like to create space. i know that i might not have the wisest thing to say or do. however, i know that at times the best thing to do is to give people space and then let them do whatever they want with that space - my hope would be that they would use that space to have god meet them in whatever way possible. yet they get to do whatever they want with that space.

and i'm good at it too!!!

last week a friend of mine called me from puerto rico because she was in planning her friends bridal shower/bachellorette party - she just wanted to run by me what she had planned and wanted to make sure that there was enough for people to do and enough for people to be, "and you're good at that balance, so what do you think?"

i don't know what this means for the rest of my life or for the real immediate future. all i know is that in little steps, in my daily life, i like to create space. so i will keep doing that. we'll see how god uses it. we'll see how god uses me.

we are frickin' hillarious

so all day while at work i'm on e-mail with meghan and maria. we average about 100 e-mails a day... we've been known to hit 200 every now and then and gmail's beta can't keep us with us...

today megs was missing for most of the morning. maria suggested that maybe if we wrote a story about her she would e-mail us back... what unfolded was what i like to call ode to christopher guest mostly because it was almost a line by line banter between maria and me... we had no idea where it was going, but it ended up being pretty funny.

and that's how i spend my days when i'm working at a computer... in the lonely world of corporate america is good to be reminded that we are not alone...

(w)holistically

i don't have much to say...

for now, my life has been revolving about being a whole person - body, mind, spirit, soul - and living more and more in the reality and the embracing of my humanity...

it's been pretty...

a close second...

i will forever heart him...



however, he's becoming a very close second...

choices in the midst of chaos

something that sucks about being in the midst of existential re-defining is that you have to be functional and live life. i get overwhelmed really easily so the every day decision making process gets skewed - and sadly, i make choices that are not the best for me. so the shame kicks in - "you should know better by now; it's not the first time; we've been here before" - etc. I can give you all the psychological background of why i made the decisions i made, where it's steming out, what i really want in all this... and this is the point where all the headknowledge needs to stop and i, simply put, just need to grieve... grieve... and then some more grieving...

are you serious?!?!?

right now i'm working at the offices of the secretary of state of colorado. apparently i'm their database wiz... go figure... i would like to thank the years of oracle at willow creek... no, seriously, it's pretty funny that they all think i'm this kick ass person on databases - i just play around and see what happens... is that too hard to do? as my friend megs says, "you too can look up shit in google!". it gets even weirder because my supervisor is out sick today, so my mandate today is to look after her very slow inbox and keep up with that as well as work on a project where i've done all i could and now i'm waiting for someone to give me administrator access to do the next step. that's right, i've becomed a traditional government worker who is getting paid for not doing much!

i'm still in a weird funk - i went to bed last night at 9:30pm and woke up today at 7:30 am (don't have to be at work until 8:30 and it's only a 20 minutes walk). i'm hitting the reality once again of what it looks like to be re-parented, the role others have in it, the role i have in it, and the role that god has in it. it just makes me want to sleep more and more... denial or exhaustion, not quite sure which one. and i'm ok being in that reality. i'm quite functional - just a little on hermit mode... let's see what happens this saturday when there's a bunch of people coming over to dinner and then going out to help out and celebrate my friend terence in his manager debut at mynt... hopefully i won't be at the place of "too many people... must hide..."

in the midst of despair...

i think i'm at the beginning of yet another existential crisis...

i'm not quite sure what's going on whithin me. it's hard to explain to someone else what's going on with you when you're not quite sure yourself.

all i know is that the person of the trinity that is connecting with me right now is the spirit. who came up with that? the spirit. the father has a personal form, so does jesus. they are more tangible. how in the world do you connect with "a spirit"?

yet this is the one that is capturing me.

maybe it is the empowering. maybe it is knowing that it is the spirit that resides in my being. maybe it is that through the spirit i'm able to share in the divine nature. i'm not quite sure... and then there's the random picture of this beautiful breeze-like form that sorrounds and embraces me at the same time that it is inside of me and oozes through my pores.

i don't know what it all means, and this picture soothes me in the midst of unexplicable anxiety and the lack of tangible comfort.

i'll take it and run...

ps - on a lighter note, this picture goes out to someone very special,you know who you are!!!

really random...

so was this weekend.

from sheralee's "I'VE CREATED A MONSTA!", to tim's roasting the bigest marshmallow in recorded history, to stewie's "so you've been working on that novel for three years now, huh? is the protagonist compelling?" and so on... this weekend was random and fun. i got to meet new people, see old faces, know a little more about the people i know... worlds colliding is always random and disturbing. this one was also fun.

this weekend also reminded me that in the end it's all about jesus. there's nothing i can do that can separate me from god, the trinity, jesus, father, spirit, whichever is connecting with you right now... and there's nothing that she wants more than being with me. and this is life to the full (to the max, if you will...). this is the way i was meant to live. everything else (though practical and necessary) suddenly become less important in the greater scheme of life and abiding becomes reality.

sometimes i feel like i live a simplistic life in the face of the complexity around me. yet my gut tells me that this is were i need to be - that there's nowhere else or nothing else that will satisfy. this simplicity is not easy - it's probably one of the hardest ways to be.

i can't live any other way. abiding is my lifeline. everything flows from there.

at least for now...

more random things to happen...

so monday night was random...

tuesday we went out to dinner with my roommate sharon's aunt who is in town for work and just got a job offer, so she might be moving to denver... how random is it that it is the english girl that might have family in town??!?! love it.

today our friend erik a.k.a. booty will come to town for the retreat, as well as his friend beth, who i think i knew through impact. we're going out tonight for a little kara-o-ke but most importantly, an early bedtime!

then tomorrow kristen gets in to town as well as sheralee's friend linda and we'll go for dinner at the cherry cricket which i've never been too... there are many plans as to what will happen after that... maybe$3 mojitos, more kara-o-ke, or an early night... we'll see...

friday my friend kristin from my old starbucks in kildeer is coming over with her twin sister. we'll all meet at the panera on 13th and grant (a.k.a. as my backyard basically) including mark and jackie and then we'll head for our rci...

megs refered to last spring's retreat as "the most random retreat ever"... this my friends will be a second close...

can't wait!!

also can't wait til next tuesday night when i'll truly be able to collapse!

i am miranda!

last night i had a fun random night...

megs, maria, sara and i went to club evolution here in denver. they not only have $5 martinis but they do $5 manis all at the same time!!

imagine this: the place is beautiful - exposed brick, hardwood floors, great view of the city - four beautiful women are holding a cosmo in one hand and the other one is either stretched out for a mani, or holding a cigarette, or preparing to call someone, as conversation and laughter flourishes...



exactly.

then we proceded to the very important conversation of who's who. meghan claimed charlotte - we agreed. then i said i was miranda - we all agreed as well. we still don't know who carrie and samantha are in this scenario, mostly because both sara and maria wanted to be either one of them at specific moments... and we're ok with the ambiguity...

are my nails fabulous this morning? not really... they were $5 manicures

do i want to do this frequently? hell no! being at work on tuesday after a late monday night is kicking my ass...

do i want to do this again? absolutely! random fun girl night with friends whose conversations go from the silly to the deep and being actively seeking and finding the beauty of those that were serving us and them responding to our receptiveness of them... don't care what anyone says, that is priceless.

ps - just got this from maria... pretty

sometimes i feel trapped in the twilight zone...

am i living in denial?

am i responding to my reality?

is it ok that my reality differs from those around me?

it has to be ok...

is my idealism getting the best of me?

maybe.

i don't know how to be any different.

damn gre!

so i'm studying for the gre because i want to get a phd in theology, philosophy, and culture... does anybody else sees the contradiction in taking a highly objective test in order to get accepted into a program that is highly subjective and based on discussions?

this is for meghan

who gets her terror alert as told by the sesame street characters

You Are Gonzo the Great

"Is something burning in here? Oh, it's just me." You're a total nutball who will do anything for attention. The first to take a dare, you'll pull almost any stunt. You're one weird looking creature, but your chickens don't mind!

The Muppet Personality Test

and credit goes to drew for having this on his blog.

i've sucumbed

my space

i'm here

i've been here all along

i never left

i can't make choices for you

i can hope

and wait

in the meantime

i'm here

sweet ass job!

so i'm done with the construction company and now i'm a receptionist at a company which i'm not quite sure is their purpose/goal in life. there are about 6 phone calls a day and no clients walk in. what do i do all day, you ask? well, i read whatever i want (i finished trinity and the kingdom yesterday and brought with me el sabor del tiempo and backgrounds on early christianity today) as well as surf the net - and i get paid for this... it's downtown, i get to walk to and from work with maria everyday and i have space for myself... definetely a breather from the past two weeks.

odd the weird places you start finding yourself again...

thoughts on belovedness.

my friend nickwas teaching the other night and he mentioned something along the lines of living "from" and "towards" belovedness.

fancy word, huh? not really. when it comes down to it, it is the core of who we are as individuals and as humans...

it is knowing what our true identity is - the beloved child of god created in her image. and at first glance it might look like you need to be living in either one or the other. this might be true at some points of our lives.

what i've found in my experience - both limited (i'm only 28) and expansive (i'm not your average 28 year old) - is that this movement is a beautiful dance where both are sustained by each other and one cannot happen without the other.

i've been part of many conversations where my lingering thought is "have we missed belovedness? have we missed the core reality of who we are?" then i'm gracefully reminded that we all have different perceptions, and sadly, sometimes we miss it, sometimes i miss it.

i statements from now on...

i get caught up in the "little" nuances of life - which when you're in the midst of not so little. "will if figure out my sexuality stuff?" "will my abandonment issues keep spinning me?" "why does it feel like everything is so overwhelming it might kill me?" etc. etc. etc.

here's the true reality - here's the simplicity of it all - when it comes down to the core issue of life, it is god in me, the divine in me and the potential of me living out of that core that truly matters - my willingness to surrender to god gives me the freedom to be who i am. that i am loved by the eternal relational being is the truest version of who i am.

here's where the beautiful dance comes in. i need to be moving towards that core, towards that reality so that i can live from that place. i need to live from that place in order to be moving towards that place. then and only then will i be able to love myself, love others, love god.

i'm not saying it has to be perfect - plenty of times i've stepped on my partner's toes while dancing - but the flow and the catching the rhythm is what makes it beautiful, what makes it true.

so, yes, at times i miss belovedness. and i don't know how to live without it. i need to be moving towards and from it. constantly. flowing. gracefully. clumsyly. beautifully.

finding a routine

i've been working for a week now at a construction company as a receptionist - the actual receptionist just got married. i went from creating my own schedule an hanging out with myself, god, and my friends whenever i pleased to 11-hour long days... 2 for commuting in the bus, 8 hours of work, and the lunch hour. i'm exhausted. i know this is the life that most people lead, and changing so drastically overnight has done something in me. the job itself is pretty dumb - and i get to e-mail maria and megs most of the time. and i spend the whole day doing something that i'm not passionate about, so that fries me.

and it numbs me.

i feel really disconnected. i don't think i've learned the art of staying in touch with my soul and dealing with the realities of life.

i take that back. i think i do know. my soul and my body can't take 40 hour weeks. i don't have the capacity. it drains me. it kills me, yet this is the reality i'm in now and i need to adjust in some fashion.

maybe i'm speaking out of the shock of this week. maybe once i find a routine that fits this rhythm i'll be able to connect with myself.

for now, it's killing me... and i can't seem to find rest.

idealism and cynicism

my friend nick wrote a series of articles: ON EMERGENCE, PARTS 1, 2, AND 3. through them he speaks to the notions of the future of the church, the reality of the church, the part that god plays in it, the part that we play in it, among other things. he points out the relationship between idealism and cynicism - and i can only claim that this resonates way too well within me.

for years cynicism, and i'll add contempt and self-deprecation, were my drugs of choice. and for a great chunk of those years they were my shield, my coping mechanism, i would not be here today if it weren't for their at-the-time saving grace. no one taught me how to truly be myself, so in the process slamming on others and myself was the best way to go through life and not get hurt. and it worked too, holy shit, did it work...

a few years ago the reality of this self-destructive pattern sunk in. i had a choice. i could keep living out of that place or i could say, "thank you and good bye." i consciously chose the latter, which just led to a transformational process of daily choosing the latter, and at times (of course still today!) choosing the former. and even when i choose what for years was the "default", whether consciously or unconsciously, the turn around is quite simple because i know that's not who i want to be. notice how i use the word "simple", not "easy".

at that time i got in touch with my idealistic self as well. the reason why so many boundaries and shields were up was because there's a beautiful idealistic little girl in me, who believes in people, who believes in hope, who believes in the trinity - and when the belief was threatened or at times shattered stuffing it all away seems like the safest choice.

i can't do that anymore. believe me, i've tried. everytime i try to "protect" my soul jumps out and says, "not anymore - because that's not who you are."

in a world were cynicism, blameshifting, and all those "power tools" are the norm, now i feel alone. i've faced this question many times, and in the past few days, it's been louder and louder - will i be ok if it is just god and me from now on? and my gut screams "YES!" there's no doubt within me. and then life happens, and you feel like you're the only one living like this, and push comes to shoves and i wonder, "would i really be ok if it's just god and me." right now the person of the trinity that makes the most sense to me is jesus, so at the top of my lungs i'm screaming, "jesus be there! i'm in!"

i believe in a world where god is loving every single person on the face of the earth - me, the homeless at the shelter a few blocks away from me, george w. bush, saddam hussein, bin ladin - loving us all the same. i believe in the human capacity of experiencing that love and once that happens having no choice but to acknowledge where it came from and then having the choice of living out of that LOVE or ignoring it and going about like nothing had happened. i believe in the necessity of others in my life to be god's face for me, to lovingly reflect to me what they see in me, who they see in me, and to show me where god is in me. i believe that i am that to other people. i believe that you can be madly in love with god. i am. i believe that every circumstance in our lives can be used for the furthering of THE relationship. i believe that if every individual was intentional about being in god the possibilities for our lives would be endless.

the possibilities for our lives, for our communities, for our churches, for our countries, for our CHURCH, for the world, are endless.

maybe i'm being to simplistic and naive. but when the complications of life are in our faces, when the shit hits the fan, i believe it all goes back to the core of "do i KNOW that i am loved by god?" if i'm living out of that place, i can only be love to others.

as i write this tears are flowing, no end in sight. i'm done with god's name being bastardized. i'm done with the petty discussions and grievances. all i know is that i truly, truly, truly just want to be in him, in constant communion. and my "idealism" leads me to believe that deep down that's what humanity wants. it might take different forms yet that's the core. and i'm done being angry for no real reason, i'm done pointing fingers, i'm done with making the problem someone else's.

this is how i chose to live, even if at times it really feels like it's just god and me. i can only hope and trust that others will meet me there.

trinity, i will be ok if it's just you and me.

oh, the tension.

i'm starting to feel the financial strain of not having a job. it's not critical, yet there's a constant reminder. and there's only so much i can do. i can't obsess over it. i am taking the appropriate steps/responsibilities that would move me in that direction. i'm also reminded of the important things in life - living in surrender and dependance, living immersed in the love of the one and only, and knowing that this is the reality that matters. i just wish that the world around me would understand these priorities and would respect them. i guess that's part of the whole "living in this world but not of it." i'm so value driven that if it isn't connected to my values, it really doesn't matter to me or i simply don't care. and right now my value is to be in communion with the three-in-one. that's all that really matters.

have i mentioned that i heart him?!?!?

"Do you think if we all got together and pulled this down, democracy would flourish in Hollywood?" -- host Jon Stewart, pointing to a tall Oscar statue behind him.

facing yourself.

it's one of the hardest things to do... when the ugly and the beautiful meet each other and coexist without trying to outdo each other... it's beautiful and hard to stay in. now, if only i let jesus hang out for a little longer...

in a funk

i guess that's it. i'm in a funk.

random encounters

i've only been in denver for eight months, and the peeps in this picture (all of them i met working at starbucks in denver except for jim) are all amazing...

it's the little things in life, i tell ya.

embracing new realities

sometimes life doesn't turn out the way you plan it.

it is interesting to note that you had some desires and expectations after the fact of them not being met. it leaves you feeling naked, vulnerable, and abandoned. sort of "adam and eve's fig leaves" if you will...

that's when you have a choice - you can either moan and groan about how unfair life is and take the oh so well traveled and known victim route, or you can embrace your new reality. the first one is my default. the second one gets easier and easier with time - still hard nonetheless.

so i've been embracing my new reality - in the past couple of months life has done a 180 turn on me. in the shock of it, i felt the victimization. today was a clear cut moment in embracing this new part.

enter the trinity.

well, not really "enter". it's always been there.

enter my awareness of the trinity.

there's no way i can accept the trinity's love and embrace if i don't accept, love, and embrace myself. in the midst of the chaos the water are settling, the mud and pebbles are visible and not as fierce as when the current swipes them away. there's awakened desire and the feeling of living in the first point of view, not vicariously.

it does feel like i'm a baby learning to walk all over again... baby steps... baby steps... fully knowing that i will fall flat on my face, maybe scrape my knee, definitely a little more crying... and i will get up and try again.

i guess this is what we call full on grieving and the glimmer of hope is finally visible - like a good friend of mine calls it, the "rocket fuel".

HOLY HELL!!!

we've been having midwestern weather...

today the low was -1. if i wanted midwestern weather i would've stayed there... nonetheless, the sun was shining today and at night i walked all of four blocks to megs place and back... i did have like three layers on me, yet i was able to walk in it...

i don't like the cold. i'm ready for spring/summer.

just had to put that out there :-)

funny.

in my addiction to google news, i read this today:

"the formal search for the award-winning show dog named vivi, who bolted from her cage wednesday at kennedy airport, was officially called off at midday today."

what?!?!? i'm a dog?!?!? i was lost?!??! who knew...

he is the love of my life...

he is, he is...




i read this early today on google news.

"jon stewart tackled the cheney topic on his comedy central show, saying cheney's shooting made whittington the first person shot by a sitting vice president since alexander hamilton. "hamilton, of course, shot in a duel with aaron burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering. whittington? mistaken for a bird."

i heart jon stewart.

i'm wearing slacks and suits...

it's probably a picture of me not many have even concieved...

yes, i'm back doing office work.

and this time i need to dress the part.

and if i'm getting paid decent $$ to update my blog, then so be it!

i love e-mailing my friends throghout the day, and it makes me look busy
:-D

for now, carry on with the office work.

let's see how long til i get bored (again!)

28

i finished my last post about an hour and a half ago - and for whatever reason decided to read all my entries in my blog. the past year and a half have been a roller coaster!!!

i love that it is documented. i can go through it and remember especific moments, emotions, realizations.

i turn 28 today.

the year of 27 was a healing year. a year of realizations. a season in there qualifies as numb. the end-tail was hopeful and re-discovering, re-defining.

i'm looking forward to a year of abiding. a year of crying out loud "nothing compares to the greatness of knowing you lord." a year of more immersing in the trinity. a year of growth. a year of wholeness.

happy birthday to me.

the little glimpses.

this weekend we had the radius-team retreat - designed for those of us that have committed to radius for this 2-0-5/2-0-6 year (thanks jibjab!) we went away to breckenridge, all 20 of us, well 21 with baby hayden!

it was a time of sitting down and relaxing for me. it was a time of remembering.

about 8 months ago i picked up and left what was my life in chicago and moved to denver. what seemed like a radical, out of nowhere move was really well founded. and that was what i was reminded of...

i was reminded of all the little glimpses of possibility. i was reminded of all the what if's... i was reminded of how i was not and stil i'm not in a place of being a pioneer and leading the charge in the intentionality of transformation and growing deeper in love with the trinity. i was reminded of my conscious choice of wanting to be immersed in a community that although i knew it was not "perfect" by our regular standards, everyone involved is committed to these deep roots of love. i knew that we would all fall flat on our faces and hurt each other along the way as we figured it out, but we are all in it and committed. i was reminded of how this is the true meaning of "perfection".

i was reminded of my story and how it ties in with the bigger radius story. no matter how much longer i'm here - 3 months, a year, five years, the rest of my life - my story is connected with the radius story, with the stories of everyone else here. the intersection is real and there's no "turning back" - not that i want there to be one. and i was reminded of how about 3 years ago, in the midst of figuring out next steps and just plain getting to know other people, i happened to spend a weekend with about 10 other crazy people brainstorming ideas and thoughts that miraculously became the foundation of what i live out today. that was the weekend when ideologically i became tied to our experimental church. little did i know, as i was reminded by my friend sara today, that i would live in denver living all of this out.

all these little glimpses were flooded into my mind this weekend, once again painting a comprehensive picture - a picture that rocks my guts and leaves me with this reality: i don't know how to do life any other way.

such a random day!

today was my first day out walking around town after being sick. it was gorgeous out!

i ran some errands, and then went to starbucks to clean up my locker, pick up my tips, hand in my keys... it was fun and sad, all at the same time. the peeps that were working at the time are great, i get along with all of them, so it was pretty much like old times, except that i didn't have an apron on.

and "my boyfriend" was there. ok, little explanation. about a week ago this guy ryan from the curtis store called our store asking to speak to a manager. i was not available at the time so he left a message. when i came back amber and enrique both told me to call. usually when someone from another store calls is because they just ran out of something. so i said, "if they really want something, they'll call back. i don't need to." so they started kidding around saying that he sounded cute and that he really needed to talk to me - blah, blah, blah... it was sort of funny. a time later i send enrique on his break. the phone rings and amber picks up and says, "it's ryan from curtis". so i pick up the phone, all nice and conversational, and this is what i hear from the other line.

"how are you guys doing?"

me - "we're doing well. what's going on with you guys?"

"not much. i was wondering if you would like to go out with me sometime..."

me - "i don't even know who you are..."

At that point the person on the other line starts laughing. it was enrique from the phone in the back; amber was in it too... it was pretty funny... we laugh it off, enrique comes back from his break, it's all good...

not even 10 minutes later the phone rings again. amber picks up again and says, "it's the joke of the day, ryan from curtis." i look at enrique who's standing next to me, who gives me a look of, "i'm right here!" so we all look at each other and just start laughing. amber and enrique are both making "ooh-ing" noises... i pick up the phone.

me - "this is vivian"

"hey, this is ryan from curtis. i was wondering if you guys had any 5's you could spare..."

as soon as i hang up the phone, i look at amber and enrique... "they're out of $5's!!!" who's out of $5's?!?!? that bastard is after my money! this relationship will never work if that's all he's after..." so we start laughing...

20 minutes later ryan from curtis walks in... he's really cute as in "pretty" cute. snowboarding pink cheeks, about 6'2'', blonde, light eyes, he is pretty cute. i give him the money, my friends are giving me the eye, we're about to burst out laughing but we don't want to because poor ryan from curtis has no clue... as soon as he walked out of the store (there was no one else in the store at the time) i start yelling, "you bastard!!! i love you, i gave you all, and you're only after my money. that's it, we're through!!!" and "storm off" in high drama. it was so funny, we're all laughing, so the poor guy got labeled as my boyfriend.

this brings us to today.

i'm having coffee with my friend jackie from chicago (so fun! we both live in the same state now!) and all of the sudden ryan from curtis walks in... enrique and i look at each other and start laughing! turns out he picked up a shift at the store so he was going to be working with enrique and amber for the next couple of hours!! it was way too funny... so every 10 minutes or so as enrique is doing lobby checks he comes over to my table with updates about the guy that he keeps learning as they are working together. at some point, he comes over and tells me, "he's not even 21!" to which i replied, "and he's also a liar!! he never told me that!!"

it was just funny. at least for us.

i'll miss those peeps at that store. we had fun!

so in the randomness of the day, i had coffee with my friend jackie as i mentioned. it was so cool. we both used to work together at willow way back in the day and have all this random people in common... people that no one else out here know about - so that was fun :-D

then i hung out with sheralee. we went to the store and bought stuff to make fajitas and guacamole and salsa from scratch! so good!! jim and megs ended up joining us... i love that out of nowhere i ended up cooking for my friends... they were all here having dinner with me and then we watched lost - exept for megs... apparently the show bores her to death... megs... seriously, what's going on? ;-) by the way, she just bought an old school nintendo with a bunch of games... guess who might have to kick someone's ass playing the original super mario bros.?!?!?! i can't wait!!

anyways, a fun random day of being unemployed... i wish these could come more often...

so much phlegm...

yes, i know that's gross. and yes, those were the past four days of my life.

i got super sick. i had no idea of my bronchial phlegmatic capacity. at a point, i just had to be impressed.

my body hurt, everytime i swallowed my throat felt like it was being opened in two.

i was sick.

i'm finally on the other side. a little stuffed up still, but nothing like the past four days. i don't want those ever again.

to add insult to injury, i got my period in the midst of all that. which wouldn't be that bad except that i get the worst cramps known in humanity. so on saturday my body had antibiotics, advil, benadryl, vick's formula 44 expectorant (by which i swear now it's so frickin' good), and vioxx, the only thing that will take my cramps away. don't forget the vick's vapor rub all over my chest so i could breath... in legal terms, i was high.

i think it's kind of funny that saturday was my last shift at the 'bucks and i had to call in sick... way to go out with a bang!

i start with the temp agency on the first. i already have a job lined up from the 8th til the 15th.

i have a week and a half off. hopefully i won't get sick again. and hopefully i can find some rest and spend some quality time with god. that's all i want.

24

about two years ago some of my friends from chicago got me hooked on the show 24. maybe "hooked" is too soft of a word... they also introduced me to tivo... what was life before tivo? i can't recall...

well, for half of season three and the whole season four we would meet at their place and watch it. every monday night. it was commitment. it was beautiful.

season five started last night. HOLY CRAP!!!! so much happened in the first 20 minutes - regulars are all dead or injured or escaping (not giving away who in case you haven't seen it)!!!! and jack is back from the dead!!!

i was watching all of this by myself at about two thirty in the morning last night (thanks tivo!) - it made me miss my friends :-(

we would scream together, identify plot lines together, laugh, poke fun at (mostly chloe!)...

so last night they got together and watched it. wished i could've been there...

miss you guys!

so that's why at times i feel like a fish out of water...

my friend drew has this poll on his blog. here's how i came out...

Your Political Profile

Overall: 10% Conservative, 90% Liberal

Social Issues: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Personal Responsibility: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Fiscal Issues: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Ethics: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Defense and Crime: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

How Liberal / Conservative Are You?

:-D

there's a little of me!

click on the link and see what you come out as!

back "home"

or more like "homebase".

talk about displacement.

talk about abandonment.

jesus, you're bigger.

i'm apprehensive.

i'm dependent.

dependent.

right now, i don't know

another way to be.

bienvenido a miami

day 2 in miami.

i love my sister. i love my brother in law.

we did christmas, or as known in the spanish speaking world, three kings last night. it's fun giving and recieving gifts from people that care about you and you care about them!

and my sister and i once again came to the realization that if we weren't sisters, we would do whatever we could to be each other's friend - i have no concept of what not getting along with your sister looks like - and i'm thankful.

today has been a day of rest. i basically went non-stop in chicago, which was wonderful and draining, mostly wonderful, went non-stop in puerto rico, which was wonderful and draining, mostly draining, so a day of doing nothing at the heath's in miami is so ok!

well, not nothing. i talked on the phone with my friend sara for about an hour. it didn't feel like an hour!! we are intentional about meeting with each other at least once a week. it's been three weeks! and our worlds have been a little upside down... i miss her. even though our friendship is a relatively "new" one, it feels like it's been there all along.

more on miami later as it unfolds...

you can talk the talk...

i've been talking about quitting starbucks for a long time. the schedule sucks ass and the pay not great. props given were they're due: it's a great company to work for, the perks and benefits are great, the people i worked with at both stores are amazing, the interaction with the customers was for the most part fun, and the low/non-committal aspect of it was beautiful. i went in, did my job, walked out, no "homework".

this morning i quit. my official last day is january 22nd. the outside factor that pushed my decision (and i need to keep reminding myself it was "my decision") is that one of my roommates is moving out so everything that was split down to 1/3 is now 1/2. i love my apartment and the building and don't want to move out, so starting next monday two more weeks of starbucks time, a week off for transition (and my birthday) and then off to temping.

i'm sad. that took me mostly by surprise. i'm really sad. we can talk about the longrun later. right now i'm sad.

i've been gone on "vacation" for a week and a half and it feels like 85% of my world has changed. (arbitrary number)

high hopes for 2006... high hopes...

w.a.'s class of '95!! woohoo!!

that's right, i just got back from my 10 year high school reunion... christmas time seemed better for people since so many of us live in the u.s.

this thing was its very own filter... the people that came were the ones who really wanted to be there and the ones that didn't, we were told by some of the people that stay in touch with them, didn't because they didn't want to see some people. i'd rather be with people that want to be there, so in that sense it was perfect!

so the almost 30ish people that were there (graduating class of 42) made it fun! it's like we just picked up from where we left off, adding the "where are you now" factor. some people are lawyers... who knew?!?! some of the liberals are now conservatives and vice-versa, many differences along the way, yet we all bonded and made what could've been a potentially painful disaster a huge success!

i'm really sleepy. i'm going to bed now. i sort of feel like i had a little piece of home tonight.

the re-birth of the mystic

i feel like a rock star.

i'm in the second of a three phase trip. Spent a few days in Chicago, right now i'm in puerto rico, where it is a balmy 82 degrees, and next week i leave to miami. i think i'm more of a shakira rock star - who hires a history professor to teach her about the places she tours - than a britney spears, who hired kevin federline...

the 3 days i spent in chicago are probably the most intense days i've had in my short life. they were great and i'm exhausted!

here's the nutshell - i had an eye-opening moment where all the intuitions inside of me were named... i've been numb. for way too long. and i had no idea how to deal with it, which made me number. made me shut down more.

seeing the faces of some friends reminded me that's not who i truly am. and almost like an act of "magic" the mystic in me resurfaced, was re-born. i've experienced god in many ways in such a short period of time, unlike the past 6 months were i just trusted he was there even in the absence of smoke signals from afar. now the biggest task is ahead of me - re-learning to love myself.

god was faithful and showed up - i pray i choose to pull through.

it's the little things in life...

I use this phrase a lot, specially at work.

Little things like - someone gave us a $5 tip, the shift before my closing shift did some of the pre-closing stuff, no one orders eggnog lattes for about 3 hrs... you know, the such.

and then there are other little things in life that open your eyes to new visions and/or old reminders.

Recently I was reminded that even though I say that I trust God with everything, there are some areas in my life that I really don't trust him with and I'd rather take matters into my own hands. I was reminded that I am a full blown human being and the beauty and responsibilities that go along with that. I've been reminded that I do have choices - and no matter how trivial those choices are - they speak of deeper desires and bring with them greater repercussions. I was reminded of some desires... I've been reminded of my expectations... I've been reminded of what it means to surrender all to God.

It's the little things in life, I tell ya.

just some thoughts...

it's a delicate balance the idea of wanting your space and wanting people around you...

it's that whole being abandoned/being crushed piece.

i think i understand it...

i wish i didn't have to explain it to others...

i wish they would understand that even though i enjoy my space i also like to be pursued.

i am human after all.

hayden elisabeth worley

born friday, oct. 21st at 6pm
7lbs .08oz 20" long

mommy sara, daddy dave, and baby hayden are all doing great!

i've been tagged?!?!?!

so my friend eve "blog-tagged" me. i'm not quite sure how this works, but i assume i get to answer the question that she tagged me with, so here it goes:

List five songs that you are currently loving. It doesn't matter what genre they are from, whether they have words, or even if they're any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying right now. Post these instructions, the artists, and the songs in your blog. Then tag five other friends to see what they're listening to.

"i have a dream" - abba
"inolvidable" - shakira
"al andar" - abba
"here with me" - sara brightman
'that i would be good" - alanis morisette

and i'm not tagging anyone else :-D


in other happenings - i'm not supposed to know that the people at the local seminary have contacted my references and i'm one of four top candidates!!! so, since i'm not supposed to know, i'm not sharing this information with you ;-D

also - i had my first voice lesson today in about 20 years! it was extremely scary, i was overly self-concious, and i loved every minute of it. something is waking up in my soul. not quite sure what it is, but i feel it.

ok, i'm done... on with your life :-D

do i know you from somewhere?!?

so now on almost a daily basis i get the "why do you look so familiar? do i know you from somewhere?" and i say, "i work at the starbucks across the tabor center." "oh, that's where i know you from, nice to meet you!"

SURREAL!!!

is there such a thing as a "starbucks celebrity"?

weird.

back in colorado

i got back sunday night. i was crying like a baby when i left. i miss my sister very much.

i also miss being able to speak english and/or spanish and being understood no matter where i was at. i realized that i do sort of make a subtle effort in order to speak just english all the time. weird.

i realized that my longing for a place called "home" is ridiculously huge. and that's what miami tangibly felt like. i also am very aware that this is a cry to reside in the trinity and not on superficial life. i'm praying the trinity becomes more and more tangible.

here's to hoping...

in other events, i had an interview today at a local seminary. it's a part time position that connects high school upperclassmen with seminary education. i'm very excited about this opportunity and the possibilities it brings with it. who knows, maybe the days of cranking lattes are coming to a close and the days of pursuing a ph.d. are just ahead.

i'll keep you posted.


ps - it's officially fall and we have a fireplace... love it!

bienvenido a miami!

last night i landed in miami. my sister's birthday was about two weeks ago, so for about a whole month my brother in law and i have been planning a secret trip to surprise her.

she was surprised.

her reaction went from, "what are you doing here? what the crap? what the crap are you doing here?" and then incesant screaming. it was fun :-D

i'm at their temporary home while they are right now finishing on the longest close for a house ever. earlier today i went with them for the last walk-through. it's perfect for them. it's big enough that if they have even two kids they don't have to look for something bigger and small enough to feel cozy and not overwhelming to take care of. yeay for them!

it's been good to be resting and not doing anything today. i've been working a lot this past week in order to be able to take a mini vacation without a huge paycut.

by the way, miami and southern florida can't be considered part of the continental u.s. it's way more like puerto rico. hot and humid, spanglish everywhere, it's not even remotely close to georgia. i think we should refer to it, to quote my brother in law, as the "northern caribbean". that seems to fit better.

a whole year...

today is the year anniversary of me working at starbucks. i don't know whether to celebrate or bang my head against my brick wall :-D

i didn't know how long i would be working for "the man" when i started. all i knew is that i was done with interviewing with churches and looking for ministry positions. it's been a good healing year.

and now i'm wondering - what's next? i'm done with it, i'm bored, yet it's an easy job and it has amazing health insurance. and it pays the bills. i'm tight in cash, but it pays the bills.

so i would think it is pretty ironic that on the year anniversary i applied for a job in ministry. i sent my resume to a local seminary who has an open part-time position for an interim coordinator for connecting high school upperclassmen to seminary education/development (www.faithtrek.org). It has a great deal of administrative stuff, which i can do but is not my strongest point - but what job doesn't have that part? even shift supervising at the bucks has some administrative stuff happening.

so i'm excited because this sounds like it would bring me life, and i'm scared. i'm scared because it's been almost a year of putting my real self in the line, telling someone that i REALLY want a job, and then wait for their answer. and even though in the past it was me who turned most of them down, there was still some pain in the whole scenario. so i'm very much willingly opening up that can of worms again.

if i get it, i'll be doing starbucks and this. i'd be working a lot! but we're not even there yet.

for now let's celebrate/commemorate/observe the year of commitment to howie and all the big shots at the bucks.

p.s. on a lighter note, here's a sign from central city - a mountain-city-almost-capital of colorado in the 1800's

i'm in picture mode

i met my parents in vegas this summer...



this is me and mom... it's kind of freaky how much we look alike considering that i look more like my dad's side of the family.



that's my mom and my dad at the main reservoir created by the hoover dam



that's me at the hoover dam.



and that's me at the grand canyon.

more pictures

i just found these...

this was two years ago...



and this was almost 25 years ago...



i love my theethy!!! (that's code for sister)

denver

this is the view from our apartment








this is the view from the red rocks stage









and this is us finding shelter from the rain

two days off in a row!!

that's right, i have thursday and friday of this week off!!! it's a very exciting time in life my friends. last week i had saturday and sunday off. without me asking for them. it's very impressive, i say. what to do...

my friend drew.

he lives in chicago.

he went on a trip recently to the astrodome with his friend greg.

he was able to go in and fool around, take some pictures.

they joked about how useless this place was.

not even two weeks later, that's the place that has served as shelter for thousands.

www.edwardapplebee.blogspot.com

pictures speak louder than words.

they call me debbie downer

the last few days i've been sad. and now i'm angry. everything in my path is a "son of a bitch" or a "stupid mother fucker". even the timers at work to let me know that the coffee is expired is a "smf". i've been supporting my mild food addiction through any means i can find. and sleeping like there's no tomorrow.

yes, friends, i'm depressed.

this blog seems to be a continual debbie downer...

why do we humans continually choose to act out of hatred instead of love (myself included)? don't we realize that we hurt those we love along the way? why must we be so selfish and try and secure our own space, our own self? why do we fear being abandoned and/or being crushed?

why do i forget on a regular basis that the trinity is there to be with me in the midst of it all? to nurture me? to transform me? to satisfy my deepest desires?

i'm not shaming myself. i'm really wondering... what is that all about?

why do i want to believe that the trinity is not enough when i know he/she/it/they fully is/are?

have you ever had the feeling that you're trapped and there's no way out? have you ever had that feeling while knowing it's a lie and that you do have a choice?

i got that feeling. and i know i have a choice.

i just don't want to be proactive.

i'd rather feel sorry for myself.

except that gets old pretty quickly and makes me wanna barf.

i'll sleep on it tonight (again!)

ding! done! fired!

it's official... i'm bored!!

i knew that starbucks was only going to do it for so long - i just wasn't expecting it to be now. i don't want to work weekends anymore, i don't want to wake up at the butt-crack of dawn anymore.

this will sound extremely counter who i am, but i'm actually craving a 9-5 brainless job. yet i also want something that is impactful and makes a difference.

i really don't know what i want...

wait, i do. i want to not be concerned about financial income and be able to contribute to society in a myriad of ways. it might take the shape of customer service one week. the next, i could be organizing something for someone. i don't know.

stupid money! always in the way!!

arrested development

probably one of the best shows ever!!!

season one is out on dvd. season two is being shown on installments friday nights on fox (love you tivo!!) and is out sometime this fall. season 3 is starting sometime soon!!!

please go out of your way and watch this show. hillarious!! akward as hell... hillarious.

i've also realized that i don't know much about updating/upkeeping of blogs. this page is looking outdated. oh well.

i'm going camping next weekend. so excited!!

AND there's a puerto rican summer fest next sunday in boulder, which is about half an hour away. guess who's excited?!?! guess who also found a puertorican grocery store nearby?!?! well, nearby if you drive, it's only 20 minutes. it's about an hour extravaganza on the bus. love you, and never again.

bring on the arroz con gandules!!!! so good!!!

like a bad joke...

seven sessions in this traffic school deal (read prior post). i'm halfway through the fourth one when the power goes out... HOLY SHIT!!!! i've wasted two hours of my life in front of the computer and now i might have to start all over again... it is a very painful and dumb experience... but as kharma or providence may have it, when i went back, all the work was saved and i started where i left off... lovely. now, only 3 more sessions to go.

and please, no one use bad theology and tell me that the reason the power went off was because i compared traditional christianity to traffic school... please... don't do it. it REALLY is bad theology.

traffic school

for those of you that didn't know, i got a speeding ticket the last month i was in chicago. so, i had no car, i was driving kochie's and kreg's car, and i was doing apparently 64 m.p.h. on rt.14 in barrington, which is a 45 m.p.h. zone. for the month of may i had to use my passport as my i.d. my friends from work said that i was carrying it around in case i needed to flee the country or drink a beer :-)

so finally i got my act together and started working on this online thing - the dumbest thing ever!!!!! it's the most shameful and fear-based experience ever!!!! (sort of similar to traditional/mainstream christianity :-D

so i'm in the middle of it, wanting for it to be done. here's an example of how dumb it is. they ask you to write the names of five people you love. the next screen shows up with two of those names crossed out while mr. voice over says, "two out of five people die every year in vehicle related accidents - so think about it. two of your loved ones could be dead."

ok, who can say that and keep a straight face?!?! seriously, i hope the guy who did this voice over got paid well, seriously...

ok, i'm back to finishing this stupid thing.

it varies...

today i feel like i'm in over my head. yesterday i was exhausted. the day before everything was fine. there's no real way of telling how everything will feel like from one minute to the next.

i'm still in the midst of the swirl from moving halfway across the country. one moment i think it was the best decision ever and the next minute i'm wondering what the crap did i "just" do.

i've realized what i want to do in life. i want to create beautiful spaces where god's glory and our glory can shine and grow and transform us. now how do i go about to do that in my context is another question/idea that i'm in the midst of figuring out.

i'm doing my best to live out of who i am without looking into what others expect. i do a fairly decent job (i think!) and every now and then i truly do wonder what will others think when i don't do the "expected".

i'm having a hard time communing with the trinity. it's like it is everywhere and nowhere all at the same time. in the meantime i hang on tight.

in case you were wondering, today my roommates and i finished the third season of 24.

right now we're also making our way through the first season of arrested development.

just finished dan allender's book "to be told." almost done with "the mermaid chair". about to start reading "god's politics: why the right gets it wrong and the left doesn't get it."

i want to write. i want to perform. i want to create. i don't seem to have the energy to go about these.

so much desire and all i want to do is sleep.

father, son, spirit - meet me in my dreams.